I feel weird. I feel so in between stages of everything and it's resulting in feeling so completely blank. I like to kiss you and want to kiss you when I see and want to see your name appear under new text messages. But I wouldn't say I like you because I barely know you. When I am around you I don't know how to act because I'm horrible at affection and I barely know you. I want to learn so much about you because there is so much about you to learn. And I like that you get happy when you see me and you smile that cute little smile. I Can tell you're a genuine guy and it excites me to know and feel confident in that. Stuff like this freaks me out though. I am horrible with putting my feelings on the table. It takes me months for feelings to even begin because comfort is the base of those things, and we aren't exactly there yet. This is exciting though because I get so nervous everytime I know I will be seeing you. The fact that I am giving myself, slowly, to someone is invigorating. It has been two years since I have done that and it's so weird to think about doing it now. I am still afraid of getting hurt though but I know I can't let that hold me back. Sometimes though I want to just retract and hide from it because it's more comfortable there. I have comfortable blankets and here I am bare-skinned. but I know this is good for me and will be good for me. I need this experience and this opportunity and I need to seize and cherish it for what it is. It is still very new but it is exciting and fresh and that's what I need. Freshness. Everything was stale for so long, it's nice to see some other colors in the mix now. Let's see where this takes us.

I want to sip wine with tangled legs while we listen to Franz Ferdinand in a dimly lit room.

Walking through a dimly lit sorority house. I know about half the people in this house. Everyone around me is very drunk. I seemed to have arrive at an inopportune time because everyone and everything was flying right by me. The noise floating above my head. I walk into different rooms asking for alcohol, but nobody seems to have any and it frustrates me because all I want to do is get drunk. I go into this girl Ashley's room who I know from high school. I always thought she was annoying but she is my last resort for alcohol. She has no alcohol, but is still just as crazy as ever and attempts to suck me into a never ending conversation. I somehow get out of it and away from there. I end up outside where I see Joe, Luke, and Nick, people I also know from high school or before that. They are drunk and on their way to some kids apartment to sleep. I don't want to go to sleep, I just want to get drunk, but I go with them anyway. We enter the apartment but it turns into a hotel. I lose everyone I am with and am once again by myself. Again, I am looking for alcohol or just something fun to do and I walk into people's rooms with no regard for who they are. The first room I enter is this boy Kevin's. He used to date my best friend from middle school, Alison. I enter the room and, ironically, Alison is somehow with me. I try to walk with Kevin into the kitchen before she see's but she see's anyways. I don't want her to get upset. I learn that Kevin has been living in this hotel room for quite awhile now and wishes to leave but has nowhere to go and nobody to go with. I say I am trying to get out of here, go somewhere, go anywhere and without hesitating he packs his things and we go. Alison disappears and it is just Kevin and I. We have no destination but we just had wanted to go, so that we did. It turns into Kevin and I in a car. I am driving. He hands me a paper bag with two grams of weed in it and some kind of message or note that but I don't remember what it said on it. I tell him I don't smoke anymore and he grows sensitive to this saying, "hopefully that doesn't lead you to think I am a bad influence on you and your life. I wouldn't want that." I tell him no, of course not, but somehow this seems to be epic foreshadowing. We don't really go anywhere, or atleast I don't think so, because I end up at home and alone, once again. I don't know why but I am now overcome and overwhelmed with intense fear. I connect this fear with Kevin's presence in my life although I am not sure why. This fear is incredibly paralyzing and hard to handle. I fear something terrible is going to happen. I try to explain this to my family but they don't believe. There is this dark energy lurking over me. I can feel it. Haunting events begin to take place. That night I wake up with a red rash all over my arms. I can deal with it, no problem. The next night something falls and begins to smoke in my kitchen. Everyone is sleeping and nobody is downstairs. It freaks me out. My fear grows more intense. The next night, there are two pieces of art in my room with the same cat on them. One is fabric and one is paint. The paint turns to fabric and the fabric turns to paint and there is an outline of a cat on my door in blood red. Fucking creepy. This takes me over the edge. I lose my mind completely to this fear. I scream, go crazy, lash out. Nobody senses this fear like I do or feels it like I do and I feel trapped by it. It is everywhere I fucking turn. I find out Alison has died. Fear increases. I can no longer mentally handle this fear and I begin tearing apart my furniture which is made of hard cardboard. I rip it and destroy it completely. The destruction feels good. I then feel I need to talk to someone about this so I get Mrs. K and she is driving, me in the passenger seat. I explain the situations to her and in front of us is a dark gloomy cloud covering the sky. Nothing feels safe. It freaks me out. She drives me to a hospital where I see Mike. He says something I don't recall and then I stand there and scream the loudest I possible can. My soul is taken over by the best of fear. I am paralyzed completely with this fear both mentally and physically. All natural sense is gone. I remember nothing else except for eternal sense of discomfort and fear that closes in around me tighter and tighter with every minute. Pretty Freaky.

being scared is a form of resistance. resistance is reluctance. reluctance is mistrust. mistrust is insecurity. insecurity eats at you. then you die.

I don't know what it's supposed to mean, but if you can make me feel like how I make myself feel, I might deem you worthy to stay. Do I ask too much? Am I too ambiguous. I'm not sorry.

throw your keys in the bowl, 'cause you're here to spend the night.

my feet want you to touch them. my feet are raw. if you know what that means, the rest of me is too.

nothing happens when anger is present or outwardly expressed. no growth happens when one is angry. anger is resistance. resistance is regression. please, let yourself sink.

(lots of grammar mistakes in this, fyi)

life is funny lately. the discomfort I often feel is only going to sink by facing that same discomfort. I have decided to put myself out there and say yes to almost everything. I need more life experiences, stories to tell, and places to stretch my limbs. as I have stated here or elsewhere, I don't really remember, this enables me to become a yes man and agree to doing things. I will not drive drunk or do drugs tho, obviously.

with this being said it seems the first experiences to seize are dates with guys. although I have only been on two dates within the past week which might not seem like much, it definitely feels like a huge change from the 0 dates I have been on in the (very close to) past two years. The good thing about dates is that the guys pay for the food and you get to enjoy it for everything it is worth. the bad thing about dates is that guys probably feel a sense of entitlement afterwards. "I paid $40 to take you out tonight. I better receive a(tleast a) kiss, damnit". haw. any guy expecting more than that, as in some sort of tuggy in the back of his cold car or even worse than that I wouldn't be on a date with anyways. These dates are interesting though, and make me want to start a diary strictly documenting the courses of actions taken throughout the nights, tactics of each male, conversations had, and, most of all, how long each male can go on continuously talking about themselves for.

Dates are funny because it is almost always apparent that both parties are nervous but, of course, never openly admit it. Eye contact is always weird. We live in a world where we are so afraid to act ourselves out of fear of judgment. To some people it is so intense they never go out on dates ever, or even do anything similar to it. I mean this, right here, is what I am trying to steer myself away from because it does no good.

anyways. the thing with dates is that there are so many different kinds. I mean there are blind dates where you just meet the person and have to endure 2 or more hours of making up conversation with someone you know nothing about. this can go in good or bad ways, it really depends and is what ultimately leads to the decision of another date of not. Then there are those dates with people you have texted a little bit, only know a small amount of info on them, but you go out anyways. These dates are somewhat more smooth because you atleast know where to steer the conversation in the beginning but can be daunting because you barely know each other. Then there are the dates where you've texted or hungout with the person a lot before dating them. These dates are usually the best because you have a good sense of who they are and can make conversation based on what you know they will like. These kinds of dates can be nerve raking through when two people are very different. The person must filter their thoughts more and gear them to topics of interest while the topics to talk about are slim. either way, dates can be a bit weird solely because you are both nervous due to the fact that you want them to like you and they want you to like them, and also because energy now has to be shared between only the two of you, where as in a group setting it is completely different.
This is the most nerve racking part for me. So often I want to just remain silent and not say much, but silence scares me. It is like if I remain silent it will be anything put that, and once silence ensues the awkward eye contact is made and it all goes down hill from there. If this really would happen, or does happen, I'm not really sure, but I try my best to ignore it because I am afraid of it. I'm not afraid to admit that, though.
so date number one was with someone I had hung out with a couple times in a group setting and have texted a little bit. It was apparent we were/are both interested in each other. truthfully, I was just waiting around for him to ask me out but it never happens so I took initiative. He jumped on the opportunity right away, a sign he was just nervous to ask. Nervousness, kind of cute. Attractive. In the same ways sadness is somehow attractive as long as it's not the sole emotion. so he picked me up. We decided to go to a sushi place near me. to my surprise he brought a bottle of wine with him. The waitress didn't care how old we were, didn't even ask, so we casually drank it while eating a talking. I was extremely nervous for this date. I do not ever date, put myself out there, or even ask guys on dates, but I really put myself out there on this one. Conversation actually ran quite smoothly and I Was feeling happy with myself for not fucking it up. lol. Then we were done eating and it was like 9 and I didn't want to go home so we went to his house. I don't know if me saying I didn't mind going there sounded like an invitation to do sexual things with him, but I did not intend for it to sound that way. That's the one problem with guys. They take everything in sexual context. Anyways though, we went to his house and sat on his couch about a foot away. If he didn't know I wanted to kiss him he was crazy. I asked him on the date, it was his chance to make the next move. After about what felt like a year, and after him progressively getting closer to me, he finally leaned in and kissed me. "jesus," he said, "took me long enough!" ahha. funny. able to laugh at self. again, nervous but cute. I really had wanted to kiss him for a long time. I think what I initially liked about him was his ability to appear real to me. He wasn't someone who always seemed happy or always sad. He shows a bit of fear or insecurity in his smile, but is outwardly able to be funny and social and I liked that. Aside from that, he is tall with great hands. Just some small things I enjoyed about him. I know these are physical and only mean so much, but that's the only basis I had. While at his house he attempted to do more with me but I didn't want to and he understood. Thank god. So we just talked and what not.
two days later we hung out again. This time at his place with a group of people. Drinking, listening to music, etc. I slept over and he attempted to do more but I didn't want to, again. I felt bad this time because he so obviously wanted to/was horny and I know it is hard for guys to control that stuff. But this stuff freaks me out. It isn't that I like this guy. I wouldn't say I like him just yet, but the interest is still there. I enjoy what I know of him so far but I am afraid for it to turn sexual.
Sexual interest can be really deceiving. Meaning, one can mistake lust for actual liking very easily. I don't know. I am scared. This stuff freaks me out. Also I am not the most comfortable when it comes to sex. I want to be but never have been. It sucks. I know I shouldn't worry about it but I do. ugh I don't know. having sex is just such a big act of openness. I mean it is the MOST intense act of openness one can do. It means a lot to see someone naked, view someone from multiple angels. IT FREAKS ME OUT.
anyways I don't really know where to take it from here except for slow and steady so that's what I'm doing. no overthinking of what not. things are what they are, they should progress naturally and with ease. too much thought kills things. it's overthinking something until you can't feel it anymore. hmm.

