perhaps i'm just wasting my time trying to get myself to a comfort level i wish to be at while you waste your time still half starry eyed over the girl who put her everything into you, and probably vise versa for all i know....

perhaps maybe i should just back away. i'm not stupid, you know.

perhaps maybe i'm just waiting in a line for something that will be sold out when i get to the front of it.

that feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you feel as if you are competing in a race that you've already lost before you even started.

i'm really hoping you didn't/aren't doing what my pessimism is telling me you are doing.
i really hope you aren't doing that.

i can't fucking do/take this anymore. i really can't.
i want to just retract. disappear. escape. become invisible.
this is too much for me. i'm eating myself alive. i'm freaking the fuck out.
how did i get here? how did i get myself into this fucking mess? it's all my fault. ALL MY GOD DAMN FUCKING FAULT.

bad grades
bad gpa
no accomplishments
shitty job
shitty hours
drinking
drunk driving
lying lying lying
vouching for my sister
this stupid fucking annoying sexter person
more lying
texts about sex
COLLEGE!?


what else could go wrong...? i swear if one more thing gets fucked up i dont even know what i'll do. i dont even know wtf to do now. i'm so lost and angry and frustrated. i want to just GIVE THE FUCK UP. this is fucking horrible. i dont know what it's going to take to restore the order in everything. i dont really understand how things got fucked up so badly. it wasn't just like i was being completely unfocused and letting everything pass me by....what the fuck. is this karma for something i've done? i'm not sure what i've done that's so bad that i neeeded to be put in this situation. ugh.

i guess complaining won't do a damn thing. complaining just makes me walk in circles. i need to have confidence in myself. i need to belief in myself and have faith that things will get better. i mean, of course they will get betterr...it isn't like things will be this way forever, but now i have to fucking wait it out. i don't want to wait it out. i want things to go back to normal. i want to finish this term paper and be done with high school. i want to start over. i want to start fresh. i want to live in a dorm with a nice girl and meet other nice people and i want to learn as much as i can at a suitable college for me. i want to get the fuck away from here. but apparently i'm not good enough for that. i'm not good enough to ever get what i really want. SELF PITY IS NOT GOING TO GET ME ANYMORE. I NEED TO BE STRONG.

i consume myself so much. i make it worse for myself. i walk towards the black holes instead of away from them. this is my fault and i need to suck it up and become a better person. i need to face the consequences and move on. i need to resist the urge to want to hide away and crawl into a ball and disappear. i need to really really resist the urge to build maroon bricks again. i need to resist so that i can later multiply.

resist and multiply.

please, i beg of you, don't do this to me again.

everything is spinning out of control down down down the elevator.
i'm at a loss.

catch up

many things i need to address. yay rants and filtration.

life lately has felt like a roller coaster. i'm so on and off with my feelings and solidification has felt very far away. but i think with due time, and especially by spring break, things will have placed themselves nicely in some sort of pattern.

i'm really hoping i get into temple so i can just get it off my shoulders. the ambiguity of my future right now is making me so uneasy. it's always in the back of my head. i wish i knew what i wanted or what i thought was 100% right for me but i'm not as well rounded as i thought. in some ways i feel like i'm disinitigrating into the pavement and i need to pull myself up. in some ways i'm more than ready to leave here and go to college but in a lot of other ways i don't feel like i am ready at all. these are weird times. i thought that i've felt lopsided before but i REALLY feel lopsided right now. with almost everything. i have no idea what im looking for as far as a group of friends goes, or a boyfriend/steady commitment, or what major to pick....agh.

hmm. this is seriously unstructured. i guess that's fitting though, lol.
i feel like college is going to be so wild. the experiences i am having so far, without even being in college, are pretty crazy. like drunken friends in hot tubs and boys with boxers and awkward horny kids and sex to dubstep behind maroons curtains and dance parties and strobe lights and way too much dancing and watching as the people around you consume each others energies and suck each others faces off. hahaha.

