"Another thing is that no matter how much you think you love somebody, you'll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close"

"rampant intellectualism as a coping mechanism"

"This is the world we live in. Conditions change and we mutate."

"No matter how careful you are, there's going to the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel someday. This is all practice. None of it matters. We're just warming up."

"When nobody will look at you, you can stare a hole in them. Picking out all the little details you'd never stare long enough to get if she'd ever just return your gaze, this, this is your revenge."

"Hysteria is impossible without an audience."

"The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open."

"When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves."

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody i've ever known."

"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."

" 'Relax,' Brandy says, 'Whatever you're thinking a million other folks are thinking. Whatever you do, theyre doing, and none of you is responsible. All of you is cooperative effort.'"

"You're a product of our language and how our laws are how we believe our god wants us. Every bitty molecule about you has already been thought out by some million people before you. Anything you can do is boring and old and perfectly okay. You're safe because you're so trapped inside your culture. Anything you can conceive of is fine because you can conceive of it. You can't imagine any way to escape. There's no way you can get out."

"What you run from only stays with you longer. When you fight something, you only make it stronger."

"Don't do what you want. Do what you don't want. Do what you're trained not to want."

"Do the thing that scares you the most."

"Beauty if power the way money is power the way a loaded gun is power."

"Our real discoveries come from chaos. From going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish."

"It's because we're so trapped in our culture, in the being of being human on this planet with the brains we have, and the same two arms and two legs everybody has. We're so trapped that any way we could imagine to escape would be just another part of the trap. Anything we want, we're trained to want."

"That's what I love about fire, how it would kill me as quick as anybody else. How it can't know i'm its mother. It's so beautiful and powerful and beyond feeling anything for anybody, that's what I love about fire."

"There's no escaping fate, it just keeps going."

no matter how far away we are, we still have never left.

people would hate me if they read this blog.

I wake up when everybody is sleeping. Quietly, the people around me dream of worlds they wish they knew, only to wake up and forget their longing. With a swiftness of motion I only wish I could harbor, these same people glide through the stream of the day effortlessly fitting into the structural mold set out before them. Each morning they rise, and mold themselves around the cookie cutter outline that they hang up to rest every single night, right before they melt and head back into the same familiar dream world. The movements these people make, the way they dress, the things they say, and the way they look- it all goes together in this coherent fashion. It all somehow makes sense. But me, I am a mess of individual tangled webs, floating distantly from each other. I am grey matter, and these people are rainbows. Their light shines on me when I am sleeping, and my eyes take awhile to adjust. This process needs to be turned around somehow. Together, the molds should be coherent and easy to fit inside of. But for me, I have no shape. I squirm around without solidification, forever wishing to find my shape.

I do not want the harbor the feeling that love is going to fill me up, save me, or solidify my lines. I do not want to harbor the feeling or belief that love is powerful beyond all other things, and that even when everything else is grey, love will rain millions of tine little rainbow pieces into your lap and shower you with a rainbow of color. I do not want to rely on love to make me feel the way I know I long to feel or to give me the optimism and security I so desire. I do not want to feel the need to glide my fingers lovingly through one's hair, down one's spine, or gently across a persons lips. I do not want to ache for white sheets, and tangled legs matching tangled arms and the steady, familiar, and warm breath of another person against my cheek as the radiator hums and no words need to be said. I do not want to step foot in the doorway of the truly open, vast, white light, knowing I have to, or maybe already have, cut myself open. Utterly exposed, vulnerable, spilling all my liquid. I do not want this.

Just a few things;

Truth is accuracy.

Optimism is pretty much an essential quality if you want to be a relatively happy, contented person.

Optimism sprouts from the knowledge that you are in control of your own life, not your past and not those around you.

Feelings are something you have, not something you are.

Be the person you actually are, not the person you think you should be.

You manufacture beauty with your mind.

It is always safe to see yourself truthfully.

All the self-hatred or criticism in your life does not penetrate to the deepest level of you. For some reason it cannot.

Avoid self pity by taking responsibility for everything that happens to you, even if somebody else is at fault.

Repair yourself. Move forward. Move on.

Even f you are a victim, you must never be a victim.

While you wait for someone else to come along and set things right, life has move forward without you.

A common misconception is that confidence arises from ability and that if you want confidence, you have to get better at what you do. This is false. Confidence has nothing to do with ability.

If you want to be more confident, you do not need to add anything more to your personality or skill level.  Confidence is a reduction of your own interest in weather others are thinking about you, and if so what they are thinking.  To be more confident you need to give a whole lot less of a shit about what other people think of you.

As long as you pay attention only to what is happening right here, right this instant, you will be more fully yourself.

Be where you are when you're there, doing whatever it is you are doing.

Unscripted, unedited, and wholly authentic people are almost universally admired especially if they have flaws, are not afraid to make live, red blooded, mistakes, and rather than trying are simply busy being.

BE, DON'T TRY.

When you try to do or be something, you can't do or be it.