date number 2. he picked me up and we went to tgi fridays. I was a lot less nervous for this date for a couple reasons. We had texted a lott lot lot which gave me a good idea of the person he is. I was able to understand him in a way. Also, because I had just been on a different date, I was a but more confident that I wouldn't screw up. Granted, I was still nervous. We are pretty different as far as our interests go. or really, as far as anything goes, and I was afraid we wouldn't be able to make conversation. I was really wrong about this because we were able to talk for a long while. What I liked about him was that he didn't talk overly so about himself. What he did was he talked about his friends and their lives and their roles in his life and vise versa. This is something I would do, and did do. He was also pretty relaxed which I thought was nice. I wasn't really sure how he felt going into the date. If he was nervous he did a good job at hiding it and transforming it into smoothness. dinner was nice then we drove around bc there was nothing else to do. Finally we decided on going to a movie. I am weird with hooking up in movies. that's a lie actually. i'm weird with hooking up in general. I become very stiff, not really knowing how to outwardly portray emotions. at my core I am an introvert and so I feel as if I freeze inside of myself many times before it actually happens. He took my hand is this cute little way and we started holding hands. Eventually he moved the arm rest and I moved closer to him and then one thing led to the other and I made the move to kiss him. I felt confident I could kiss him. He obviously wanted to and wasn't about to turn it down. What was nice was that he wasn't overly forceful with the kiss. At first I thought he didn't even want to do it in the first place because he was so relaxed. It was a nice night but in a way I feel that's all it was.

I guess with these experiences I learn not to be so judgmental of myself. I have so many inhibitions about things and I am very fearful for how others will perceive me or how my facial expressions will look. Really though, people think I am a cool girl and for some reason that is hard for me to except because I feel so opposite deep inside. And that's what gets to me. It's like i'm all gray inside to myself but i'm a rainbow of colors on the outside to someone else. And then it's like, do we even have the same pair of glasses on? are you living in the same world as me? ...what? But in the end we are two separate people coming together because we want to feel wanted and want to share ourselves and our life experiences. Really, that is what it comes down to. At the end of the day we are both human beings wanting, wishing, and feeling basically all of the same things. That is what makes things like this bearable and okay. Because we are only human.

SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE

feeling like I don't know how to let myself feel. I try and I try but energy is just placed, replaced, and displaced to other areas. I guess things take time.


suck my skin off. let's unwind into a vacuum where thought is absent and we are nothing but air.

I don't know how to do this with smooth ease. This stuff freaks me out.

I was at college when internships were starting. I didn't know my place and kept fluctuation back and forth between the medical department and somewhere else, somewhere else I can't remember. By fluctuating I mean walking. As I was walking back from the medical department, I cut through a state where a college orientation was taking place. The instructor was explaining that you should never walk around with just socks on. As she was saying this I crossed the stage wearing blue fuzzy socks and no shoes. In my head I said to myself "that awkward moment when they tell you not to only wear socks and that's all you're wearing." ha. The floor is hard wood floor and as a result I slip and fall right in front of a stair case with a metal banister. I fall all the way down and try to get up but I can't. Once I gain my composure I get up again only to fall once more. I make a huge fool out myself. Incredibly so. But only one person in the back is laughing at me and I remember sort of feeling connected to him in some weird way. I get back on my feet and walk swiftly out. Before leaving I turn to the audience and say "guess you really shouldn't wear ONLY socks. have a good one!" It felt good to hear my own voice so loud, but I was sure i'd made a fool of myself. I left and it was dark outside. I forget where I Was going but I saw a girl (Brittani) who I have lost friendship with for understandable reasons. She had to ask me some questions about dinner I needed to go to that she was planning. I told her to stop being a bitch to me and she actually said sorry, and the next thing I remember it turned into a text conversation and we had made up with her saying I was cute.
I don't remember much after that but the whole me not wearing shoes things is kind of funny. The walking back of forth is very symbolic of my feelings towards life itself right now, as I seem to teeter on the lines in between two huge roads. Dreams are such good peep holes, it is very interesting. Eventually you always end up somewhere though.

the whole time all I needed was to stop thinking and start feeling. objectifying things is good until they turn so incredibly solid that you can't even absorb them. It was kind of like I had a layer of plastic skin around my real skin. Nothing could get inside, nothing could seep out of me. I was just so focused on the suffocation that I was only suffocating myself even more. I can finally breathe now. My pores opened, I bathed myself in hot water and melted my plastic skin. I am a human being saying hello to the world.

nothing is wanted. blank. nothing. I am blank, like I wanted.

I don't know where I am going with this blog but I guess I never have. I will just write whatever I feel like.

this is me

“I’ve been told I have nice eyes. Eyes from which nothing but truth could possible seep. They say the sea is actually black and that it merely reflects the blue sky above. So it was with me. I allowed you to admire yourself in my eyes. I provided a service. I listened and listened and listened. You stored yourself in me.”

-Diary of an Oxygen Theif

I like these lyrics, but don't relate.

"All your insides fall to pieces, just sit there wishing you could still make love."

I am not sad anymore

You is pointless, meaningless, bottomless. There is nobody there, nobody there but the air. the air has hands that slide all smooth and swift-like down the contours. It tightens and expands and turns blue when it really wants to. But mostly the air is just clear and thin and invisible. It doesn't need to be loved or need to give love. The air has the truest freedom I ever known. Imagine being the air. Wouldn't you like it?

I just don't know. I really don't know and I can't believe I don't know. I have no idea. Not a fucking clue. I want to go away. I know that I will be happiest if I go away. I need to go away for the sake of my own creativity and well being. I want to be with new people and force myself outside of my comfort zone. I want something that will invigorate me. I want to be in the city, I think, but I honestly feel like I could be happy anywhere. I adapt well to situations and I would be able to grow comfortable in the place I am at, if given the chance to stay there for a prolonged period of time. I want to go away because being on my own will objectify things, make them more clear for me. I need some sort of way to help me decide. I don't know I feel so lost.

If I go away it's going to cost money. I will be without a job and without incoming money and I will be in debt. I feel that I am wasting my time here by living at home. I feel I could be thriving in other places, being in a new environment. Doing things with new people, testing my energy levels. I don't want to wait another year to go to main campus. I don't know if I belong there. The problem is I just have this weird feeling about it. I want somewhere smaller. But Penn State has everything you could ask for. this is a hard decision.

it's just that, there are certain times where my life seems to rain...no downpour upon me and always at the worst possible moments. always during the times where I want the sunlight instead of the cold, damp, irritating feel of the rain seeping into my hair and through my clothes. and this is when life seems like it's too much to handle. I feel myself becoming more translucent, fading away within the air molecules. I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point, but everything just seems so heavy and so light at the same time, and in the worst way possible. It is a horrible feeling, nothing gives, and I offer no stimulation. So Now What?

I feel myself growing closer, but I am not there yet. No, not there yet. I need to be somewhere big. substantial. I need the world to pulsate before me and spill it's blood on my feet, begging me to curl up inside of it. Somewhere, in all the energy masses and chaotic atoms that float around in the world, there is a small hole waiting for me to become solidified. Waiting for me to shine my own light, with my own unique shades of color and hue and lightness/darkness. The world is waiting for me, but I am waiting on the world. One Day.

are you always sad? someone asked. (always is such a long, long time.) I couldn't say. But. If sadness was a sea, I would drown in it. (Salty and warm, sadness is). (cold too, somtimes.) and I happen to love the sea.

