i'm entirely way too horny for life lol. i just want to embrace someoneeeee, hold them tight

do they not give it or am i just not taking it?
idontknowwhatmyrealityis

see, now it's annoying. because i dont know myself as much anymore because i try not to think about it too much. if i do it's going to bring my down. now everything feels fucking shallow and i can't put anything into words that actually do me or "it" justice. i don't know. i'm not the same as you. we. are. not. the. same.

something feels like it's misssing

kitty sleep final decision nomoreloneliness solification

blaaahhh deffered from towson. lame

iwant

a boy who will cook dinner with me
a group of friends i can bake cookies for whos feet are nailed to the same floor as mine.
a true direction in my life
moneymoneymoney
all of this loneliness to fade away
faith
to lose weight
comfort
intelligence
to feel like i'm getting somewhere
to move
clarity
confidence
to meet people who do something with their lives instead of waste it
to feel like i'm not wasting my life
to find a purpose
to find the road
true escape

i feel alone in the universe. it won't go away

i am turning into my mother and i feel like there is nothing i can do about it

im never gonna get it right.
people are always going to feel miles and miles away.

i don't know if it's my fault or theres.
WHAT THE FUCK

millions of thoughts and feelings and aspects of self and places to go and things to want and opportunities to sieze and people who are foreign and books to read and things to say and feelings to express and miles to cover.

i want to sing and sing and sing and find the correct way to filter these thoughts of mine.




i am purple

everything is so boring and gray (in a calm way, though) and bland when darkness never see's daylight and The Return seems miles and miles away. i suppose it's a good thing. i mean, it is a good thing. but now i feel as if I'm left empty, stripped of my being and at the bottom of it all still lies the most fucking daunting aspect of everything.



insecurities haunt.

i have absolutely no idea what the fuck i am doing.

it's like no matter how steady things get or how okay things feel, loneliness is always an existing factor.

i just want some people who make me feel.

SO MANY STUPID USELESS FEARS THAT ARE SO HARD TO GET RID OFFFFFFF

everything is better when everything is simpleeee.

love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort. love is not all comfort.

need to start over. everything is fixable.

everything and everyone still feels miles and miles away. i don't feel like i'm making any ground in the areas i need to be gaining land from. i don't feel like i'm getting anywhere. i still feel like i'm constantly just stagnant. i want to move.

the funny thing is

i am just like my mother.

i want to kiss you.
i want you to want to kiss me.
you might.
i want you to kiss me.

everybody makes so many excuses. myself included.

i don't mind the quiet. in fact, i kind of like it

i want to know

is friendship something that needs/should be thought about?

why do i feeeeel so lonelyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

i want a boy with a white tee shirt and a brown belt and mockosins who will cook with me while we listen to music we both like. and who will go shopping with me for paitnings for our home. and who will cuddle with me for hours just because we can. and who will not get mad when i consistantly fall asleep watching movies or laying around. someone who will go to the park with me. someone who will smoke weed with me and who i can be comfortable with. someone who understands. someone with facial hair. someone who makes me motivated and want to do new things. someone who will travel with me. and cry with me. and write with me. and sing off key in the car with me when the windows are down. and swim with me. and leave everything we know just to be together. someone who aches so badly because they love me so much that they can't bare. someone who wants to rip themselves open and consume me. and vise versa. i want someone who will make me happy.

but all of this is actually extremely irrelevant.

if she really loved you she would do anything she could to run back into your arms.
nobody knows what love really means
i supopse i don't have much of a say. but i'd like to think i do. and i don't really care what others ssay because i was always the one willing to commit longer than anyone else, it seems, in the course of history so far. but someday i'll find you. i'll find you.

is anyone even happy?

come
come on in
enter into the dwellings.
there is sunlight here.
sunlight!

drop your keys
free yourself from the intangible
tonight we shall wander
among the stars.

please don't stop.
the ghosts run through us
the masks disappear
together, melting away
floating to high altitudes
never wanting to come down

for an instant the world stops
but, in a good way
things make sense and the trains begin to run
in the same direction.

purpose flows through my being
if not for me
then definitely for you.
all for you, forever
wrapped tightly in white.
consuming my wake.

the sun has risen
the sun is shining
the warmth erupts in rapture.
colors are everywhere
and suddenly i know-

a blanket over thy soul.

everythingiwritefuckingsucks

i am as empty as an ocean.

the darkness now lives in daylight.
sewing together the threads of every
morning's wake
and every night's somber

intangibility is felt through
the stable currents of instability
draping itself heavily
over the doorways they all effortlessly walk through.

i want to go home
i want to go home
i want to go home

mud feels like clay and rain feels like hail
a days worth of vegetation is never
harvested by the initiator.

i fell asleep at the incline.

ghosts
they leave their cages and travel through the wind pipes.
the search for water is highly needed
but the drought has finally hit its climax.
water is nowhere.

i lose sleep at the incline.

clocks move backwards
time falls short
smile lines fade
and fade and fade and fade

another time
another place
another chance
another me

someday.

i can't wait for the day that someone let's me embrace them completely while the world keeps spinning spinning spinning around us. there are always such long periods between things. most day's it's okay but sometimes, like right now, the empty spaces feel really large and hallow.

i think i am such a good lover.
i want someone who wants it as much as i want it.
i want it to stay.

absolutely nothing in this entire world of worlds
in the sunlight
in the darkness
in everything i've come to know so far
CAN MAKE ME HAPPY.

wash out the tired notion that the best is yet to come.

gettin' there, gettin' there

i need someone new to rid me of the remains of you.

i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort

the problem is that there's a layer of pessimism behind the eyes. and it needs to be able to float in air for it to go away. it has to ring through the halls and fill the streets. somehow. it needs to come out.

like tyrants assembled with tears
trembling like a tomg
and singing like a statue
i am as empty as an ocean

my blind eyes scream in silence
so this eternal echo will be known
given to the foils of time
and shattered like plate glass

you freeze within the fire
darkness now lives at daylight
and shadows turn to ghosts
all that shining, now hollow

it's eyes
watch me
and taunt me
unwilling to let me go

eyes are
hidden
in the shadows of the world

I QUIT EVERYTHING BEFORE I EVEN START.

i want you to talk and talk and talk until you can't talk no more



and me as well, somehow

the difference between a closed door and a slightly opened one.

sleepy sleepy
when will they lay their hands down and sink?
when will the oceans stop splitting?
or
why does the consistency of the
temperature of the sunrise always
change?
the sound of voices is only temporary.
channeling pallets, right to left right to left.
all around voices sing sing sing
along the threads.
because for some messed up reason it's okay
here
but you don't really know for sure.
free fall
sometimes accelerated, sometimes slowing to a complete
stop
(STOPSTOP)
ending so close to the destination.
feed me.
open me.
escape me.
erase me.
new inventions for sunlight appear.
everywhere.
everything smelling of fresh paint.
the paint on the lines in the road to cover
the dust.
the world
it fades until it is unseen
unreachable
unmanageable
off the chart.
steady steady repeat
over and over
moving fast
it doesn't escape
it doesn't die
sitting there like stone, gripping you closer
and closer
and closer
each. and. every. single. time.
break my head
break my stride
break my shell
disappear and
escape.
escape.
escape.

coldness of the weather
beauty of the leaves changing color
memories
with due time
empty empty empty spaces
_______________________
highlevelsof
loneliness

time collapses in multiple ways
on the inside.
turning itself inside out and then
round and round and round it goes.
repeating the motion until the motion is lost
lying dormant on the floors
of empty spaces that are
never seen.