i feel, sometimes, like i am an innocent bystander to the story that would be my life.
all of my friend groups (or, most) are merging together. and everybody is hooking up with everybody. it's hillarious.

i can feel myself becoming emotionally invested now. hmm. odd. i'm seriously not used to this and very desensitized still but i don't have anything bad to say about it really. well, there have been some dumb lapses in judgment but i have those too with other aspects of life so there's no reason to stay angry. and besides, surface diving gets really boring after awhile, anyways. i think this is the part where the butterflies start to come. or, around where.

progression is interesting to witness, watch, and feel.

prom prom prom prom promanade. i'm really excited but realllllly nervous for prom. i can't wait to find my dress. agh. it's weird how serious this is for me. i guess because ive never been to a prom before and i'm going to be in a gown and it's something i'll always remember. if things happen in the way i think they will, this should be a really perfect night. a really elegant night. a really special night. yeah, special a good word. we shall see, i suppose.

ive been marijuana free for a week now. feels great. i feel more aware of things and definitely a lot healthier. and, i have crazy ass dreams. well, i always have crazy dreams but for awhile i hadn't really remembered them. yeah.

i also need to lay low for awhile. stop going to parties and shit. i need to regain some kind of cohesiveness with my parents again. i just keep spiraling spiraling spiraling downward and i know theyre on their last nerve with me. i said i was trying but perhaps i'm really not trying hard enough. i shouldn't be harboring such a "coulda woulda shoulda" mindset, either. i shouldn't be so afraid of missed opportunities because the ones i'm experiencing are making me walk two steps backward, i think.

well, some..not all of course.

i realized that i consume so much energy but i never give energy. i need to be more open if i want things to fall into place. i need to give a little to get a little. give a lot to get a lot. i am in complete control of my reality now. this is my life. this is my body. this is my time. i need to get up and get goingggggggg. no more excuses. no more time wasted.

i can't wait until this term paper is over so school can be doneee. im excited for the open space. that way i can fully focus on things that i want to improve on, learn, do, and create. order needs to be restored before then, but i think it could happen some how some way.

taking summer classes at psu abington i think. good and bad but i guess it's mostly good even though i'm not too excited for it. but like i saiddddd, order needs to be restored.

i think i just need a fresh start. everything is so washed up and stale now. i need a new school to start fresh at. a clean slate. new people to meet, a new gpa to raise, new opportunities to seize. but it's coming soon soon very sooon so it's alright.

i really want a monroe and i keep thinking about it but my mom would kill me. meh. lame. eventually i'll get one. eventually my life will be so different and same with the person i am. it's so weird to think about that though. i am only 18. i wonder what i'll be like in another 18 years.

well, tomorrow will be a very interesting day. it's my bed time now, i'm beat.

modest mouse shall sing me to sweeeeep.

i think the funny part is that if i really wanted to disappear, i could.

i talk and never say a damn word.
fuck.

when i said "love is not all comfort" i was wrong.





love is ALL comfort.

iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall.
i am a castle wall.
I AM A CASTLE WALL.


why am i so desensitized to this?
i'm not quite sure i understand.
maybe i'm too much of a complex thinker.
maybe this could just be a simple thing.
to get up and walk away would be too easy.
is what i really need to stay here? is this the beast that i have been avoiding?
is this the be all end all of this era? should i continue? how am i supposed to know?
where do i go from here? do i need to go anywhere at all?
my problem is that you make me melt.
and i don't want to be frozen anymore.
but does that answer the question? is that the final answer?
what is the real difference between a yes and a no?
too many questions. not enough answers. i need others to see my eyes.
i'm not ready for these chains. i'm not ready for cemented feet.
is there some middle ground that can be achieved here?
i suppose equilibrium cannot be that hard to find
then again....
i've closed my blinds one too many times.
others open their windows when i close my blinds.
i do not make any sense.

