i can't fucking do/take this anymore. i really can't.
i want to just retract. disappear. escape. become invisible.
this is too much for me. i'm eating myself alive. i'm freaking the fuck out.
how did i get here? how did i get myself into this fucking mess? it's all my fault. ALL MY GOD DAMN FUCKING FAULT.

bad grades
bad gpa
no accomplishments
shitty job
shitty hours
drinking
drunk driving
lying lying lying
vouching for my sister
this stupid fucking annoying sexter person
more lying
texts about sex
COLLEGE!?


what else could go wrong...? i swear if one more thing gets fucked up i dont even know what i'll do. i dont even know wtf to do now. i'm so lost and angry and frustrated. i want to just GIVE THE FUCK UP. this is fucking horrible. i dont know what it's going to take to restore the order in everything. i dont really understand how things got fucked up so badly. it wasn't just like i was being completely unfocused and letting everything pass me by....what the fuck. is this karma for something i've done? i'm not sure what i've done that's so bad that i neeeded to be put in this situation. ugh.

i guess complaining won't do a damn thing. complaining just makes me walk in circles. i need to have confidence in myself. i need to belief in myself and have faith that things will get better. i mean, of course they will get betterr...it isn't like things will be this way forever, but now i have to fucking wait it out. i don't want to wait it out. i want things to go back to normal. i want to finish this term paper and be done with high school. i want to start over. i want to start fresh. i want to live in a dorm with a nice girl and meet other nice people and i want to learn as much as i can at a suitable college for me. i want to get the fuck away from here. but apparently i'm not good enough for that. i'm not good enough to ever get what i really want. SELF PITY IS NOT GOING TO GET ME ANYMORE. I NEED TO BE STRONG.

i consume myself so much. i make it worse for myself. i walk towards the black holes instead of away from them. this is my fault and i need to suck it up and become a better person. i need to face the consequences and move on. i need to resist the urge to want to hide away and crawl into a ball and disappear. i need to really really resist the urge to build maroon bricks again. i need to resist so that i can later multiply.

resist and multiply.

please, i beg of you, don't do this to me again.