oh man.
I need a man who likes his fucking rum and cokes.
I need someone who is willing to get fucking wasted with me.
like, I need/want-to-take-a-cab-bc-i'm-fuckin-drunk wasted.
I want to lose myself in somebody
forget about counting drinks
forget about worrying
if I smell
okay
which I do anyways,
for my own fucking sake
or if I
am doing the right thing
I want a love that will make me
write essays
instead of trival fucking poems.
A love where
I can go to a place
like the Barbary
like tonight
and say that I don't want any of those guys
boys
men
males
because I have (YOU)
and what else do I need
besides
(YOU)?!?!?!

the day shall come
but
the day has not
arrived
so what the fuck am I
supposed to do
until


then!?
(POEMS ARE CONSUMING ME)

people keep fucking asking me how my winter break is going

it's going fucking great!!!
yeah
Ive made no money
spent a TON of it on fucking alcohol
fantasized a shitload about getting my pussy eaten out
tried to avoid existentialism
eaten as much good food as I can consume
slept till 5
gotten drunk, dancing on tables
empowered myself to be a fucking alpha female.
I belong to nobody
I belong to me.

I will find a center in you.


fuck yeah it's been fucking great!!!!! fuck.

I danced on a table tonight.

and at first I wanted to hide

thinking nobody wanted to fucking see me

dance like that

or at all, really

but then I started thinking

I am human

like everybody

fucking

else

and I have flaws

but I also have

strengths and

things to contribute

I have love to give

and arms to hug

and advice to give

I am a cool chick

the only person there 

with curly fucking hair.

If I don't embrace it

who the fuck will!?

do you ever feel like your heart is going to fall out of your vagina?

it's that weird, that good kind of weird.
like when you both tell each other you like ear biting,
at the same exact time

we give ourselves in little bits and pieces
to everyone we meet
and each others colors mix together
in some type of neg posi swirl
like fuckin strawberry vanilla swirled ice cream.
yeah, like that.

and we go through life in these interactions of swirls
circling, repeating, constantly, constantly
repeating.
back
and
forth.

forever.

sometimes I think everything is worth so much. then during other times I think that the agragate of all these small interactions in addition to the sum of the big ones, in the end, doesn't mean jack fuckin' shit. who's to tell?

How can we claim that we know ourselves
when we can
only....

until I feel and until I think of nothing.
that is the point, after all, isn't it!?

THE PERSON WHO GIVES HIM OR HERSELF WHOLLY, THE PERSON WHO FEELS FREEST, IS THE PERSON WHO LOVES MOST WHOLEHEARTEDLY.

AND THE PERSON WHO LOVES WHOLEHEARTEDLY FEELS FREE.

-Paulo Coelho

I have to reevaluate my cognitions.

50% of my roomates leave and that's when my (sorta kinda) reclusive roommate and her boyfriend decide they want to hangout with their door open and in the family room. I guess less energy is better for them

what they really mean when they say a woman is strong is that she has the ability to get herself off while being on top.

you suffocate me while I fantasize about killing you

if the love was never real than you never lost a thing

I am missing things I don't normally miss

Divorces and single parenting don't damage a person, the instability and internalization of inconsistent trust within what is otherwise supposed to be stable & supportive relationships is what later manifests itself into maladaptive interpersonal relations.

Is it even worth it to understand the diagnosis behind the symptoms?

at the bottom of everything.
can't you just shut
the
fuck
up?

I get in these moods where I can't stand even being
existing
there are worms in my fucking skin
I want to kick them out of me
I cannot think of one good thing about being here right now
my lower back hurts and no sounds is every smoothing enough
Lately the only thing that sounds appealing
is the smell of something lemony
or something

fuck what is this feeling
there is a subtle layer of unsettled desire
in the middle of my blood and my skin
I don't know how to feel better about something
I can't control

I lay in the middle of the ocean.
I fall asleep and
I drown.

the other week I had a dream that Steve turned into Mike and it was all very similar feeling. and I was the underdog. then last night I had a dream I got back with Gabe and for awhile it was okay, but then the same thing happened except then it turned into Mike and instead of me not wanting him he didn't want me and everything was brownish gray and what the fuck why am I having dreams about............Mike

almost there

"A best friend is someone you can take anywhere and rest assured that they’ll get along just fine. A best friend is someone who sticks by you even when you do something stupid like date an asshole or become a vegan. A best friend is someone who will tell you honestly when an outfit you’re wearing makes you look twenty pounds heavier. A best friend is someone you can be silent with. There should be no pressure or anxiety. All of it should feel effortless."

"I felt like if someone touched me id dissolve into a million mollecules"