He leaves.
i leave.
me. (ME)
for just a short while

but the rain is paralyzing.
glass houses never hide the sight of rain
and so it pours.

others close their windows
but i close my curtains
one fell swoop and
i am consumed.

everything is quiet.
footsteps walk in opposite directions
and He plays music for those who
play with all the loneliness
that nobody notices

it goes round and round and round
repeating the motion until the motion is lost

it's creeping back in.

look at me.
LOOKATME
retreating from everything
no more sunday hebrew
no more bbyo
no more chapter board
no more nothing
no more caring
no more motivation

justwannahideawayinaballandneverreturntothesurfaceoftheearth.

sselysyneebsahsyawladnasitnemtnetnoc

i find myself wanting to revert back to the ways of the old world with the same traditions and standards that were set. but once i step backwards even 1/2 inch i realize it's just a facade and i'd be tricking myself

i realized that i haven't seen nearly as much as i know i can/would like to. it's finally time i do things and go places. the only person holding me back is myself. no need to keep analyzing everything. everything is going to flow in the way it does regardless. so i'm just going to try and let it be and enjoy it while it's here. not everything is a black hole that will suck you in. in fact, most things aren't. and most people wish the same things as myself, it's just a matter of circumstance and time which may or may not work out.

things are simple in a certain sense.
it really doesn't need to be hard

i want to start this blog over. make a new one. this one is filled with dark memories from the black hole i was in for years. and i have about a foot left (literally) until i make my way out. i am so close.



i am no longer who i am

maybe all that needs to said anymore is hello, my name is madi. i am struggling with depression and no matter what i think or where i go, i always end up back where i don't want to be.

stay. stay. please, i'm begging you, for once just stay.

this is not the only side of me
this is not the only side of life
this is not all there is to see
this is not all there is to be
this is not going to consume me
this is not going to take over
this is not going to break me
this is not going to stay
this is what you allow yourself to be
this is time for me to proove my wins
this is time for me to gain my ground
this is time for me escape
this is time for me relate
this is time for me leave everything
this is time for me to gain
this is time to learn what happiness is
this is time to leave the darkness

need release
need release
need release


finally starting to how lame the human population actually is. i actually gave people the benefit of the doubt and thought that it was just others. but even the nicest of people get shitted on. how come it seems so hard for everybody to mean what they fucking say? all ya gotta do is think about it. if you don't mean it, don't fucking say it. it's really an easy thing. i can't believe how dumb and blind people are. it's such a sad thing. i thought we lived in a better world than this

it honest makes me feel so, so shitty that i feel like i have nobody that fully holds the positions i want them to hold. the one person i consider my best friend doesn't even know what it means to be a best friend and just let's go of everybody once theyre out of their line of vision. it leaves me feeling empty. i don't want to be without you.

when is it gonna be my turn?

what if the place i am trying to get to really doesn't exist?

truth is.

Something that is Anything meaning Everything in a world of Nothing.

(UTTERNONSENSE) I am invisible. I am a grain of pink sand among a million other pieces of tan sand. Unseen in the sunlight and completely hidden in the night. Unnoticeable to those above, and to all others a mere a brief sight that is seen and gone and then forgotten in an instant. Brief colors that pass your eyelids and blend in with the foundation under ones toes. Nobody is out there searching for me. Nobody misses me when I am not there. I don't cause holes to be made. I don't fill the void. I don't come close to anything. I am weak. Nobody understands me. Nobody ever will understand me. I am alone. We are all alone. But I am alone. Alone in my thoughts. alone in the wrath of this. Alone in the darkness. Alone in the sunlight. It never goes away. False optimism is not enough. Diving with your eyes closed is too risky. Nothing is worth it but everything is hanging. I am brewing. Boiling. Fizzling. My water is escaping. The plant growing from the depths of my being is over growing itself. It’s becoming bigger than I and bigger then I know how to deal with. I don't belong anywhere. I never feel like people want me to stick around. I am weak. I don't do this right. I don't do anything right. I walk and never get anywhere. There are words in my head but they don't translate to my enamel. Nothing translates and then everything is grey again.

What once was a small, hopeful, dreamy girl, has disappeared into the darkness. Everything is a struggle. Everything takes too much energy. Nothing is enjoyable because there are no comfort holes anywhere. They’re all gone. Every single fucking comfort zone is gone. I don't know how to get back to my normal shape. I don't know if I have a normal shape. I am in desperate need. Optimism takes over my psyche when I choose to become blind. But it never stays because I am always brought back here. I am always transported down the elevator into this hollow place. At the bottom of this, there are things that have been packaged and stored away. For lifetimes. For a decade. They are like little monsters that release their venom in small amounts. Small enough so you can't feel it but strong enough to feel the effects. A whole world of hurt and pain and the buying of the notions that nobody ever chose to try and reverse. If this happens to every person, then what's the point of it all? If we all grow up to believe in notions that aren't true and we need to overcome them, where's the beauty in that? I don't see any beauty. I see pure human error. Error in the way we were created. It’s a pretty bad error, though, considering what it does to a person. Think about it. It brought me here.

It brought me here to you.

To your unwavering trust and your constant rejection of the way life really is. This is your fault. It’s you who brought me here. It’s you who showed me this place. It’s you who I became. I crawl in my skin. I ache to get away from you. I scream forever inside. I can't forgive you. I can't get rid of the pictures. I can't overcome this. Your many faces. I clung to one of them. I clung so immensely to it. And so easily, too. So naively. Not understanding what this life was. What this place was. Where you were as opposed to where you wanted to be. And it has never left me. Everything has just covered up what is there. But there is nothing left to cover it up. There’s nothing to mask it. I felt your sorrow. I felt your loss. I felt your pain. I didn't just observe it. I became you. I watched from far away and I observed from closer up. I felt it in the marrow of my bones. The blackness seeping so far down. And I didn't realize I was doing it. I was a sponge and you were my water. I had bought the notion that this was what happiness looks like. I had bought the notion that nobody was good enough to love. That you weren't good enough. and neither was I. I had bought that notion that everybody that is called your father is supposed to stand from far away and watch as you disintegrate into the pavement.
Constantly fearful of who you allow to see your eyes. Constantly fearful of time because it was never on the right side. And it still hasn't become that way. One after another. They came and went as if they were just visitors. People who didn't know their way around and were asking for directions. But while asking for directions, they thought you would be a good tour guide. And for reasons I don't think I’ll find out for a long while, they left. And again, I bought the notion that nobody was good enough to love. Because you weren't. Which meant that we weren't. Which meant that I wasn’t. Because I was you. And I had felt the sorrow in the marrow of my bones. And the darkness seeped into the places it hadn't yet reached. And I became buried. Consumed. And as it was happening, I had no idea. Because I had bought the notion that this was the way life was supposed to be. I had bought the notion that this is what happiness is. I had bought the notion that was nothing else to life except for this constant cycle of come and go. Nothing different, and everybody else. Constant reattachment of limbs. Constant pulling of muscles. The constant voluntary (and extremely naively) (because after all, I was just a sponge)) openness of the gates to the keeper of it all.