I wish I didn't constantly feel on the other side of things. On the outside. Like a floater. I wish I felt like I belonged to a group of people and I was a solidified person. It makes me upset that I am not. I don't want to be a floater, I like being in a group. I want to be in a group. I want people of the group to want me to be there. How do I get there?

the blood in my veins just began to run a little more quickly. this is fucking weird. I think I forgot I had this ability. shit.

maybe it isn't necessarily you, maybe the circumstance just lit up the fire again in the pit of my stomache that uncontrollably screams "TOUCH ME, TOUCH ME".

I hardly know you. I hardly know myself

It's been a long while since I felt lonely like this.

changing so much.

November 9th.

I know someone is a good writer when they can write about a woman's body and her sexual encounter(s) perfectly.

November 8th.

The hug I had given him was rather unexpected. I was cold but we were distant and still very much apart from each other. I don't know why he insisted on giving me a hug, but I would never chose to decline a hug, especially from someone like him. We held onto each other for a much longer, and tighter, period than I had expected and despite how off it was, it really did fill me up with a warmth that carried me the whole way home.

November 8th.

I had one of those really great cathartic laughs today. The ones in which you can feel the joy from the pit of your stomach all the way up to the edges of your lips. Oh my god, it felt so good. And to think I didn't even know the last names of the people sitting at the table with me.

November 7th.

The thing is that I allow myself to feel like a nothing and nobody has time for sadness.

November 10

go away. go away from me.

(what I really want to say is please take this away. take this away from me.)

November 7th.

It is a huge fantasy of mine to meet an intelligent and extremely cute but innocent boy at a barnes and nobles book store.

NOVEMBER 10

And if I could, I would outstretch my arms and allow you to fall right inside of them. And we would caress each other in a way that would make the surrounding air feel warm and light, absorbing the smells of each other's skin and the faded scents of our perfume from the days long adventures. No talking would be necessary, only the rhythmic sounds of our hearts beating in synchronized motions. The blood runs from my heart to my head to my feet and back again. Pulling away, I give a large smile. One that is bigger than I have given in months. I look up at the midnight stars and then back, once more, at your glowing eyes. There is no need for reassurance. I Am Alive.

this blog is no longer interesting.

THINGS TO BAKE

http://ht.ly/7wMLg

http://www.whatmegansmaking.com/2010/12/peppermint-patties.html

http://www.whatmegansmaking.com/2010/11/pumpkin-candy-cups.html

http://www.whatmegansmaking.com/2010/12/cookie-dough-truffles.html

http://www.doughmesstic.net/2010/12/14/creamy-homemade-peppermint-patties/

i'm gonna write one those really long about me type things again. stating everything i like and dislike and love and want and shit like that.

once all this econ shenanigans is over.

kinda funny but truth is that i have deemed this blog as negative, my tumblr as creative, and my physical journal that I actually write is as positive. but maybe I should merge them all into one? idk.

does everything need to be typed out and portrayed out loud? does everything need to be analysed and diluted? what if i decided not to notice? would i be happier then? would i? what is right? what is wrong? i wish someone would make the decisions for me, but at the end of the day this is my life. my choices. and all I can think about is the fact that you didn't even know what to say to me.

right now my life just feels like a sad fucking joke.

maybe it shouldn't hurt my feelings but it still does when someone says they will hit me up and then they never do. if you tell me that i will think we are going to hangout and when you don't then that means i stayed in for nothing....i know it shouldn't hurt my feelings but it does

I like the colors black, light pink, white, gray, red, and purple.

I really was so in love and so happy. I don't miss it, i'm just reading old posts and it's funny to me how much emotions some word formations can carry.

I almost missed it, I almost forgot.

when all you are is defenses and mechanisms that mesh together to turn the gears of your machinery. how am I supposed to know real from fake when fake has been around longer than real?

reality of the situation is that I definitely want your brother and not you.

whenever I leave my tv on when I am sleeping I have the weirdest dreams

"have you gone crazy? i need to know if you've gone crazy. seriously I mean that's something I need to know. are you crazy?"

"I am awake."

I am so bad at flirting because I suck at giving myself away. I feel like it's so naughty....wtf, should I just be open!?!?!?

how can others think so highly of me when I think so minimally of myself!?
it does not add uppppppppppp

I feel like I have no idea who I am, what I like, what makes me happy, or what I want.

how do I fix it?

I kind of feel like I should have been born in the 1950's. But only kind of.

I want to know why it feels so much better to post a status on facebook, where so many people can read it, than it does to create a blog post in which nobody reads it. hmm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bpdwwa7lsUI

not really sure if anyone looks at this what so ever, but if you are reading this, I love this song and you should listen to it. I almost forgot.

I like feet and ears and long nails and skinny legs and boney knees and books about erotica and memoirs and iced tea from dunkin donuts and cuddling with bare skinned legs and new friendships and that quick but strong gaze of two strangers who can feel the attraction and people that enjoy the rain because they get wet and being wet feels refreshing and being refreshed is what one longs for.

"Intoxicated with the madness, i'm in love with my sadness"

"emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness and god is empty, just like me."

Sometimes I analyze and over think life to the point where nothing feels real

I freak myself out

The whole shameful, suffocating, and horrible realization is the fact that I am nothing but a walking defense mechanism. What is supposed to just be a small part of ones character is something completely different for me and I feel as if nobody will ever understand that.

so many goals to be made. I can't wait for thanksgiving break to sort all of this out.

for every book I read or story or article or anything, I want to get atleast 1 quote from it.
Let the games begin: (currently reading Brief Interviews with Hideous Men by David Foster Wallace)

I just feel lonely. really really lonely and all I want to do is get out of here so I can meet You and cuddle and dance and actually find myself walking towards the place I want to get to. it will happen, right? If I keep it in my frontal lobes, I won't just waste my life waiting around, will I? I'm afraid of that. If I constantly feel afraid of that is the denoting its fate in saying it won't come? I want it to come. I want to get away, find my niche, find You, find a smile. agh.

THE MORNING PAGES

If you want any kind of assurance that weed opens the mind, just read the Cathedral by Raymond Carver, he'll tell ya

Even though Billy Corgan seems like a pompous asshole, his voice is tooo great

Is it really possible to fake it until you make it?

I had a dream last night that I moved into a new house that was bigger but cheaper for my family. I was really excited about it because I would get my own room that has a bathroom attatched to it and all I could think about was the fact that I could have my (completely invisible but totally hot) boyfriend in the shower with my and not have to worry about anyone walking in. I was also excited to decorate my walls with posters, tapestries, and pictures galore.

I feel like I charactorize things in my life as happening at certain points. Like, for example, I go by Madi to every single person I know but what if I started going by Madalyn? I can only go by Madalyn once I have fully become myself, fit into a style, and can define myself. I also wouldn't want to be called Madalyn unless my hair was somewhat long. But is it bad that I look at it that way? I feel like there is a lot of potential here but I push it off until it is fully completed and i'm not sure if that's the right thing to do because maybe that just warrents a lack of motivation. I don't know lol.

I have been trying to hard to stay positive and keep myself moving forward. A lot of shit in life is so fucked up right now it's beyond comprehension. I really never thought I would see myself in a situation like this, but the sad part is that I kind of created it. Not all of it, but some of it. Right now, my step dad is in florida trying to make his business, which involves the cleaning of the hospital cubicle curtains, draperies, cart covers, lab coats, etc. Meanwhile, me, my mother, and my sister and up here in PA and my mother is trying to handle the marketing/accounting aspect of the business. the problem is that we aren't making a lot of money. the other problem is that my step dad, since he has bad credit, has to live in a hotel because he can't approved for a house. so he has been living in a hotel for a month and a half at $35 a night. All of the money that we earn from doing jobs and booking appointments goes right to the cost of the hotel. This leaves us with no money to pay the bills for the house, car insurance, the mortgage, etc. In addition to that, today, my step dad got kicked out of the hotel because he hasn't been paying the bill because we don't have any incoming money. Also on top of that is the fact that not only me, but my mother and I BOTH, have recieved DUI's and are going to lose our license. this leaves us with two cars and nowhere to go and no way of getting there unless we use MONEY to get a fucking cab. It really, extremely, freakily scares me and I have no idea how this is going to work. We really don't even have enough money to pay for food at this point. I feel like the only option for me is to go away to college and not have to deal with it so that I won't need a car and won't need to worry about what's happening around me. the problem with that is the process of taking loans out, which I am afraid to do because that is a lot of money and will take a very long time to pay off. Also, I don't want to lose my job because I will not have very much money to pay for things unless I somehow get a job wherever I go to college but that is super unrealistic. I don't know. I need someone else's opinion. I need to ask people about this because I suck at making decisions. But this all could really backfire in my face, in both ways. It really freaks me out.

Besides this negativity though, I have created a Positivity Progression Process journal which I use to track the things of each day that I felt good about. I also track my successes and things I was proud of myself for. This has definitely helped but I still have underlying feelings of incompetence, being boring, and just overall suckiness. I still freeze inside of myself when it comes to showing myself and that's hard to deal with. but I am doing okay. I know this is something that doesn't happen over night, but I am afraid of how long it is going to take because I want things...and I want them now.

I kind of want to talk to a therapist about this. But the thing is...that a therapist cost like $80-$150 dollars A SESSION and I mean, who the fuck can afford that?