i feel angry.
i don't like immaturity. i don't like lack of human decency. i don't like ambiguity. i don't like feeling hardened. i don't like these walls. i don't like the way i freeze. is this really who i am or is this just the rawness?

self destruction or internal human progression?

sometimes i feel like i'm the only one who has this problem...

things always linger, though.
like picture frames in front of drooping eye lids.
my life is nothing but a fucking carousel.
i switch spots sometimes. switch horses. switch animals.
i experience new comfort zones, but pass the same atmosphere after every rotation.
some periods are shorter or faster. longer or slower. some are almost invisible.
existential carousel.

my progression is masked by cocoons.
one day, i'll be a beautiful purple butterfly
but is that the problem? is the problem that i'm waiting for something greater and not forcing it to happen now? i think i'm really only doing this to myself.
well. of course i am. nobody else has the control. the power. but if nobody else has the power than why do i so often feel powerless?
ugh. lopsided. confused. unfiltered.
i need release.
the sun is out and i need a fucking release.
someone needs to wake me up. something needs to shake me up.
i need to feel something deep. startling. captivating.
this river isn't running deep enough yet.
yet?
that implies longer periods of fake time in the near future.
hmm.

it lingers. i linger. i wait. i stare. i stay quite.
nothing translates. gray is everywhere. walls are everywhere. walls are becoming me. walls are consuming me. walls ive never seen before. roots are growing. roots are being uncovered. hall ways full of darkened light. a self portrait stained in red.

i retract. i retract an extreme amount.
i turn inward. i begin to crawl in my skin.
I FUCKING SETTLE.
i am frustrated
i am lost
lostlostoashdkasydguiqeyt
what am i looking for?
WHY AM I ALWAYS FUCKING SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING
WHY!?

maybe duality isn't what i'm looking for.
maybe i'm looking to be healed
by someone else
who really can't help me.
nobody can help me unless i can help myself
first.
but what do i need to be healed from? is acceptance not enough?
is acceptance the beginning or the end? does it denote the end result? do the ends REALLY justify the means?

life moves in cycles, waves, and phases. happiness is never a constant. contentment has never seemed to exist. perhaps i deem it impossible, somehow? perhaps i cause this whole thing to begin with.
i do things that are so fucking obvious.
the funny thing is that you want to read me like a book
without knowing that you already do.
my roots don't run deep at all. i don't extend to places i probably should.
repetition of common themes.
feelings
emotions
people
situations.

when will life change?
if i am release from my external cage will i feel a release of the internal?
will i stutter or will i stride? or will i stutter while i stride?

i need to solidify myself.
there's too much redundancy here. i don't retain anything. i dont feel anything. i am disassociated. i am desensitized. i am washed up.
i i i i i i i i.
we? no. no. no.
i can't do that. i can't do that right now.
who am i? what color am i? which way do my legs really want to walk? which way does my mouth really want to move when i talk? my eyes don't really tell you how i feel. my neutral face is neutral for a reason. i am numb.
i can't do this. i need to escape this. i'm not ready for this.

things contradict themselves too much. i need some form of clarity and i'm not sure how i'm supposed to find it. does an over abundance of experience cause human expansion? or is it just in the mindset?
i suppose i am going into all of this blind.
i am extremely vulnerable
but at the same time
so incredibly walled.

perhaps sobriety is the best form of power.
maybe that's just what i really need.
or maybe just some fucking simplicity.
if i try not to think about things i feel lost within myself.
i feel distant from the person i am deep inside.
if i continue to think in the patterns i do i self destruct.
walls and emotions and statures and lingering affects
they all just build and build and build and build.
do i strive off chaos just as much as you do?
am i really just walking in your foot steps?
no. i can't bare that thought.

goals are needed
external life is needed
i need to escape this internal cage
cages evvvvvverywhere.


rat rat rat a tat rat rat in a cage cage.