At first it was different. At first I was on your side. At first I was 100% you. Because I knew nothing else. Nobody told me different. Nobody had told me it was a no instead of a yes. Nobody told me that people would leave. Nobody told me that everybody I would come to trust would leave me. So I bought the notion that this cycle was going to go on for the rest of my life. I bought the notion that I could not escape it. And it was so uncomfortable. My mind was telling me no. no no no. no. And as I began to buy more and more of this notion, I began to buy less and less of you. I questioned your motives. I questioned your state of mind. The even, bolded, thick lines of trust and comfort that had formed when I became you for those few years were leaving me. I was leaving you. And because I was leaving you and everybody else that you would involve yourself with, I was alone. I came to a wall. A really thick wall with millions of bricks. None of them were cracking. The cement in between the bricks was so evenly and neatly placed. It’s meant to be there, I thought. I grew comfortable with the wall. Really comfortable with it. And because I was leaving you and I was leaving everybody else, I was leaving myself. I was leaving the person that was affected by the causes and covering it up with a huge wall of bricks. And the good thing, at the time, was that I had no way of getting passed the bricks. So for years and years and years I forgot about trying to get passed it. I always knew it was there. It never left. It was always a factor of everything I did. But I never tried to escape it. I never tried to open the door again. And so I pushed. More. I grew distant and cold. And nobody tired hard enough to unlock me. I grew away from you. And because I was growing away from the only person I had ever fully allowed myself to be, I grew away from everybody else. And everybody was just a distant and dusty figurine standing lonely on the shelves of my life. And nobody ever came in to clean them off. Nobody tired hard enough. Nobody understood that I did not know any better than to just absorb all of the water I could find. Because it was water, and I was thirsty. And I was thirsty because I was hungry. Hungry to feel whole again. Hungry to find a way out of here. Hungry for somebody else that had new lines and shapes.

Somebody I didn't know.
Somebody that wasn't rotting inside of my bone marrow.
Somebody that was nothing like the person you were.

I was gone. And oh, you were gone too. I was dissociated from everything I had ever thought I knew. From the dinners in pairs of 3. From the days at the park. From the picnics. I was gone. I wasn't in the world anymore. I fell off of it. And nobody had the right touch to bring me back. I had shut off. I had become another stone wall. Everything would bounce off of me. Nothing would absorb into my skin cells. I was stuck in the darkness.

I am stuck in the darkness.

I question your motives. I question your well being. I question everything I have ever known about you. I am no longer you. I never again will be you. I never again will buy the notion that the way you have lived your life is the way that life is supposed to be lived. I will never again buy the notion that your mother is the person you should look up to, respect, and trust. I never even did that. I was just a sponge. And everybody else was like dishes. But the thing is, it's like everybody knew. All those people. All the life styles. All of the eyes and the smiles. It’s like they knew what they were doing and what they were doing to me. They helped me get to this place. They saw the darkness in me that not even my own mother saw. And they felt sorry. I know they did. Comfort with everything was thrown out the window. It floated in the wind, and is now sitting on a cloud somewhere far, far away from here. Somewhere I would like to be because it is better than this. There is too much darkness here. There are no lights on in the reverse anymore. There never were lights on. And I don't know you. And you don't know me. And you don't care to know me. You don't care about anything. You don't understand me or yourself or anyone else. And you deserve to be shunned for it. I will not feel sympathy. Sympathy is what brought me here. Because I was you and I felt your sorrow. You will never change and I will never forgive you. You ruined me completely. But you allowed me to see actual life.

But I need to leave your wrath. I need to leave your lopsided views and your constant hypocrisy. I need to let go of this. I need to let go of the you I know you to be and the you I want you to be. I need to look at you from an outside view. Need to be on my own. Unable to have you as a support system. Comfort was never formed and you never tried hard enough because you don't know how to form comfort within yourself, either. I hate you. I hate what you allowed to happen to my young psyche. But you did the best you could with the knowledge you knew. But I will never forgive you. I will never be able to forget the nights where I felt the sorrow seep into my bones. I will never forget the first time I realized that I was you. Plain and simple. I saw myself completely in you. And that's when I was no longer human. I lost sight of who I wanted to be and who I was supposed to be and who I really was. Nothing mattered as long as I wasn't you. Never. I can never get to that point. I never want to be in that position. Overexposure to things I was never supposed to see has haunted me. It’s like a monster that releases small amounts of venom into my being. Small enough to not feel it but strong enough to feel the effects. You are a monster who breeds other monsters. You have no sight. You have destroyed the person I used to be but that is no longer. I wish to retire. I wish to leave your wrath and face the many masks I used to think were just one face but learned to treat otherwise. I will overcome you. you are the floor leader to the floor in which i am escaping. this will be no longer.

roamin', roamin', roam.

love surrounding myself with beautiful people while sitting in beautiful weather. new faces are always approaching and memories are what make things feel like they are actually something. i am no longer small, i am large large large normal normal me. it feels so good. i know the steps now. jesus, it took me long enough. but i wouldn't take it back. i love that experiences i went through and the experiences i will still go through. everything is just swiftly floating by. in good ways. the things that are meant to stick will stick. and everything else, well, what's meant to be will happen. i'm not going to force things. time uncovers a lot of things.

lonely along the inner lining sometimes, but it's often subtle until the clock passes 10. but that's okay, it's basic human nature just screaming from it's cage.

time to get up and get going. college applications and SATs and senior year. people and faces and plans and memories and comfort and interest.
i want to get to know as many people as i can this year.

and the one thing i HATE that i did was spend so much time being afraid. it was so stupid of me. i was so blinded by absolutely everything. it's terrible. i hope nobody goes through that. it doesn't even benefit you in any way. normally you can grow from failure and from discomfort, but being blind by a huge black curtain that consumes you into an even larger black whole is just complete and utter tourture. i'm so glad i've made my way out of there.

DID
YOU
HEAR
THAT?

did you?
DID you?!

i made my way out.
i am out of thereeeeeeeeee.
i am free.
i am the wind.
i am the sun.
i am the grass.
oh my god, i am lightly flying.
ashdkah so amazing.

nobody wants the one that's actualyl willing to stay ;]

i'm pretty happy. but all i want is some friends who will smoke and listen to music i listen to, and talk about things over than what girls are hot and which boys are assholes. where did all the interesting people? and where did the all the appreciation go? does anyone even know what words mean anymore? or what it means to actually hold your word? where did the love go?

nothing you'd read on this page comes even close to the unbelievable lightness of being i have been experiencing. and, in the best way possible.

visions of being older when one is younger.
thirst for it all.
kind hearted
walls
people all over the place
interests
people and more people
missions
(arrow down)
a place between optimism and realism
id like to phone
home
it sucks me in
grips me by the waste
swallows me whole
sticky walls make it hard to escape
paper and bricks and unlaced shoes
backwards
back words
back space
simplicity
complexity
importance of being wanted
feeling, actually
people all over the place
change
change
changes
juggling all the
changes
optimism
confidence
who are we?
brain waves
identities
youmeithemuswe
need routine and
structure
in the form of lines
depression
darkness
cold water
thirst from
hunger
ideas
bubbles
colaboration
i am one i am the earth i am me and i am you
we are one
5 paragraphs
condensed
ah
headaches
achey achey
smiles
simple
lines
bold lines
molds
too many molds
too much molding
trying to get to a place that doesn't exist
screwed up
hit the bottom and escape
layers upon layers
synchronicity
everything
eyes
everyone
fizzling out
togetherness
fade inot the feeling
lonely at the top
meh
loss of words
loss of
white
blank
pages
you.

when you address the problem, there is nothing in the world that can't be fixed.

stream of conciousness ramble ramble ramble

i think, slowly, the foundation of everything i've ever know, believed, and trusted, is being stripped bared and disappearing from under my feet. everything is turning to liquid. or maybe it's already liquid. i feel like the place i am trying to get to doesn't exist. at one point i had believed in it so thoroughly but i'm giving up on it. in a way, giving up might be the answer. just setting myself free from this wrath of darkness. but the problem is that it doesn't always seem so bad. there's so much ironic comfort in darkness. there's light here. (i'm still here, right?) it blankets things. it exaggerates the curves that form and shows you where the lines are soft and hard. in ways, it's so warm here. i think i've realized that i try to fit into bolded lines too much. i try to constantly change myself and mold myself into someone that i can't possibly be. it just won't work that way. it can't work that way. and i think that by refusing to accept it, i grow frustrated. no progression happens when one is frustrated. it's just not even feasible. nothing transfers from side to side, nothing shines, nothing matters. i need to just let everything go. accept who i am. i am who i am and i do what i do. i can say it a million times but i havent accepted myself. i need to realize that i will never be a minimalistic thinker. i will always analyze the analysis of the analysis. it's just the way that i am. and i might not always be living in the darkness, or revert back to it, but it's always something that will balance out everything else. and maybe what i need is not to try and open myself more, but to just try and have more life experiences with people. that's where comfort forms. and comfort breeds absolutely everything you will find. even bad things. things aren't bad, time just feels like it's against me. it's like things are moving backwards, actually. like i said, everything is liquid. and in ways that's okay because i'm always thirst. but need for thirst comes from need for hunger. it's a constant cycle.