The way that we are supposed to live life right now is just horrible. It's hard to go through day by day with no money and knowing you're just getting closer to something even worse happening. But at the same time this is a lesson/test for me to be able to take each day by the horns and cherish it for what it is instead of focusing on the future or on the past. really, I need to just focus on today and what today is going to bring. I Still need to set goals and ways of life and things I Want to accomplish. I want to be successful and be complete and whole but there is a lot still standing in my way and I need to break though all of it.

one step at a time. I know I can, it's just a matter of

how?

incomplete sentences

still just trying to keep myself afloat. wanting to indulge myself more and more each day. making goals to learn 1 new thing a day, and then I want to also write a review about it to help gain better talent with writing. also wanting to analyze people in my own secretive ways just to test myself. it'd be cool to keep a tab on each person i analyze that includes their answers to the questions i present to them. I think this is a good way to help me progress in the areas I want to be progress towards. Not really caring if it's creepy because it's just for me, and not for harmful purposes. Also wanting to learn more about philosophy and space and other branches oh pysch. Processes are not meant to be short, I guess. Also still fantasizing about women but it's really a man who wears scruff all the time and who likes to wear dress shoes with jeans, that I really long for. But most of all I just really fucking long for some inner peace. It's super hard to get to the place I want to be and to push away the negative thoughts and to be able to actually say yes when I want nothing more (and simultaneously nothing LESS) than to say no. no no no no. with this feeling also comes the ever some increasing feeling with the fact that time is limited and eventually I will wake up and walk out the door to complete and utter silence and realize that I have just awakened while everyone is sleeping, and all the time everybody was out being active, I did nothing but hide. and I don't want...nobody would want that. Still needed to let go of the feeling that I am frozen inside. Not really sure where it comes from or why it persists, that's why I want to talk to someone about it. I guess it's good that I notice these thigns but I still become utterly at a loss for words and all thoughts once I am in the company of uncomfortable beings. I really don't like that this happens and am trying, with all of my energy, to escape it. Even going as far as to devote an entire composition book to it or even part (or whole) of my walls. blah blah blah blah I need to study econ and I will just ramble all day long.

slowlybutsurely

slowly but surely

the thing with life is that you can't just sit around and wait for the right moment to happen, or the right you to form. life is this huge blank canvas and you are the painter to your picture. you can include any subject any object use many medium do anything. it's yours and your alone and nobody else will ever be able to create it. life is a chance to test yourself and free yourself from every fear and just let yourself live. let yourself breath and flourish. life is about allowing yourself to grow and love and it isn't about chained hearts and brick walls. it feels suffocating behind these walls, doesn't it? nobody is going to come and save you. me. whoever. if you close the door on a person from the begining, that gives them no reason or emotional influence to want to keep staying in that position. life is about laughing and being light. LIFE IS MEANT TO BE FUN. you are meant to open up to people and show them who you are and learn from them so that those people can learn from you. life is meant to be a collaboration of ideas and thoughts that swirl together into a colorful, well designed portrait.

positivity station, positivity process

be proud of the person you are.

carry good morals, and a high head.

be wary of who you give your heart to, but make sure it's kind to everyone.

embrace yourself and embrace others.

DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SHOW YOURSELF TO OTHERS.

there is only one you in the history of the entire world.

let it out let it out let it out

release yourself let go let everything fade

positivity is where your mind needs to be

white white white no blackness. only small amounts of darkness

silver lining, smiles, open arms

slowly but surely, as always.

I am one of the only people I know that thinks sex is overrated.

now THAT is fucked up

ramble.

it's been a while and I was angry last time.

I just keep telling myself that slowly but surely it is all going to fall into place. At first I want to escape that thought, dismiss it, and tell myself that if i continue to think that the right time is in the future, and not in the present, i won't get anywhere. But truthfully, I don't think the time is right now. I am still in the process of figuring out who I am. and again, truthfully, I have absolutely NO idea who that is. Slowly, I am beginning to gather thoughts, goals, pictures, role models of things I want to do, qualities I want to possess, ways I want to dress and act. But this can't all happen over night. This is a process.

a process is PROGRESS.

It is, however, terribly frightening and scary to me to think about easy it is to escape reality and to live without living. I mean, fuck, I've done it for so long and I didn't even realize what I was doing! I kept doing it while thinking I had addressed the problem. Isn't that just fucking pathetic? I spent all this time just sitting way far down in a rabbit hole doing NOTHING with my time but staring blankly at the walls of my brain, waiting for answers that I knew, but didn't want to admit to myself, were not going to sprout in my small, dark, little brain garden. I mean seriously...wouldn't any normal person have realized that about, what, like, uh, YEARS ago? I don't understand why it's taken me so long to realize that I need to snap the fuck out of it. Actually, I think what did me in was a comment I received from someone.

He said to me, "You are a brain in a vat, Madi."

This was actually incredibly debilitating and I was even kind of mad that he had said that to me. That's not really a nice statement, let alone one I want to hear. But then I realized, or rather, starting thinking...all this time I have been living in my head and it really has been showing. Think about it. I have exterted such small amounts of external energy. I have not tried to show people I am. I have not tried to delve into something new to explore a talent. I have not gone out of my way to talk to people I know I would enjoy and vise versa. All this time I have been waiting around for others to supply the energy for me because I was too unsure of my own thoughts, actions, wants, goals, etc. But the reason I felt/feel t his way is because I have never gone out on a limb and done it myself. I have never really done anything soley just for or by myself. It was always been due to someone else's influence or well being or choice. I follow what others do, not lead the way for the people. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but i've been hiding behind all of these walls for so long that I was seriously blinded to what life is like without them. I stopped looking at these walls as walls and started to just view them as the person I was/am eternally meant to become. But, I mean, you see how wrong that is, right?
Do you realize how easy it was, and still is, for me to just lock myself into my mental cage and never let myself out? it's so fucked up. I literally had to remind myself one day that I am more than just a bundle of negative, spiraling thoughts whirling around and housed in a circular hair holding container. I had, and HAVE to remind myself that I am a brain and I am a body.

I am a brain and I am a body.

It's time for me to realize that this seriously needs to end. What is this doing for me? NOTHING. The problem is that it feels so good to just lock the cage and never come out. Despite the negative thoughts and feelings, it's so comfortable down here that I somehow, in a twisted, maybe in nihilistic way, enjoy being here. I find that to be one of the biggest flaws of a human. Although we strive so hard for happiness and everything we associate with it, it still is so easy to just become stagnant, familiar, and comfortable with unhappiness. It's just such a familiar place. You have no expectations down there, and if you do, they don't extend very far and are not hard to surpass. So it's hard to lose once you've already lost.

I am reminded of a quote.

"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? you are a child of god. your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. We are are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne

This is seriously so true. It does along with what I was saying. I'm not afraid of the darkness. I'm not afraid to just in the dark corners and never come out. I'm not afraid to spend my days just staring at a computer screen, writing the same useless bullshit over and over, all the while waiting for a phone call from someone I will never receive. I'm not afraid to walk in front of a crowd of people, and hopelessly wish one of them saw some mystery in my stature, or possibly my eyes, enough for them to want to talk to me after class or ask me to a late lunch. But I mean, that's not the way the world is and so there I go again, sitting alone, and aimlessly in a dark corner, sucking up all the oxygen I can get my hands on. I'm not afraid of the darkness of my mind because I have already been there and have lived there for several years. Me and the darkness, we are good friends but we aren't good for each other. it's like being married to a recovering alcoholic while you still enjoy to drink wine every night.

So, in turn for (from?) this realization, I now have to compensate for lost time. Luckily, I still have plenty left over but I feel as if I have been frozen for years and have just reemerged. I feel out of touch with the things I am good at, the things I want, the things I like and dislike and I am afraid that it resonates with everybody I meet. I don't think people want to be friends with someone who has no idea who they are where they are going. But, do most people think that in-depthly about their friends/people or they meet or it just me? this is such a complicated business. this could all be in my head. Others could view me as someone completely different than the person I view myself as which is absolutely absurd. I'm a pretty logical thinker, to do something like that is not like me at all.

All of this I am fully capable of doing, being, and completing but I still have to patient. While I am meeting new people, and successfully trying to fish my way through the people who I don't think will matter, I am still haunted by the lingering and ever so fucking prominent feeling of inadequacy. I still feel uninteresting and not smart and it is the direct reason, and correlation, to my stonewalled-ness. The problem is that without the walls to cover me, I feel completely exposed and naked. I feel as if I am a jar of butterflies and the lid was just been removed and all the butterflies flew out. Without my walls, without things to hide and protect me from the fear of rejection, from the openness of being, I actually have to express myself. (oh no!) [youseehowpatheticbutintricateandrealthisisright?]

the progression process

slowly but surely

slow slowly but oh so surely

surely surely

surely

idontwanttobehereanymoreidontwanttotryanymoreeverythingiscrumblingthestressistoomuchiwantoutofhereifeelinaqequateandlifelessidontknowwhatodoIWANTOUTOFHERE

and I just want to realize why I can never get what I want out of life but it seems that everyone else can.

