i need someone new to rid me of the remains of you.

i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort i want the comfort

the problem is that there's a layer of pessimism behind the eyes. and it needs to be able to float in air for it to go away. it has to ring through the halls and fill the streets. somehow. it needs to come out.

like tyrants assembled with tears
trembling like a tomg
and singing like a statue
i am as empty as an ocean

my blind eyes scream in silence
so this eternal echo will be known
given to the foils of time
and shattered like plate glass

you freeze within the fire
darkness now lives at daylight
and shadows turn to ghosts
all that shining, now hollow

it's eyes
watch me
and taunt me
unwilling to let me go

eyes are
hidden
in the shadows of the world

I QUIT EVERYTHING BEFORE I EVEN START.

i want you to talk and talk and talk until you can't talk no more



and me as well, somehow

the difference between a closed door and a slightly opened one.

sleepy sleepy
when will they lay their hands down and sink?
when will the oceans stop splitting?
or
why does the consistency of the
temperature of the sunrise always
change?
the sound of voices is only temporary.
channeling pallets, right to left right to left.
all around voices sing sing sing
along the threads.
because for some messed up reason it's okay
here
but you don't really know for sure.
free fall
sometimes accelerated, sometimes slowing to a complete
stop
(STOPSTOP)
ending so close to the destination.
feed me.
open me.
escape me.
erase me.
new inventions for sunlight appear.
everywhere.
everything smelling of fresh paint.
the paint on the lines in the road to cover
the dust.
the world
it fades until it is unseen
unreachable
unmanageable
off the chart.
steady steady repeat
over and over
moving fast
it doesn't escape
it doesn't die
sitting there like stone, gripping you closer
and closer
and closer
each. and. every. single. time.
break my head
break my stride
break my shell
disappear and
escape.
escape.
escape.

coldness of the weather
beauty of the leaves changing color
memories
with due time
empty empty empty spaces
_______________________
highlevelsof
loneliness

time collapses in multiple ways
on the inside.
turning itself inside out and then
round and round and round it goes.
repeating the motion until the motion is lost
lying dormant on the floors
of empty spaces that are
never seen.

He leaves.
i leave.
me. (ME)
for just a short while

but the rain is paralyzing.
glass houses never hide the sight of rain
and so it pours.

others close their windows
but i close my curtains
one fell swoop and
i am consumed.

everything is quiet.
footsteps walk in opposite directions
and He plays music for those who
play with all the loneliness
that nobody notices

it goes round and round and round
repeating the motion until the motion is lost

it's creeping back in.

look at me.
LOOKATME
retreating from everything
no more sunday hebrew
no more bbyo
no more chapter board
no more nothing
no more caring
no more motivation

justwannahideawayinaballandneverreturntothesurfaceoftheearth.

sselysyneebsahsyawladnasitnemtnetnoc

i find myself wanting to revert back to the ways of the old world with the same traditions and standards that were set. but once i step backwards even 1/2 inch i realize it's just a facade and i'd be tricking myself

i realized that i haven't seen nearly as much as i know i can/would like to. it's finally time i do things and go places. the only person holding me back is myself. no need to keep analyzing everything. everything is going to flow in the way it does regardless. so i'm just going to try and let it be and enjoy it while it's here. not everything is a black hole that will suck you in. in fact, most things aren't. and most people wish the same things as myself, it's just a matter of circumstance and time which may or may not work out.

things are simple in a certain sense.
it really doesn't need to be hard

i want to start this blog over. make a new one. this one is filled with dark memories from the black hole i was in for years. and i have about a foot left (literally) until i make my way out. i am so close.



i am no longer who i am

maybe all that needs to said anymore is hello, my name is madi. i am struggling with depression and no matter what i think or where i go, i always end up back where i don't want to be.

stay. stay. please, i'm begging you, for once just stay.