new.
meh. weed influences.
takes away the loneliness that is supposed to be healing, or can be healing if you make it healing. but it's so hard to turn hollowness into something solid. and once again, everything is liquid.

maybe this is all just a matter of looking at things in the complete wrong way. maybe, instead of trying to change things all the time, and trying to get to a place that might not event exist, i should just accept them for what they are. because they won't ever change.

i'm going insane

I AM ALWAYS RIGHTTTT, fuckin' dumbassss people in the world.

wake the fuckkk up

i wanna disappear forever.

this is my help

when you were a young child, you were pure love. you were happy, alive and free. just look at little children. this love, freedom, and aliveness is the essence of who you are. this is your natural state. this is the way you started. unfortunately, you were born into a world that suppresses this state. instead of being born into a world that is loving and supportive, you were born into a world that is critical and harsh. sooner or later, you got hurt. you experienced invalidation, rejection, and painful losses of love. you experienced this hurt from your parents, your friends, and the world around you.

no circumstance has the power to cause an upset. circumstances can only reactivate suppressed hurt that is already there.

every one of us has a very specific hurt that runs our life. the avoidance of this hurt is what sabotages our lives. to be free inside and to be effective in life, you need to discover what your hurt is and be free of it. basically, the cause of your hurt is some issue you have with yourself. you bought the notion that in some specific way, you were not okay. fighting this notion is what creates your hurt. once you take away the fighting, the notion disappears and so does the hurt.

happiness can never come from anything outside of yourself. happiness can only come from within.

mastery of life begins when you discover the mechanisms that sabotage you. as you dismantle these mechanisms, you become able to experience life in a way that is supportive. you become free inside and able to live in the experience of love.

if you look, any area of your life that works great will be an area where you are full of acceptance and appreciation. to create the experience of love and to have life work for you instead of against you, you need to be accepting.

letting go is the inner action that releases fear and upset. you don't have to like your situation, just give it permission to be the way it is and the way it may become. let go of your demands and expectations for how you believe life should be and make peace with the way your life is. set yourself free inside. then take whatever action is necessary to handle your situation.

life is only threatening when you resist. the more you are able to let go and flow with life, the more life takes care of itself.

when you believe that part of who you are shouldn't be there, you set yourself up for some serious suffering. you put yourself under tremendous pressure to become a certain way, but no matter what you do, you can never get there. you can never get there because you are trying to get to doesn't exist. pay special attention to any aspect you deny having. you wouldn't need to deny an aspect unless you had an issue with it.


the aspects of yourself that you resist do not exist in the physical universe but they do exist in your universe. notice how real they are to you. notice that these aspects have never caused you any trouble. they are only thoughts. all the trouble has been caused by the things you've done to avoid feeling this way.

to set yourself free you need to face your hurt. this may be uncomfortable but this way be one of the most important things you can do in your entire life.

fears are very similar to upsets and aspects of yourself you resist. the main difference is that in fear, you are avoiding a future event. in an upset, you are avoiding a past or present event. both fear and upsets are created by avoiding the hurt of some issue.

the standards by which you judge will reveal your issues. any characteristic you can't stand in another person is an aspect of you that you are not at peace with. WE ARE ALL THE SAME.

by discovering what you are driven towards, you can discover what you are driven from. one way to do this is to discover what you need for your happiness.

seperate yourself from circumstances. notice that what's going on in your life is not the cause of what's going on inside of you.

go through life looking for aspects that you are not at peace with. then make peace with them. if you ever find an aspect, look for your fear. what do you fear will happen if you let in that you are that way? until you make peace with every aspect of you, you will never make peace with life. this is because life will forever reactivate the aspects of you that you are not at peace with.

another way we sabotage ourselves is through resentment. when you have a resentment, a major part of you closes down. you lose your aliveness and your peace of mind. you become bitter and less able to express your love. you also make your life more difficult.

allow yourself to be human. you are both good and bad, worthy and worthless, lovable and unlovable. you are every aspect that exists. you are also a precious human being. as you own both your negative and positive aspects you become very confident and at peace with yourself. you also become very human. as you own the aspects you've been resisting, beauty comes forth. you become humble. your ego disappears and your walls of protection come down. you flow with life and you create love everywhere you go.

life is so much easier when you know it's okay to be human.

i'm so sick of myself. i'm sick of insecurities. i'm sick of my flaws. i'm sick of the way i go about things. i'm sick of my fears. i'm sick of feeling like i can't do anything right. i'm sick of second guesses. i'm tired of getting beaten down by life. i'm tired of getting beaten down by myself. why doesn't good consistency ever fucking stay around? why is everything so hard to achieve and why is retention so hard to keep? i need help. i need a way out. i need to get out of this place. i need escape. i desperately need escape. i feel like i'm all alone in this. i feel like i'm the only one that's lost and can't be found. i feel like i'll never fucking be found. the only person that can save you is yourself. but what if youdon't know how to do that? i'm so scared. i don't know what to do. asdhksh. nobody understands. everything comes sweeping back to me. the darkness always takes over everything. it's a fucking monster and i just want it to go away. i dont understand this

fuck it.
nobody in the fucking world will ever fit the mold.

everything is coming to the surface.
it's refreshing and scary and different and rejuinating and eye opening and so many other things. i dont know what anythign means or what things will mean or what i mean or what to say or what to do or who i am or what i am or what i mean or what i will mean or where i fit or where i shoudl mold of it i should mold bahhbahbah

DEFINITIONS ARE COMING

everything feels so hallow.
people are leaving.
people left.
people are gone.

i really need guidance. i need second third fourth opinions. i need someone to fall back on. i wish you acted like you gave a shit. i wish you would just step outside of your life for a few minutes and realize how important mine is right now. i'm about to decide the rest of my life, in a sense. and i need you. but you don't want to be there. or, you do. but you show a shitty way of showing it. and i need help. i don't want to do this all by myself.

i feel alone now. everything is changing. everything is starting over. everything is hallow. nothing has ultimate meaning. nothing has shaped to fit the mold. nothing has fit the mold. this sounds like i'm complaining but i'm just stating facts. i have to start all over. i have to open my cage somehow and release myself. i have to believe in myself. put myself out there. show people myself.
do you want to know something funny?
do you?

well. what's funny is that me, and probably a lot of people in the world shield ourselves from others because we don't want to get hurt. but in the process of building the armor and always carrying the sword, we ultimately hurt ourselves more. protecting ourselves just makes us crumble in the end. i find that a bit funny.

i wonder if a time comes where everything just falls completely to the floor, and all skin is shed, and all other skin dissapears, and the things that are worrysome just fade into gray which fades into white and nothing will matter.
i think that's too much to ask.

i am so afraid for what is about to come it's unreal.
but i'm so excited and if i do what i know i have to do, i think i'll be okay.
fear is so hard to tackle though. meh.

it's time to make lists and lists and lists:

millons of popping bubbles.

tents boys boobs darkness light illumination fear school you love time people beauty night judgments myself others walls lines appreciation sadness happiness apprehension comfort

filtration.
doing more than surface diving, this time around.