I just keep heading closer to insanity...

slowly but surely we become who we are meant to be
slowly but surely all the dreams within us come to the surface
slowly but surely all the ideas and molds we want to fit into are the ones we en up filling.
slowly but surely it will all fall into place.
somehow, some way,
slowly but surely.

i hate my brain.


i was in such a good mood all day.
then i come home and start over thinking everything.
and now i can't stop.
i feel like i'm just wrong about everything.
i feel like i miss everything and it's so unintentional.
the good things people do i am not invited to.
the times i could be making friends at school i am working instead.
all of the memories people make i am not there for.
people don't call me. don't think about me.
i hope i don't regret this.
well. i'd only regret it if i allow myself to regret it.
but. i'm really afraid this is going to affect my friendships.
i really want to make friendships.
i don't know. i'm scared. i'm really really scared.
and i dont know how some people see me as outgoing but it's not true.
i am scared i am doing this all wrong. i want to esscape from my shell.
why does this always have to happen?

bottom line right now; I NEED MONEY.

money for smashing pumpkins
money for chevelle/filter/bush
money for clothes
money to fix my car
money to pay this legal bullshit
money for gas
money for everything else

i need a second job
have no time for a second job
need more money. how oh how how how howww

it's funny that once i changed the colors it seems unfitting and uncomfortable. right now they should be reversed. this place isn't white. no no no.
i feel so many emotions and i haven't gotten anything out on paper, or put anything into words, or stared at the blank page for a very, very long time. i'm still not sure if it's better to think or not to think. if you don't acknowledge the problem does it get better or worse? if you're constantly trying to change a problem does thinking about it often get you closer or farther? if you don't recognize the problem or even admit to yourself there is one...isn't there no problem at all?
i'm feeling terrible. horrible. low low low. once something goes wrong, everything goes wrong. immediately i think of the secret. once you think one negative thoughts, once you let the thoughts seep into other aspects, it takes over everything. what i don't understand is how i do things so unconciously. do other people always do things so carefully and with such intrinsic speculation? i don't think so. why is it always me, then, that seems like the idiot here? is there some sort of disconnect? i don't know.

when you walk into a room to automatically look for the best looking person? (opposite sex)
when you see that person do you assess what theyd be like, even though you don't know them what so ever, as a significant other?
do you then look for someone of the same sex you feel you could relate to most?
how are you supposed to do that when you don't know a thing about these people? not even their name.
it's hard for me to concentrate in class because i think about all the other people in the class.
it's as if they are watching me. but not really in a bad way. i wonder if the guy sitting 3 rows across and 2 seats down from me has seen my shirt, or my necklace, and what he thinks about me.
funny, isn't it? guy. never girl. that really says something i think. or maybe it's the lack of experience.
do you just go up to someone and introduce yourself?
once you say your name what are you then supposed to talk about?
the problem with me is that i lack inner confidence, inner trust, and inner security which is then externally translated into quietness, walls, and sometimes abrupt anger. but the reason i lack all of these things is because i do not have the correct external environment i long for. (i cant even believe i am saying this. i'm pathetic, really. it's been years and contentment only lasts for a short while). again, though, the reason i lack my external environment is because i lack my internal environment. overall it's really as if i lack everything apparently. i don't care if this self-loathing, depressing, sad, etc. it is what it is. i feel how i feel.
i feel bad that i have been talking about change for so long, change slightly, but never completely, and then complain. perhaps i don't want to change enough. maybe i haven't really ever dabbled with the thought of complete and total change. maybe i don't know what it takes to do that. as sad as it is, i haven't really seen any of the people around me change to the ways they want to change to either. it's like everybody talks but nothing walks. don't talk the talk if you can't walk the walk. and the thing is i'm the prime exampple. i stopped having judgments towards everyone. (well, minus a rare few). if there's anyone that should be judged it's me. and if theres anyone that doesn't deserve to judge others, it's me. who am i to say anything? i am full of mistakes, guilt, and anger. i have not (and never) accomplished anything i have told myself i would.
what kind of life is that?
why, though, is it so easy to just fade away and not pay attention and just become invisible?
i really hate that it takes so much effort to become the opposite.
waking up to the reality of the world is extremely shell shocking. i am a turtle who wants to hide and run slowly, but i can't do that because everybody else is a lion.
life just seems too difficult. the ideas in my head aren't original. i don't know anything about anything. if i talk and make it seem like i know something, i don't. i don't know anything. i don't even know about myself, the one thing i have focused my attention towards constantly for years.
i feel like i have completely failed.
there's too much going on. i don't like living in 2011. everything is already accomplished. i feel as if i was born undearneath the weight of the world and i will never be able to come out. i don't feel like i'm destined to become sometihng great. i don't feel like i will have some great invention or some great idea or some great knowledge. is that wrong? if i have this mindset will it be the cause of just that-failure? if i thought otherwise would my life and future turn out differently?

the real question is this; is pessimism a temperment or is it a malleable mindset? and if it's the latter, would you please advise me (IN GREAT DETAIL) on how to PERMANENTLY become the opposite?

i just want someone to cuddle and kiss who will make me feel better.

I can't wait until I can wrap arms, and touch cheeks with someone and kiss someone and wrap feet and touch ankles with someone. ah, i miss it.

I changed the colors for a reason.

as the sun goes down, and the sun goes up, i get closer each day to the person i want to be. there will always be holes, and things that need improvement, and things i want to change, but what would life be without those things? i'm not 100% where i want to be, but it's okay because i don't really feel like i'm supposed to be. i'm still on the edge between two different world, and have about 5 different paths i could go down. it's all part of the adventure, i just need to get rid of the pins and needles and start walking.

if they don't play Just a Phase at the Incubus i will be so sad. if they do, i will cry

this is me attempting to begin.

happiness.

hi hi hello hap hap happ hell come have some happ happ happy happinesss

it's not that i'm unhappy, it's just that it takes so much effort to not quietly fade into the background...

i'm not sure if it's my friends I hate or myself that I hate.

or. i mean. DISLIKE.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES FRIENDSHIP MEAN?


do friends let other friends become strangers? does this mean anything to you? do i mean anything of significance to anyone?

kjhfskdfhekh i want to go fucking insane
i always tell myself i'm not going to be the one to do it first but i always am. does it proove anything if i'm not the first one and then it fades away? or will it just be futile because it would still be my fucking fault anyways?


i'm really tired, ya know.
i'm back to the feeling of wanting to curl up into a ball and disappear from the world.
sometimes i just really want to know wtf is the point of it all. nothing seems to solifidy the way i want it.
is it me? is it you? is this what's meant to be?


if you're feeling like a stranger to me...does that mean i've become a stranger to you? how is this supposed to work?
i want rejuvenation, a bike, a hammock, bongos, and someone to kiss.

i am insanely self destructive. i am trapped in my own cob webs. i have created a cage for myself. i have drowned myself in my own made up misery.

why do i sit alone in the darkness? why do i learn towards sadness, depression, and anger? i don't understand. i swear on my life i really don't. something is preventing me from being happy. something is blocking the way. something is covering me, slowly suffocating me.I

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS THAT IS DOING THIS TO ME.

i feel like i am going to be forever stuck here. Even when happiness ensues for a short while, this feeling is still always sitting underneath it all.
i need to figure this out. i need to crack. break. spill. SOMETHING. i really don't know. my life is just the same thing over and over again. everyday i feel the same and when i try to change it never works.

WHAT ABOUT HAPPINESS?

will there ever be a time in my life where i feel 100%, truly and completely happy? CONTENTED? I don't know but I really hope so. I have completely lost what it's going to take to get there because i don't know where it is rooted anymore. Is this because of me? did i cause this? is this beause of my mother? my father? my step father? i need OUT OF HERE. i need white flags. i am surrounded by walls that feel like theyre suffocating my existence.
there is something wrong here.

for one, why do i always come back to this same fucking spot? why do i always push people away because i don't feel like i deserve their love? better yet, how come i can't ever believe that someone actually cares for me? and why can't i give them love back. what's wrong with me? where did i go? where did my life go? where did my want to learn and love and be loved an be open go? i feel like i've completely regressed. i was once a happy child. I always roamed around, made stories of everything i found. and I was smart. I interacted with people much older than me. There were people out there wanting me and almost needing me before i coluld even grasp that concept. but where has that person gone? i just don't understand how i got here. I'm a solid shell. I don't move inside. I am stiff and unchanged. I am neutral. I don't know where my being went. I feel stale and uninterested. I have no excitement inside of me. It's all forced. It's all just an act. I don't feel like i am meant to be happy. I don't feel like it's in my being. I wasn't made to be happy. I don't think i ever was and i'm not sure if i ever will be.

but that's my fault isn't it? if i believe that i am worth it and believe i should be loved wouldnt i have accepted it already? would i let people close to me? would i let people in at all? if i liked myself more would i have already been there?

i fucking hate this cycle. i dont know how to end it. i feel like i need to talk to someone. i feel like there is something deep inside me i am not addressing. i feel like i need help. i want to feel new, fresh, revitalized.

how do i do this? how do i obtain happiness? how do i get to a place where i'm self confident? how do i get to a place where i can accepts peoples interest and friendship? i'm pushing everyone because i can't accept their accordance. (platonic and those otherwise). i'm tired of this. but how do i stop it if i don't know what to do. i don know.

i'm lost. i feel fucking alone and lost and i don't know what to do
I WANT TO WAKE TO A WORLD OF SOLIDIFIED HOLES AND NO MORE SILENCE.


i need to get the fuck out of here. i'm growing physically uncomfortable. this needs to end. right fucking now.

every new summer i make it a mission to create a summer experience that was better than the previous one. i'm ready for it all, so that means you better be too because you're coming along with me :).

also feel free to suggest any new things

• white water rafting
• camp out for a weekend
• swim in a lake
• build a fort in a secluded area housed in the middle of the woods.
• read 1/3 of my book collection
• lots of shore trips
• Philadelphia Folk Fest 2011. oh fuck yes.
• six flags/dorney/hershey
• big mac museum
• minimal technology
• CONCERTS. alteast 2
• roadtrip/travel somewhere outside of state
• picnic at a park
• night time swimming. often
• new york
  
• southstreet
• go to a completely random party
• trip to white castle
• sight seeing in the city.
  