A lack of self esteem really suggest a feeling of shame over being oneself. Shame was dumped there by someone else. Shame is a very heavy, dense dissapointment; someone else's in you. Shame is the voice that bringas you "back down to earth."

People shame other people because they are jealous, reminded of themselves, or recognize in somebody else something they have been taught to hate.

If you hate life you haven't seen enough of it. If you hate your life, it is because your life is too small and doesn't fit you.

There is always dishonesty and the heart of unhappiness.

You can only live in the past inside your mind.

All of us are made not only of what we have but of what we lost.

Loss is not a subtraction. As an experience, it is an addition.

Insight leads to understanding which leads to choice.

The past does not haunt us. We haunt the past. We allow our minds to focus in that direction.

To live with your mind in the past- in the name of healing or understanding or overcoming- is to live in a fantasy world where nothing new or original is created.

What others see of you is only what you show them.

Until you define, precisely, just exactly what "happy" is, you will never feel it. By defining what happy meanings to you in absolutely concrete terms, you can then see what actions you need to take.

Even the most terrible loss doesn't have to make you darker; it can make you deeper.

Live inside the very moment you want to run away from.

Nothing is ever as bad as you anticipate it will be. Even the worst thing you can imagine is not so terrible when viewed from the inside.

The truth is the thing you recognize instantly even if you've never seen it before. You know.

Nothing you build on inaccuracy or mere hope or longing or lies or laws that oppose the nature of things can endure.

Follow what is true, no matter where it leads you.

IwanttogetsodrunkInolongerrecongizertheachebutcanstillremainsomehowinchometrol

(you is still meaningless. but that's nothing new)

I want to permanently stain my fingertips on the surface of your skin, leaving my mark effortlessly but with every single bit of energy and all the total weight of molecules that are housed within my plastic skin.

people should not get involved with me. I should not get involved with people.

for one, I'm into really weird things as far as aesthetics of the body go. I dig feet and ears and hands. smiles and eyes and there is probably nothing sexier than facial hair and hairy legs. (see, i'm weird!). I write stupid, non coherent, unimportant ramblings in my blog on a daily basis. I am only sarcastic up to a certain point and I am really not that funny. I don't think I have the capacity to love someone else because I don't really love myself. I mean, I want to love someone else but I don't like the process. That's a whole other story. lol. I'm bad at breaking the boundaries and at trusting people. Really, I am like a locked box and it's really hard to find my key. What really happens is that people usually end up throwing the box around on the cement ground, trying to break it open, but my liquid only spills a certain amount, and never more. But once it's more it's like there's too much liquid probably. If you can't swim, all there is to do is drown. So really, before you swim you've got to be okay to sink. And that's a lot to tell someone before they even get in the water.

things that make me want throw up on myself

(for good and bad reasons alike)

- the level of insecurity I harbor when comparing/in comparing myself to others.
- seemingly never getting what I want directly, but instead getting it at the next level down.
- the vastness of the world.
- nervousness before hanging with new people.
- realizing you don't stick out like a sore thumb and really it's just all in my head.
- without lust so many things would be meaningless.
- not being able to say no.
- the instantaneous reason that this is the key route of so many problems.
- seeing Radiohead live, Thom Yorke sining in front of my eyes as if I am the only one in the room.
- Love. (which is both good and bad, and why it should be kept 'till last)

the dilemna:


if I hooked up with boy number 1 I would start to feel like it was a dumb idea because he lacks the intelligence I like. just like, something is sort of missing there. but we have a lot in common and he is cute.

if I hooked up with boy number 2 I would start to feel bad because I am pretty positive he is into me more than I am into him and I'm not trying to hurt anyone.  he is also cute though and has a good personality, great smile, etc.

too many things start just by attraction. I don't like it. I don't like sexual inclination/want/desire until it actually occurs within a certain spectrum of some other kind of emotion.

guess I will have to play this superly by ear, but have to be careful not to hurt anyone while also remaining open to the idea that anything can happen and the people you least expect it can actually be the one to dive right down with you.

A typical case of me overthinking all courses of small actions I can, may, and will take.

the apple of my eye is really a strawberry, I swear!

That life we once lived in so easily, so effortlessly. We lived it like we breathed it - in, out; in, out  not knowing that the time would come when every movement of our lives would be an effort, when we'd have to think about every step, every word, every gesture. Nothing's unconscious for me now, everything's self conscious.  -John Marsden, Checkers

I've always loved this quote ever since I read the book in 6th grade.

is it borderline alcoholism if I save my drink that I can't drink while i'm out, because I have drive, to drink at home, alone, in the comfort of my own bed?

although, I wouldn't say full comfort because I want to tangle legs tangle tongues tangle heart strings.



(sorta)

I
want
to
touch
you
I
want
you
to
touch
me
lets
touch
each
other.

hmm...atleast I hide it well?
so well I don't even know where it goes

erasing all use of the word I. What if ego never existed? would happiness be more easily felt? would happiness be there at all?

I need to put a whiteboard in my room.
I need it. I need to sort my thoughts out in front of me, in big bold letters. this is essential. this will happen.

I want to get drunk and have sex