fest. amazing, wonderful, powerful, magical time. i wish everyone in the world could experience what it's like. people are real there. in their true, natural form. we get our feet dirty. and the best part is that we do it together. doesn't matter what your hair looks like, how fucked your eyes are, you are making awesome friends. meeting new people. so much love. so much fucking comfort. it's so hard to explain in words, but i miss it already. instant happiness. i could kiss the grass i love it so much.

being single is weird. but i love it. the concept of being alone is equivalent to ultimate freedom. no rules. no judgments. no age limits. there's a whole world for me to experience. i've finally realized there is no point in getting down over something i can't control. i'd hate to say it, but it's not worth my time anyways.

darkness is a weird place to be. i'm in between night and day, as i like to say. but no matter what i think the darkness always stays. like addiction, sort of. or love, if you will it. i feel like it's so easy to fall backwards into it again. it's so easy to say goodbye to the world you try so hard to feel and just feel yourself kind of floating, with one food off the ground. it's a scary place. it's scary because you feel lost in it. i don't know. (when i say you i mean me, i suppose. but you makes it easier to talk about it because i'm overly modest). but yeah. yeah. it's scary because you want to escape and you want to move so far far away from it but for some reason, at certain points and in certain areas, it always ALWAYS creeps back in. and after awhile, it's a good thing. but after an even bigger while, you're just fucking sick of it because there's another side to it. totally. i guess you just gotta take it step by step until you're feet are glued, instead of planted. if they ever get to that point.

it's kind of sad the way things have gone down. i know you don't appreciate me the way that i appreciate you. and at first it made me sad and angry. well, it still kind of makes me angry. but i am just starting to kind of feel bad for you. people are so easily consumed. but the people who are worthy of your love (and not even deep love, just friendly love) are the people that don't know wtf theyd do without you. like, truly. i don't think you realize how much i need you. and if you don't realize it, i'm not sure i want to keep myself here. there's no point in sticking around a place that doesn't make you feel as wanted as you want to feel. things just turn stale and that's where the gnats come on. and i've been there before, it's totally not a fun place. please wake up. we need each other and if you fail to recognize it, you're going to be missing a whole hell of a lot.

you. the other you. you're the floor leader. you opened the door to this place and you didn't even realize you did it. you opened my eyes to a huge dark hole and for quite awhile you closed my eyes to everything else. i fell for it. i fell for it big time. but i've been making my way out of here. slowly, but that's how it's supposed to be done. totally. it's absolutely, 100% time to leave this place.

essential growth periods.

acceptance is the only way to get by. anything that is troublesome can just fall away once you accept that it's there. and that it is what it is. because no matter what, it's still going to be what it is whether you want it to be or not.

everybody loves me. everybody wants to date me. everybody wants to kiss me. i don't know why. and i'm not cocky. but it is so fucking true. the world is a wonder.

it's funny what a little burning of paper walls can do for ya.
but next, i need a hammer.

what ever happened to mutual based feelings?










this is a fucking joke. i can't live like this.

at the bottom of everything

so many emotions.

everybody is leaving me. all the people i love and care for. all the people i have grown to trust and grown comfortable bonds with. they are all leaving. my world will be stripped bare. in a way, this is going to be great for me. but only if i treat it how i should; by pushing. but i don't know if i have the energy. it's so hard to walk right into something. i let fear run my life so much and it's so hard to sucomb to it.

the only way to get over the things that trouble and upset you, are to accept that that is the way things are. you can't make it go away because even if it goes away, it was once still there. all you can do is accept what it is and realize that even though it's there, you will be okay. and once you realize you'll be okay, all that upset is gone. step number one.

it's like no matter what i do, it always creeps back inside of me. it's like it knows when to swallow all of the gold spots and hide away in the depths. i hate it. what does this mean? i don't understand the cycle. i don't know if i ever will understand the cycle.

you and i. that shouldn't even be allowed. i don't know. the truth of the matter is that i have no idea what the fuck i think. i've never been this lopsided before. i've never felt this way. i don't like it. i hate it. i hate it. i need to start eating off of new plates. i guess we'll see what happens.

everything always goes back to you. you're the reason i am this way. you're the one who contaminated my mind. you're the one who took my young, sponge-like of a brain, and drenched it in all of your dirty negative water. you are the reason that i can't escape. because i've lived my whole life watching you wallow in it. i wish you knew how to get up and get going. i wish i hadn't been such a sponge. i wish i knew better as a little kid. i wish i knew how to get rid of the notion that makes me feel like i'm the same way. i wish i didn't feel like i was turning into you.

i want to write a poem titled The Darkness.
^acceptance, in small ways.

folk fest this weekend. time to dive hands first into something. independence needs to come full fledged. i need to get up and get going.

i also need to open myself. i am the way i am (as in, letting everything seep back inside of me) because i don't know how to show myself to people. i'm never fake but nobody knows who i am. except for one person who i fear i will lose. i don't know what to do. i put myself in these dumb situations and i feel like i can't control them. i don't feel like i have full control over myself. but i'm not sure who else i feel has the control. i just feel out of control. i need to completely free my mind.
i almost got there.
for a week or so i felt pretty good. things are simple when you look at life a certain way. but for some reason, colors never stay. colors never stick for long periods of time. i don't get it. help me.

and. it seems like everybody is finding their best friend(s). it seems like everybody has that one person they always hangout with. party with. and i'm nto saying i don't have people like that. but i don't know how to get to that point anymore. i don't know how to make a best friend. i wish one day i would wake up and have my whole head figured out. but i guess that defeats the purpose of life. i wish i didn't constantly feel so clouded. and when i don't feel clouded, i feel like i'm just cheating myself out of it by being weak.

how did i end up this way?
there is nobody in the world like me.

i don't know. like i said, everythingisahugedustballblowinginthewind.

news

everythingalljumbleduptogetherinonebigballofdust

i'd like to just find a place of complete comfort.
i don't think it's too much to ask

this is really fucking weird

i have absolutely no idea how to become close with people.
i can't escape

the funny thing is
it will never fade
and for some reason
somewhere inside
it's totally okay

why do i consistently feel like I'm the most fucked up person among everyone i know?

need
emphasis
on the
way
things
turn


WHYISNTBEINGALIVEEVERGOODNEOUGHFORANYONE
we're all the sameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

now that's what i'm talkingggggg about.

i guess life is simple if you let it be

i wonder if people actually read this lol.
i'd hope not though. don't really think people would like the dark

when you admit something to yourself, when you slowly come to terms with it, is it supposed to feel like self pity or am i just doing something wrong?

i harbor too much self pity and too much guilt.
i acknowledge so many things but have no idea where to go from there
lawl

everything is a moving bubble within a bubble. and we're all in it together, even on the outside.

comfort exists in the most minuscule places

wild night

i dont mean to be this way but it just seems to be something that is out of my control. and i hate it and i want to let go of this scale and forget this shovel and go back to the water but there's always comfort in a place like this. especially once you've become used to how far down the ground goes and how much space there is between the darkness and the light. but either way, it's inmeasurable and everything is fiction. all i need is a rope in the form of a white circle, i guess. but i don't want that to feel fiction either. repeated circles. i'm stuck in my head completely and it's a terrible world. i can't do this by myself, it's really time i accepted that

ireallyfeellikei'mlosingit

imscared

what would happen if i just shut off

I NEED TO WRITE A FUCKING POEM BUT NOTHING WANTS TO COME OUT OF MY DAMN HEAD.

whoever says there's a way out just stopped believing in reality.
there is no way out.

i just want one day to passs by where i feel content and at ease with every situation in my life.

why do i always have to feel this way?

there are so many fucking areas of under and over ripeness.
ireallyneedhelp

ireallyhopethatonedayyoullrealize
andmaybe
youllmakeyourwayonhome

im outta my mind

the current

my family situation has never been this good.

participants (which in reality are each of one of us unless we completely lose the road) need to be active to gain tread to their destination.

why?

so uncomfortable.

loving it when people miss me but not entirely sure why.

missing you. missing you so badly sometimes. fizzlefadeFASTER. please.
^iwishistillknewyourthinkingpattern

phases never end

people want me and that makes me feel so good.

once you think you've uncovered the uncover-able, there's always more beyond your reach.

don't worry about a thing?

nothing solidifies

words of wisdom

to follow.
that i wish didn't seem so hard and out of reach.
meh.