• rave
  

i have a lot to talk about but i don't have a good way of putting it into words.

6th grade

i wrote this in 6th grade and reread it today. it made me smile.


go inside...

go inside a soul.
you never know what you might find.
it's like destiny meeting fate.
it might be a whole bunch of mixed emotions.
of loneliness,
hollowness,
excitement,
sadness,
happiness,
contentment.
and everything in between.
perhaps you may discover the real you.
maybe if you take a chance and look into YOUR soul...
youll find something,
something you never know you could be.
something you never knew you would ever come across.

and, all the times i question what friendship is...my 6th grade self knew all along.

friendship

what is friendship?
friendship is when you tell someone everything.
it is when you know they won't tell.
it is late night talks.
daring thigns you MUST do.
it is always being there for someone.
it is when you now that they are listening.

when times get hard and you need them the most
they are there
when you c all them everyday to tell them every solitary thing about your day
no matter how random it is.
it is when you can finish one another's sentences.
it is a bond only two people share.
it is the most precious thing in life.

this is friendship...

it's funny looking back at the things you used to believe in.

i want to find the right words and it frustrated me that i can't.

if you wake up each day and tell yourself you're beautiful, and that today will be a good day, your chances of being happy increase drastically. i've been feeling so light, it's nice.

don't need anyone but myself and some friends to make me happy.

job job job $$$
summer timeee
open space
summer classes
concerts
graduation
sweet 16
life ceremonies/spring convention
shrooms
so many chances

i want kisssssys and cuddles and tangles legs. ughh
high levels of lonliness-
this is so lame.

i am equilibrium even if you don't see it.

chevelle fucking rocks.


Climb up your pedestal
To hang yourself from it

hhehehehe seeee ya.

"you're overrated, anyhow"

laughl laughing i'm silently laughing. laughing in my head, laughing through a text, laughing in your face. always trust your instincts. trust your guts. trust what you think you know but don't want to admit. if you feel something you feel it for a reason. trust your gut. trust it. please trust it.

chances. one, two, no more than two chances. decisions are made. always being swept aside for someone better. someone else. someone who makes them feel more whole. my heart it breaks it rips a little at a time. self worth seems diminished in small aspects. i don't want to feel it i don't want to think it but it does, it does.

somebody wake me. if i look for it it won't come. now it won't come. i should have listened. you are nothing but a joke. a joke of a boy but even more so a joke of a man. you're nothing close to a man. ive never seen anyone with such insincerity before. i didn't know people actually did that. didn't realize i was so far off from the tracks you were on. but it's okay, it's for the better. i'm laugh laughing silently aloud with friends laughing.

have fun, you little boy. have fun with her and whatever sick twisted future you wish to indulge yourself in. i want no part of it. i want white cotton sheets and thin air and real, true, genuine smiles. i want what you will never give me so goodbye goodbye see ya later goodbye

still becoming emotionally embedded. still vulnerable even when i consciously try to become otherwise. it's a useless feat, really. not really in a bad way, though. i like the idea. i like the concept. i like the thought. i like the company


but i'm not sure, not sure.

sometimes i feel stale. i sit and wait. sit and wait for answers that don't come. s sit and wait for answers that don't even have questions to begin with. answers that might not get me anywhere. sit and wait until i realize it's useless to sit. and it's useless to be waiting, when i could be doing creating making feeling thinking. somewhere, anywhere, everywhere. i get up and walk. the ground is tough beneath my feet. almost like trying to run in the hot sand on a florida beach. somewhere probably where you've planted a seed of your memory tree. on occasions the answers feel as if they are in arms reach. the world is lifted and the air is thin.

i remember when the air was thin and the air was blue. there are only a few moments in my life where i've felt that way. once it happens with a person, you know. you know.
so is it the potential that keeps me around? is it the longing? i don't need it; i know that. because you need yourself before you need anything else. again, waiting for something that might not even exist. wanting to reach a heightened state of being that I might never, ever, ever step forward to. i stand back. take a breath. two, three. my eyes are open. I'm not sure, not sure.

what do i long for? the memorization of a silhouette. the thin air. the reciprocated stare that holds my gaze. but not just that- it needs to hold truth. (close attention to detail. extreme close attention to detail. maybe too much.) a hug from behind. the breaking of walls. complete, utter, lack of walls. well, maybe plus 1. but definitely minus about 4. 1 wall is always good i think. i think.

this is confusing me. it could be different with everything. everyone. i could be expecting something in someone that doesn't exist in the form I know it to be, but exists in other forms I might be subconsciously blinding myself to. well. maybe i don't give myself enough credit. I know what i feel, i feel what i know. (right?)

love is comfort. i don't want to fight that notion. i believe that and i should believe that and i want to believe that. love is comfort. that isn't the extent of it, but it's the base of it. comfort and trust. love is comfort and trust. they are related, intertwined, connected at their roots. love is the ability to melt. it is the ability to freeze after you melt and before you melt and even while you melt. and love is the ability to crack. the container breaks, the liquids spill. love is unity. mutual accordance. accordance within division, though. or, independence i guess. individuality.

-idontreallyknowwhati'mtalkingaboutijustliketothinkido-

he just wanted to touch her. he wanted nothing more than to touch her. the sun was bright, it was a wednesday. the way it reflected off of her natural looking skin was remarkable. she's beautiful, he thought. she's so beautiful. i just want to touch her. he wants to sink. sink in the cotton with her, within her, on her, in her. he wants to trace her beauty marks and memorize her curves in the darkness. he takes her shopping. his heart it breaks. he can't give her what she needs what he knows she deserves. she's so beautiful he loves her. shes so beautiful he just wants to touch her. he wants to show her he loves her. god she's wonderful. he loves the dimples in her cheeks when she smiles. but he likes how the left dimple is much bigger and more noticeable than the right. he likes her eyes. theyre gentle and sincere, he feels whole when he stares in them. he see's himself in her. he likes the beauty mark on her neck and the one on her arm too and the one right on her side. he follows them. down her smooth skin. he loves her more than he knows how to love. she's quiet but knows when to show herself; especially with him. when he catches her at the right time sometimes she's in the mood for a pillow fight. he knows it's childish but he likes to see her smile anything to see her smile. at night they lie in bed with the tv on. the curtains allow a small amount of light to shine through. the perfect amount. the air is light, the colors blend. he touches her she touches him they embrace entwine combine show their love. he loves her he wants to hold her forever he wants to tell her everything he feels for her but doesn't know how. words can't say it actions don't close nothing does it justice he hopes she understands. anything to see her smile. god she's so beautiful, so beautiful. he loves her.

what am I learning?:

weed is good in moderation. too much weed clouds my head. not enough weed makes me crave waves. a perfect balance sends me into comfortable submersion while still being able to stand on the floor boards of reality.

personal motivation is one of the most important things. i mean, without it how would you get anywhere?

smile.I really don't do that enough and there's really no reason for it. smiling makes everything brighter.

focus on something other than yourself and your problems. putting energy into an external environment can reap higher rewards than one may think.

new music = new feelings = new mindsets = new experiences = higher feelings of fufillment from life.

you can give yourself everything you want. just because you want the comfort doesn't mean you have to stay. just because you want someone to wrap arms with doesn't mean you need to settle. if you want to feel whole, that doesn't mean you need to rely on somebody else to give it to you. in fact, you should NEVER rely on someone for that because nobody is going to be able to truly make you whole except for yourself. and you shouldn't except real, genuine, and true accordance until you accomplish that within yourself.

technology is just a shield, a destroyer, a pair of glasses one can't see out of. online interactions mean nothing. facebook chatting everyday for 3 years only creates minimal footing.

you need to give a little (or a lot) to get a little (or a lot). if you exert little to no amounts of energy you can't really expect to receive energy in return to absorb. it's the same way with a relationship/friendship. if you don't open up to other person, why should/would they do the same to you?

i should probably start taking more initiative in my life. i'm kind of just letting it pass without really, fully, adequately trying to change it.

one of the best ways to grow is to put yourself outside of your comfort zone as much as possible. when you're afraid or uncomfortable it's because you most likely feel vulnerable. being vulnerable might not be the best feeling in the world, but when you conquer that vulnerability and get to a position of comfort, you'll find that you've benefited so much more than you would have if you never pushed yourself there in the first place.

if you don't like something, change it. (nothing is permament) you have the complete and total power to change your mindset, feelings, clothes, friends, decisions, actions. you have the power to change your reality if you don't like it.

always face your demons. never run and hide. seclusion will give you no progression. resist the want to fade away and, in turn, head towards the sunlight.

trust yourself/your instincts. if you feel something strongly, there is always a good reason for it. do not try to bypass this feeling or deem is as wrong. trust this feeling. it will benefit you in the end.

love yourself. you are unique, special, and one of a kind. you are your own person. there is nobody else in the entire world, nor will there ever be, another you. embrace this person. feed this person good thoughts, healthy food, meaningful experiences, and loyal people. you only have one chance.

take initiative. be motivated. don't just sit there and watch your life pass you by. do not just sit there and smoke blunt after blunt, cigarette after cigarette while others create something of their life. join clubs. make new friends. try a sport. pay attention in school. take the SATs. aim for something higher than community college and a minimum wage job until you're 25. if you have infinite possibilities, why not try to be the best you can be?

be at ease with the way things are. nothing is ever as bad as it seems. everything is double sided. look to the positivity.

take a deep breathe. there is no reason to stress. nobody is rushing you. take your time. it's okay now, will be okay later, and was always okay in the past. you've got this.

if i'm the person standing on top of the floor boards, and you're the one still making their way up the stair case, i most likely will stop wanting you. but when it's the other way around it's always opposite. we always want the people who don't want us. and we always don't want the people that do.

i think i've given lopsided a new meaning for myself.

there's a lot i need to accept about my reality.

there's a lot i need to solidifiy and figure out.

what's frustrating is that i know my base pretty well, and i think i give/gave others the benefit of the doubt with how well they knew theirs, too. but i'm realizing that most people aren't really that in touch with themselves and it's hard for me to understand that because i've never been that way. when it comes to people there are only a couple things i don't understand about them. this is one of them. sort of. hmm.

not sure what i want or what i feel or what to do. not sure what will benefit me the most either. it's hard to see the future and since i don't know what i want....ah this is a cycle.

cycle cycle cycle repeat repeat

take it away away from here here

fade the colors blur the lines

close your eyes

and cut your blinds

fall off the earth

forget the sound

find a way

to somehow be round

turn the stones

on the bed of rocks

be careful where you sleep

this is a far warning, my friends

some day soon you might feel the bends.

meh off center off axis need to find my markings

footings colors sounds love SOMETHING

somebody trick me.

for once. please.

i'm tired of the same responses and stale faces

that empty, lonely, yearning feeling you get right after someone you cares for is no longer in the position you want them to be in.


need to find a substitute.
my want for weed right now is very high.
need to resist.
18 more days.

why do i keep thinking about this? it's not something that runs overly deep but it's something i guess i wanted more than i had realized. i'm not exactly sure how to feel. it did not seem very hard to just close the door, maybe i didn't give enough of a reason to stay. meh. why should it even matter? i'm just bored and dwelling. bored and grounded. bored and lonely. bored and bored and bored and sad. what about happiness? when will that come? will it come when i make it come? will it come with sunshine? a change of scenery that is rooted in a time that i will have to wait a long time for? is happiness false? are there some people who are never meant to be happy, in some sick sort or twisted way, to perhaps balance life? am i the equilibrium? does any of this even matter? does trying to uncover the ways of happiness and the keys to its doors even get me anymore? agh. i'm cooped up in this room. i have many books, a comfortable bed, a television, and a computer. i'm unmotivated but wanting. i want want want but need to do do do in order to get it. my mom won't even let me go down the fucking street to a girls house. i could walk there and there's nothing i can say to her. i make myself angry because it's my fault. and now i'm just repeating the same words over and over. i want to change things but how am i supposed to change things if i can't get the opportunities to actually do so because i'm not allowed out? catch my drift, here? it could be worse but i don't care, i feel shitty. i guess i'm not missing out on much though. i wouldn't be going to temple tonight anyways because, well, what good is it to me anymore? there are only a certain amount of people you can kiss within one enclosed area before you get a reputation and i think my time there is done. once my thirst goes away for the things i've punctured (or that have punctured me) only about a couple millimeters deep, i won't care anymore. and my friends are just drinking in some girls basement and probably hooking up and dancing. i mean, that's definitely fun, but it's nothing substantial. something i probably shouldn't be doing anyways i guess. jserve is sunday and i'm very nervous for it. i hope everything goes well but i'm not sure that it will. somuchselfdoubt. i guess it'll be fine though, ive felt this way before. sometimes i really suck at independence though. other people tell me that i don't give myself enough credit but they don't have any idea what theyre talking about. i need to get outtttt of here, god damnit. but now i'm just going to be stuck even longer. i keep running the same cycle in the back of my head and i need to stop but it's really how i feel. sometimes i can't just turn the other side over and act like it's okay. but i swear i felt okay yesterday. do you see the instability here? it's not something i feel i can control. being up only comes once in awhile. what does that even mean, then, though? i confuse myself. i want to cuddle with someone. maybe the problem is all of these I's. I I I I II I. what if i used we? or us? or them? or you? would it make me feel better to focus on other things? of course. do i focuse too much of my time on myself? maybe. but how else am i supposed to get there, huh? how else am i supposed to find balance within myself? why is life so complicated and why are there so many questions? maybe i need to write down the answers first to the questions i haven't even formulated. UGH. i need to finish my jserve project, term paper, caps paper, english presentation proposal. i have a lot of time to do so but i don't feel like it. i am lazy. this sucks. i guess it's better this way though. i can sit in my room and think about my actions and get shit done because nobody is on facebook because everyone is out and nobody is texting me because theyre drunk and don't want to hear my bullshit. i guess it's only a matter of weeks, though. eventually it should be okay.

eventually everything turns, right? if you sit on the side of a high way for too long eventually someone is going to stop and make sure you're alright, aren't they? all of those hundreds of cars...somebody has to do it. something would have to happen to change the situation.

or, i hope so, atleast.

i need friends who like to party that are clean and have money and enjoy food and occasional blunts/bowls and are well rounded, smart, and HONEST and level headed and CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN. oh did i say clean?


i'm hating everyoneeee lately.
everyone is so blinded, i feel. i don't really get it. not saying i'm not among the blind but it's like...wake up, please? i'd like to see you atleast try a little bit fucking harder.

perhaps i'm just wasting my time trying to get myself to a comfort level i wish to be at while you waste your time still half starry eyed over the girl who put her everything into you, and probably vise versa for all i know....

perhaps maybe i should just back away. i'm not stupid, you know.

perhaps maybe i'm just waiting in a line for something that will be sold out when i get to the front of it.

that feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you feel as if you are competing in a race that you've already lost before you even started.

i'm really hoping you didn't/aren't doing what my pessimism is telling me you are doing.
i really hope you aren't doing that.

i can't fucking do/take this anymore. i really can't.
i want to just retract. disappear. escape. become invisible.
this is too much for me. i'm eating myself alive. i'm freaking the fuck out.
how did i get here? how did i get myself into this fucking mess? it's all my fault. ALL MY GOD DAMN FUCKING FAULT.

bad grades
bad gpa
no accomplishments
shitty job
shitty hours
drinking
drunk driving
lying lying lying
vouching for my sister
this stupid fucking annoying sexter person
more lying
texts about sex
COLLEGE!?


what else could go wrong...? i swear if one more thing gets fucked up i dont even know what i'll do. i dont even know wtf to do now. i'm so lost and angry and frustrated. i want to just GIVE THE FUCK UP. this is fucking horrible. i dont know what it's going to take to restore the order in everything. i dont really understand how things got fucked up so badly. it wasn't just like i was being completely unfocused and letting everything pass me by....what the fuck. is this karma for something i've done? i'm not sure what i've done that's so bad that i neeeded to be put in this situation. ugh.

i guess complaining won't do a damn thing. complaining just makes me walk in circles. i need to have confidence in myself. i need to belief in myself and have faith that things will get better. i mean, of course they will get betterr...it isn't like things will be this way forever, but now i have to fucking wait it out. i don't want to wait it out. i want things to go back to normal. i want to finish this term paper and be done with high school. i want to start over. i want to start fresh. i want to live in a dorm with a nice girl and meet other nice people and i want to learn as much as i can at a suitable college for me. i want to get the fuck away from here. but apparently i'm not good enough for that. i'm not good enough to ever get what i really want. SELF PITY IS NOT GOING TO GET ME ANYMORE. I NEED TO BE STRONG.

i consume myself so much. i make it worse for myself. i walk towards the black holes instead of away from them. this is my fault and i need to suck it up and become a better person. i need to face the consequences and move on. i need to resist the urge to want to hide away and crawl into a ball and disappear. i need to really really resist the urge to build maroon bricks again. i need to resist so that i can later multiply.

resist and multiply.

please, i beg of you, don't do this to me again.

everything is spinning out of control down down down the elevator.
i'm at a loss.

catch up

many things i need to address. yay rants and filtration.

life lately has felt like a roller coaster. i'm so on and off with my feelings and solidification has felt very far away. but i think with due time, and especially by spring break, things will have placed themselves nicely in some sort of pattern.