Build a life you don't want to run away from.
Losers focus on what theyre going through, winners focus on what theyre going to.
One step at a time.

Cant stand the blazing sun, cant stand the morning rain.
I dont want to be alone.
(turn around youll see: the angle dies)

offf to ILTC i goo.

i have so much to say but not a really good way of wording it.
tomorrow is gonna be fun. i'll tell you later

i dont know
life is weird and people are funny.
wish i had better words to describe anything that isn't grey
but oh well
that might be good

i think i have too much faith in human nature, lol.

need for thirst comes from need for hungerrrr

becoming one with myself, becoming one with the world.

YOULL NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER BE ME.
and that's all i need =]

park park park park
in the dark dark dark dark


today is a new day. yep.

toyingwiththepossiblethought

ithinkineedhelp
ithinkineedhelp
ithinkineedhelp
ithinkineedhelp
ithinkineedhelp
ithinkineedhelp
ithinkineedhelp
ithinkineedhelp
ithinkineedhelp
ithinkineedhelp

for the first time in my whole life, i feel 100% like i am alone.
this is absolutely terrible.

whydoialwaysfeelliketherearesomanybarriers?

this is how people lose their mind. literally. no.

needs and wants and the empty space

release. hammock. books. tangled feet. hollow empty space that is missing your essence. anger. bitterness. JEALOUSY. redefinition. nature. purity. transitions. doors. goodbyes. tears. hellos. sadness. melancholy. depth. darkness. insecurities.distance. disconnect. poetry. structure. stability. solid circles. weed. stature. tired of it all. pushing. doors. open. close. guess and check. closed eyes. open mind. steps. denial. acceptance. shoes. the right place. goals. knowledge. constellations. adventure. eyes. faces. hands. galapagos. misunderstood. fish. connections. pain. change.

everything

falling

in some kind

of

lopsided direction

until it

f

i

z

z

l

e

s

out and

away.

everything is ajoke

youarealllBLIND.
someone
please tell me,

where is the sense!

i miss feeling angry.
everything was easier

where is the line drawn between a phase and an actual problem?
ithinkineedhelp

i don't understand myself. i can feel so great but never truly believe a word i say when it's not standing on a grey scale.

why do i continue to stand here in stagnation?
am i just being impatient? am i over analyzing this?
am i, in some sick twisted sort of way, actually where i want to be but refuse to believe it?
am i doomed to forever suffocate in the boxes that pessimism creates for such people?

if nobody knows
then how do we leave?

completely involuntary, how does one see passed it?


rebirth, mother fucker
hop up in my space ship and leave earth, mother fucker
i'm gone, mother fucker, i'm gone.

everything fades eventually.

everything fades eventually.

i miss you so fucking much, just please come home.

what do i do so wrong that always makes me revert back to the same fucking uncomfortable, unsettling feeling in the bottom of my stomach?

IS IT EVER GOING TO FUCKING END?!

i'm not sure if there is a worse feeling than to have your eyes glued to a boy who has the same familiar curves and smell you will always remember and as you hold on to the gaze you once knew, you watch it fade farther and farther away from you. this is annoying as fuck. i wish i could just fade away.

i don't enjoy feeling the i'm slowly the only one who is putting effort into this.






siht kcuf

how are we supposed to know if we who we are
is really who we're meant to be?
how am i supposed to know if what i'm doing
is going to lead my in the direction i want to be in?
how am i supposed to know which direction is best
when i don't know myself?
how am i supposed to do things, without there ever being a "supposed to" concept.

i'm way too hard on myself.
but what else would there be, otherwise?
agh

i miss you so much.
nothing has faded.
sometimes it consumes and is
so hard.

everything in the current is so minimalistic. i've never been in this position before.
i'm not assertive but part of me doesn't seem to mind much. i really confuse myself.

*
roll the windows down
this cool night air is curious
let the whole world look in
who cares who sees anything
*

yes.

everything's fine

it is just very irritating when people do not understand the natural progression of the human mind.
i guess i shouldn't expect

i confuse myself

what the hell is love, anyways? how is it possible for the human mind, heart, nature, soul to be so fucking complicated? how can things change so easily and no matter what you think, so effortlessly? nothing is truely what it seems. that's kind of a scary thought.


everything is happening so fast. it's all passing before my eyes. i dont want to miss it. i don't want to miss anything. bah.

sjdhash
what am i really doing here?
and is there honestly a need to even think about that fact?
does that show something? am i gone?

lopsidedallthetimeee

i dont think anything can explain this transition and how happy it makes me. seriously. i've been a ball of gray dust for years on top of years. rolling around in filth that never ended because nobody truly got up to clean. so everything just kept piling in on itself. becoming bigger. growing larger. darker. harder. it was being hardened. i guess someone must have kicked it though. someone, or something. or, nah, they just put water on it. and it's all flattened now. back to the beginning. but there's never a beginning without an end. so, ya know. water always heals. the mind is a crazy place that i haven't even begun to understand. once you think you've learned all there is to learn about yourself, you change. you react differently to a situation. that's why teenagers are never happy. everything is so unstable because we're constantly shifting our ground. trying to not spend too much time on our right leg and carefully shuffling the weight onto our left. over and over. i wish i had a better explanation. i need a better explanation. it'll come. not right now though, lol. everything is falling
slowly
into place.
i can't believe i can say that without having it seem wrong or unrealistic. am i dreaming? no. i've been asleep for so long. i told everyone else they have to wake up but maybe IM the one that was stuck in the coma. that's so completely backwards it's right. i feel like i'm standing on my own ground instead of feeling the ground crumble the floorboards above my head. i know what people mean now. by new textures and colors and shapes. i'm realizing every little thing. i'm becoming the person i want to be. the person i am supposed to be. if there is even a such thing as "supposed to". you know what i mean, though. don't you? i've said things so many times being unsure. but this is different. this is the other side of the board. this is the upside down to the upside down. i feel fucking great. i know the steps. i can't look back. i can't drown myself. i know how to swim. and the fish help me. millions. many. among everybody. within everybody.

i could write forever.
i need to write a poem.
it'll come.