i'm really hoping i get into temple so i can just get it off my shoulders. the ambiguity of my future right now is making me so uneasy. it's always in the back of my head. i wish i knew what i wanted or what i thought was 100% right for me but i'm not as well rounded as i thought. in some ways i feel like i'm disinitigrating into the pavement and i need to pull myself up. in some ways i'm more than ready to leave here and go to college but in a lot of other ways i don't feel like i am ready at all. these are weird times. i thought that i've felt lopsided before but i REALLY feel lopsided right now. with almost everything. i have no idea what im looking for as far as a group of friends goes, or a boyfriend/steady commitment, or what major to pick....agh.

hmm. this is seriously unstructured. i guess that's fitting though, lol.
i feel like college is going to be so wild. the experiences i am having so far, without even being in college, are pretty crazy. like drunken friends in hot tubs and boys with boxers and awkward horny kids and sex to dubstep behind maroons curtains and dance parties and strobe lights and way too much dancing and watching as the people around you consume each others energies and suck each others faces off. hahaha.

i feel, sometimes, like i am an innocent bystander to the story that would be my life.
all of my friend groups (or, most) are merging together. and everybody is hooking up with everybody. it's hillarious.

i can feel myself becoming emotionally invested now. hmm. odd. i'm seriously not used to this and very desensitized still but i don't have anything bad to say about it really. well, there have been some dumb lapses in judgment but i have those too with other aspects of life so there's no reason to stay angry. and besides, surface diving gets really boring after awhile, anyways. i think this is the part where the butterflies start to come. or, around where.

progression is interesting to witness, watch, and feel.

prom prom prom prom promanade. i'm really excited but realllllly nervous for prom. i can't wait to find my dress. agh. it's weird how serious this is for me. i guess because ive never been to a prom before and i'm going to be in a gown and it's something i'll always remember. if things happen in the way i think they will, this should be a really perfect night. a really elegant night. a really special night. yeah, special a good word. we shall see, i suppose.

ive been marijuana free for a week now. feels great. i feel more aware of things and definitely a lot healthier. and, i have crazy ass dreams. well, i always have crazy dreams but for awhile i hadn't really remembered them. yeah.

i also need to lay low for awhile. stop going to parties and shit. i need to regain some kind of cohesiveness with my parents again. i just keep spiraling spiraling spiraling downward and i know theyre on their last nerve with me. i said i was trying but perhaps i'm really not trying hard enough. i shouldn't be harboring such a "coulda woulda shoulda" mindset, either. i shouldn't be so afraid of missed opportunities because the ones i'm experiencing are making me walk two steps backward, i think.

well, some..not all of course.

i realized that i consume so much energy but i never give energy. i need to be more open if i want things to fall into place. i need to give a little to get a little. give a lot to get a lot. i am in complete control of my reality now. this is my life. this is my body. this is my time. i need to get up and get goingggggggg. no more excuses. no more time wasted.

i can't wait until this term paper is over so school can be doneee. im excited for the open space. that way i can fully focus on things that i want to improve on, learn, do, and create. order needs to be restored before then, but i think it could happen some how some way.

taking summer classes at psu abington i think. good and bad but i guess it's mostly good even though i'm not too excited for it. but like i saiddddd, order needs to be restored.

i think i just need a fresh start. everything is so washed up and stale now. i need a new school to start fresh at. a clean slate. new people to meet, a new gpa to raise, new opportunities to seize. but it's coming soon soon very sooon so it's alright.

i really want a monroe and i keep thinking about it but my mom would kill me. meh. lame. eventually i'll get one. eventually my life will be so different and same with the person i am. it's so weird to think about that though. i am only 18. i wonder what i'll be like in another 18 years.

well, tomorrow will be a very interesting day. it's my bed time now, i'm beat.

modest mouse shall sing me to sweeeeep.

i think the funny part is that if i really wanted to disappear, i could.

i talk and never say a damn word.
fuck.

when i said "love is not all comfort" i was wrong.





love is ALL comfort.

iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall.
i am a castle wall.
I AM A CASTLE WALL.


why am i so desensitized to this?
i'm not quite sure i understand.
maybe i'm too much of a complex thinker.
maybe this could just be a simple thing.
to get up and walk away would be too easy.
is what i really need to stay here? is this the beast that i have been avoiding?
is this the be all end all of this era? should i continue? how am i supposed to know?
where do i go from here? do i need to go anywhere at all?
my problem is that you make me melt.
and i don't want to be frozen anymore.
but does that answer the question? is that the final answer?
what is the real difference between a yes and a no?
too many questions. not enough answers. i need others to see my eyes.
i'm not ready for these chains. i'm not ready for cemented feet.
is there some middle ground that can be achieved here?
i suppose equilibrium cannot be that hard to find
then again....
i've closed my blinds one too many times.
others open their windows when i close my blinds.
i do not make any sense.

i feel angry.
i don't like immaturity. i don't like lack of human decency. i don't like ambiguity. i don't like feeling hardened. i don't like these walls. i don't like the way i freeze. is this really who i am or is this just the rawness?

self destruction or internal human progression?

sometimes i feel like i'm the only one who has this problem...

things always linger, though.
like picture frames in front of drooping eye lids.
my life is nothing but a fucking carousel.
i switch spots sometimes. switch horses. switch animals.
i experience new comfort zones, but pass the same atmosphere after every rotation.
some periods are shorter or faster. longer or slower. some are almost invisible.
existential carousel.

my progression is masked by cocoons.
one day, i'll be a beautiful purple butterfly
but is that the problem? is the problem that i'm waiting for something greater and not forcing it to happen now? i think i'm really only doing this to myself.
well. of course i am. nobody else has the control. the power. but if nobody else has the power than why do i so often feel powerless?
ugh. lopsided. confused. unfiltered.
i need release.
the sun is out and i need a fucking release.
someone needs to wake me up. something needs to shake me up.
i need to feel something deep. startling. captivating.
this river isn't running deep enough yet.
yet?
that implies longer periods of fake time in the near future.
hmm.

it lingers. i linger. i wait. i stare. i stay quite.
nothing translates. gray is everywhere. walls are everywhere. walls are becoming me. walls are consuming me. walls ive never seen before. roots are growing. roots are being uncovered. hall ways full of darkened light. a self portrait stained in red.

i retract. i retract an extreme amount.
i turn inward. i begin to crawl in my skin.
I FUCKING SETTLE.
i am frustrated
i am lost
lostlostoashdkasydguiqeyt
what am i looking for?
WHY AM I ALWAYS FUCKING SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING
WHY!?

maybe duality isn't what i'm looking for.
maybe i'm looking to be healed
by someone else
who really can't help me.
nobody can help me unless i can help myself
first.
but what do i need to be healed from? is acceptance not enough?
is acceptance the beginning or the end? does it denote the end result? do the ends REALLY justify the means?

life moves in cycles, waves, and phases. happiness is never a constant. contentment has never seemed to exist. perhaps i deem it impossible, somehow? perhaps i cause this whole thing to begin with.
i do things that are so fucking obvious.
the funny thing is that you want to read me like a book
without knowing that you already do.
my roots don't run deep at all. i don't extend to places i probably should.
repetition of common themes.
feelings
emotions
people
situations.

when will life change?
if i am release from my external cage will i feel a release of the internal?
will i stutter or will i stride? or will i stutter while i stride?

i need to solidify myself.
there's too much redundancy here. i don't retain anything. i dont feel anything. i am disassociated. i am desensitized. i am washed up.
i i i i i i i i.
we? no. no. no.
i can't do that. i can't do that right now.
who am i? what color am i? which way do my legs really want to walk? which way does my mouth really want to move when i talk? my eyes don't really tell you how i feel. my neutral face is neutral for a reason. i am numb.
i can't do this. i need to escape this. i'm not ready for this.

things contradict themselves too much. i need some form of clarity and i'm not sure how i'm supposed to find it. does an over abundance of experience cause human expansion? or is it just in the mindset?
i suppose i am going into all of this blind.
i am extremely vulnerable
but at the same time
so incredibly walled.

perhaps sobriety is the best form of power.
maybe that's just what i really need.
or maybe just some fucking simplicity.
if i try not to think about things i feel lost within myself.
i feel distant from the person i am deep inside.
if i continue to think in the patterns i do i self destruct.
walls and emotions and statures and lingering affects
they all just build and build and build and build.
do i strive off chaos just as much as you do?
am i really just walking in your foot steps?
no. i can't bare that thought.

goals are needed
external life is needed
i need to escape this internal cage
cages evvvvvverywhere.


rat rat rat a tat rat rat in a cage cage.

what's cool though is being able to put myself outside of myself. i am able to almost take a mental picture of the person i am running away from. and in my head there's a kind of cookie cutter mold that i've created. that's all physical though, i suppose. but i guess once the right mindset takes hold the right physical features do too. well, hopefully. what really could happen is that i hopelessly end up searching for something that i've created in my own head but that doesn't really exist in real life.

why is it that i'm always having to tell everyone everything? not things about my life really, but things to tell or show them that i really am putting my all into this? is it because people don't show me that they outwardly get it or is just that i'm afraid they never will because i'll never believe or show it? i'm confused. i guess i just wish people would come hang around for awhile. it's always back to this same feeling. once i'm wrapped in the blanket of you, i want you. but once you're gone it's no longer there. i guess i'm just thirsty. why is it so easy to blind yourself? why is it that we are able to do things to ourselves consciously without ever wanting to? that's extremely counter-productive. wouldn't it be so much easier if we were never inclined to act on those thoughts? doesn't that slow the progression?