___
melt in the sun. melt in the sun. who wants to come with me and melt in the sun?
hide in the sky. hide in the sky. who wants to come with me and hide in the sky?

resolchcumosuoydeeni

oh my god i over analyze everythingggggggggggggggggggggggggggg. i need to get out of hereee

im actually afraid to hangout with people. lol at that.
it's really time to get the wheels going.

everybody talks like they know the steps but nobody knows anything.

i fucking love when people post my words on their blogs.
makes me feel special hahaha :p

i hate when things feel unfinished but you can't finish them.
i hate seeing it.
meh- thats life.

goooood weekend :]

it's kind of funny.

somehow
the places we want to escape the most, right now, are the places we will be wishing we were in years from now.



everything is small. in a good way.
today's great.

i am realizing every little thing

optimism has joined me for the day.

distortion

i need to get over this. i need to get over this. i need to get over this. i need to get over this. i need to get over this. i need to accept this. i need to accept this. i need to accept this. i need to accept this. i need to accept this.


okay.
now the monster is awake.
it won't rest until there's nothing left.
maybe ever & anon
i forget about the pain.
someone bending light comes along
& flowers lean towards the sun.
some people fall in love & touch the sky
some people fall in love & find quicksand.
i hover somewhere in between I swear
i can't make up my mind.

circles. wagons. clowns. thecolorred. tricycles turn to bicycles. round and round we go. one step is all it takes. merry go round and round and round. existential carousel. carousels. haulden caulfield. spelled wrong. monsters. sunlight. moonlight. waves. indecisiveness. stomach aches. achy, achy, achy. surface diving. contradictions. pale skin. no body. no bodies. nobody. floods. hurtful floods. rooftops collapse on houses that turn to stone. black taints the brown. mixes with the green. gone. enog.

now what?
where to?
for once, it's me. i need to focus on me. the one thing i've been afraid of this whole time.

the one thing
that is
my
downfall.

there's a place in the mind that doesn't feel but it talks real loudy. tells you how it's making you react but doesn't let you feel the full affect. thank god. thank you. that little friend in your brain. the part that speaks in a language you'll never be able to understand. the part of you that makes you you because it's the only part that won't.



slowlyslowlyslowly everything begins to disintegrate.

i feel so lopsided.

sometimes i am the strongest girl in the world.
and other times i become the completely opposite.

the answer

"get off."

i miss you so much. it makes me so sad

seee ya.

i just want to clarify things.

for one, this blog is for me. i compeltely over react and say things i don't mean but that's only becuase i'd rather say it with words to a screen then words to a face. this is how i filter my thoughts. i never talked directly to anyone, and i'm not going to unless i truley have something to say. in which case, i already have.

so with that being said, here's the thing.
aparently "everyone" has read this blog. and as you can probably tell i've been going through a hard time.

losing regional board does not make me less of a person or make me look at bbyo any differently. i understand completely what i said a few posts below, but do you really think i meant that? if i really thought bbgs were blind do you think i would try so hard to be involved with them? no. i didn't mean what i said. i was angry. i love bbyo. i love every single bbg that i've come to meet. theyre all so beautiful. i'm upset that i didn't win beccause i thought everyone would be able to see my dedication. but maybe not. and again, i'm not going to just sit here and dwell on it. it's happened. it's over. i appoligize for being rude and for saying things i don't mean. but this is MY blog and it's for ME to vent. i hope, whoever is reading this, will be able to understand that i'm still a kind hearted person, i was just angry with the situation at hand.

and secondly, the other situation that "everyone" ALSO knows about. people need to stop writing some dumb shit on my formspring. it's ridiculous. i have a right to be selfish. i have a right to be upset. sad. angry. and i am. noone has the right to tell me how i am supposed to be feeling or how i am acting. i'm pretty sure nobody knows the length of the situation. but. anyways. YES i am jealous. OF COURSE i'm jealous. wouldn't you be? if you wouldn't be jealous then you have no idea what you're doing. and no, i'm not being selfish. if i was being selfish i'd try to get in both of their faces and do something about it. but we are both separate people and things happen. i hate the situation and i'ts going to take a long time to get over it, but i'm keeping to myself. i'm trying hard to move on to better things. and so far, it's been working. i've been feeling better. so anyone who is gonna sit here and fall me selfish and whatever bad words ya gotta say, you're wrong. i'm being realistic with the situation. i'm not going to just take it in stride. i'm pretty sure you wouldn't either. so come on now, stop bitching at me and just leave me a lone. it's not your fucking business anyways.

k. that's all. people need to hop off my case. my life isn't everyone's business and you need to all focus on yourselves, and not the situations in my life. and maybe one day some people will realize that everything is just a million little phases put together to make what we have come to call a life. and this is just one phase of many. and it ends. and others will begin. but for god sake, just leave the fuck alone. i'm only human. i deal with things the way i want to and i the way that i do. i'm sorry if you don't like it but if you don't, then that's your problem. I'm just trying to get by and move on.

tnar

i don't really mean what i say. but only on this site. i say angry, bitchy, terrible things on here. and people probably read it and think i'm insane. oh well. people are people. i wish everyone wasn't on my case so much. i'm a human. i'm going to be upset about the things that have happened. there's no way around it. no way of thinking differently. i'm a strong girl. and i'm being strong. but it doesn't stop this from being hard. it doesn't stop this from being SO hard. i don't get it. i don't understand how you can just be so in love with someone and then in such a short time, effortlessly replace them with somebody else. how can you just be okay with that? how can you just look to your right and not miss the fact that it is me? how can you allow her to lay in the same places that we layed in and be okay with that? how can you just completely forget about the thousands of times we've done the things we love to do together? i don't understand. that's not a natural thing. that isn't fair. maybe it wasn't what i thought it was. maybe i'm the one who's blind. maybe i was caught up. but still. it's killing me. it makes me want to break and crumble. someone who i've given everything to. my whole. my mind. my trust. they can just go and easily move on to somebody else. why? why does it take me so long but others so easy? do i not make that much of an impact? do i not hold the right place?

insecurities secure the insecure. you know?

everything is so messed up. pieces don't fit together. things don't fall into place. i really don't even understand. but whatever. what ever. there's more to life. it's not ever. it's never over. i've been here before. i've gotten over it before. new colors will appear and the back of my eyelids won't feel so structured. things fall out of place for other things to fall into place. tomorrow is going to be a great day. i could be an addict. i could be a lot of things. negative into positive, it's time to leave this.

i am my own person. i can make myself happy. i have everything i need in order to succeed in life. i can do this. i am strong. nothing works the way you want it to. nothing gives but that doesn't mean you can't. i don't want to rage. angry me is scary me. angry me pushes. i miss you. i love you. i want you to be mine. but that isn't all there is to life. there's so many opportunities to run in the grass, feel the sun on my face. i just need to find my place. it is okay to be alone. it is okay to be lonely. this willl not drown me. i am strong.

are you seriously in a relationship? did you seirously not tell me? did i seriously just attempt, and succeed, to spill my heart out to someone WHO IS IN A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP!? wow. i'm dumb. but you're even dumber. both of you. you're so, so stupid. you have no sense. no sense of love or companionship or what the fuck you're doing. i hope you regret it. i hope you realize how good you had it. i hope she annoys the fuck out of you. i hope you think of me every time she comes into our home. you lied. everyone always lies. do people feel bad for me? am i not good enough to be told the truth?

am i
not good enough?

i can't believe you. i can't believe that this would happen. nothing ever ends on a good note. nothing ever gives or justifies the means. everybody just decives you and doesn't even give a fuck. fuck you. and fuck her. and fuck you guys together.
FUCK IT.

god, you piss me off so bad. fuck telling you ANYTHING. totally isn't worth a breath of my being. you just think everything is fucking poison. cynical fuck.

people are blind. i can't believe i didn't win. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT ON REGIONAL BOARD BECUASE BBG'S ARE FUCKING RIDICULOUSLY BLINDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

nothing ever, ever gives.

people talk too much. no one actually knows anything in this world, we are all wrong.
my stomach constantly hurts. it's constantly turning. not a good feeling.
i need to take a break. this is so hard. i'm a mess. i'm all over. i'm walking in circles. i have millions of legs walking in my head and they just form little black cirlces in the walls. i'm nervous. i'm excited. i'm afraid. i'm blind. i'm stupid. i wish i knew myself better.



being a teenager is so selfish. i wonder where the line is drawn

agh.
i feel so stuck in my mindddd. i feel so unsure about everything i'm about to face. i need to muster up the motivation to do this. i need to succeed. i want to expand. protect. do my job. it's so hard to suppress fears and weakness though. so. hard.

i dont know. it's 4/20, ahahah. so much fun being high around a shitload of other people who are high. makes everything feel so united. it was a chill day. but it doesn't make anything dissappear or weaken. i dont even know what it does. it doesnt even matter.

i miss you so much. i miss our home. our games. our talks. i miss your eyes and your hair and your ears. and the outline of your silhouette that i know so perfectly. and the sleepovers. and baking. and dinners. and eeeeverything. this is so hard. i've never missed someone like this before. i've never felt this way before.

i'm really suprised i am how i am. which is good. really good, i've grown a lot. the life experiences i went through over the passed few years are shining through. i have been learning so much about life and myself. but i'd still do anything for you. i still love you.

i need an outlet.

everyone acts like i don't understand what's going on and that i'm taking everything so out of context. i'm not. at all. i'm being realistic and understanding, but i'm still angry and sad. and nothing is going to take away the fact that i miss you. and that's all there is to it. i'm not being overly dramatic, or sad, or whatever you want to call it. i just don't know what to say anymore and don't want to be around you.

i cant believe this is happening to me. ew.

DO NOT EVER DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND.

herecomesthelonliness

i couldn't handle it.
i completely lost it.
i don't know if i can do this.

i just felt like such a follower. fuck that. theres no us anymore. not even a little. it feels completely faded. i just felt like i was following you around and you didnt want me. so i stopped. and then i was lost. it was like i was a giant among millions of ants who already had found their home. and i didn't know which one was mine. i went to the bathroom and cried. and then i just couldn't stay in school anymore. so i cried some more when my mom came. and then i went home. and showered and slept. but the bottom line is that i just broke down, in public. in school. i don't want to be this weak girl who gets like that. i need to stand on my own. it's always me who's knees buckle. the other person is always fine. i'm such an emotional mess. i can't concentrate. i don't understand how it just seems to not affect you as much when it's killing me inside. the world i had built for myself and the people in it, it seemed secure. nothing is secure. nothing is as real as you think it is. nothing gives and nothing stays. everything just rots eventually. goes stale. i feel pathetic. i feel small. i feel unwanted. i want to feel like a confident girl who has friends, who isn't lost, who doesn't have to keep wandering. but i stop myself and i don't know how to just feel at ease with anything at all. i can't wait to get away from here. i need to start over and stop living in this repeated cycle. i need new surroundings and new people who bring out different sides of me. i can't do this. i'm so scared. i'm so small. i'm so alone. i just want to be with you and be happy with you and kiss you and kiss your ears and feel your skin. this sucks. and nothing takes away the pain. nothing makes it go away. i don't know what to do.

and no matter how close people pay attention, noone has paid enough attention to proove me wrong and point out what i thought you would. guess that just prooves a point. and if nooone gets it, then it's all for me

i desperately need to get the fuck away.

closing in my on myself, closing in on you. i'm right every time and it's all getting old. i'm still tired of this. tred has worn away. i exaggerate everything. it's just a ticking bomb. this is all just the action of a fucking boomerang. fuck it

adorationdesperationexplorationinspirationrelationstimulation
creationdeterminationidentificationjubilationexplorationconfusion
progressionregressioneducation.

time collapses withinwithoutaround you. it fades away. nothing seems to matter. nothing is significant. nothing stimulates. eyes droop to the floor, staring so long they burn deep holes in the dry soil. what is this place? a nest of comfortably woven webs that at first glace would seem like theyd feel uncomfortable, but really just steal your gaze from the light and love to see you trip and shrivel. no matter how slightly. terrible inbalances of distribution pulse through the creation of everything known and as distribution turns to stone, everything blurs again, like it always seemed to do. umbrellas don't catch the rain fall, snow boots do nothing but compress. but that's not what is ultimately wanted. this is just a test. plates spin through space. what one thinks he knows turns into an educated guess based on knowledge that has been forgotten. if that makes it just a guess, then that's the way it goes. and oh, it goes how it goes. clocks tock and tick and water drips from the phone lines. people blend. in a vague sense where only specks and molecules of certain colors can make their way through the filters. so many filters. so many insignificant filters. don't ask why, just go. gogogogogogogo. this is no different.

tiredofthisage
tiredofstressforsats
tiredofuncomfort
tiredofknowingit'snotgoingtolast
tiredofhavingtotrysohard
tiredofnonbelieving
tiredofittakingsolong
tiredoffighting
tiredofnotfitting
tiredofsleep
tiredofresponsiblity
tiredofbeingbroke
tiredofsecondguesses
tired

never thought it was this possible to be as in love as i am. but it's so much more than i've ever imagined or experienced it to be, before. the parallels of the universe feel like they are in the exact spot they are supposed to be when we are together. the world is right and we can sleep and wake with no detriment to our souls. i wish the circumstances would fade.

i had such a great weekend.
partied, beau, won beau/sweetheart (which i wanted SOSOSOSO bad), slept wiff my baby, dadddypops, skittles vodka, sushi :).

these past few weekends have been so good.
feels nice to feel nice

TODAY SUCKS

bad grade on poly sci.
annoying as fuck people who just don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves.
getting yelled at.
car being weird.
no job offerings
GETTING FUCKING SHIT STUCK IN MY HAIR THAT WON'T WASH OUT WITH SHAMPOO.
i dont know what to do. petroleum jelly is a biiiitch, wtf.
this better come out or im going to be SO mad.

fuck.

these are the most boring of days. i'm not gonna leave this place, just cover it up with millions of white little flowers so you're shoes can't feel it anymore. without sound. feelings on paper don't make poem. don't make sense either.minus one. plus one. same difference, really. nonsense all the time. don't make ant sense. anger as a driving force because it's more easily felt but less easily wanted. love. back around but still going in circles. different ones but the same ones. it's all the same. right now, atleast. jesus, i have no idea what else this is going to take. seeds just disperse every which way and trees grow too far away from each other to share their shade. i feel so dull and lifeless but i feel okay. i feel good. just not right now. i dont know myself. you don't either. we're all the same. i dont know how i'm supposed to brace myself for this. maybe i shouldn't even try. my name is madi. hungry eyes. always hungry. hungry, always. everyday things change. but basically things stay the same. forget about the reason. forget about the emotion. raragagaga. soon we will all be gone. need for thirst always comes from the need for hunger.

bed of clocks
silence of sleep
loudness of everything else
awakeeeeee, wake
bullshit
operation
stimulation
speculation
invigoration
gone
one
unknown
lamp posts in shoes
blahblahblahblahblah
bullshitmotherfuckerdamn
oppositebackwardsupsidedown
flooooooooooooooooooooood

what ya see is what ya get

if you can just, listen.

we're all the same. we're all the same. we're all the same.we're all the same. we're all the same.we're all the same. we're all the same. we're all the same. we're not the same. we're all the same.we're all the same .we're all the same. we're all the same. where'd everybody go. we're all the same. we're all the same. we're all the same. where'd my mind go. we're all the same. we're all the same. you're all the same. we're all the same. we're all the same. we're all the same. hello, goodbye, nothing at all. we're all the same. we're all the same. we're all the same. where's all the water evaporating to?

i almost forgot, i almost missed it

love is the most incredible, remarkable, wholesome, warm feeling in the wholeeeee world and i am sososoo lucky to be with the most amazing person ever :].

i love my baby.
9/28/09 <3

looking back, this will just seem like an aunt hill next to a steep, steep slope

some people just know exactly how to draw your attention to them.
it's so reassuring.

february 6th 2010

one of the coolest, most fulfilling things i have ever done.
6 (7) kids, 9 hours, 6 feet tall.
the arboretum.

sometimes i wish peoples vision was better. but other times i just think it's because my bones are weak. what a pair

can't seem to shakeshakeshake it off

people are so easy to read

so, so, so in love.