how
am
I
happy
but
yet
still
lacking
in
some
way
that
I can't
even
determine?!

most of the time I don't have a lot to say.

I never really have a lot to say.

But other times I have a little bit of something to say, as if I actually know what I am talking about.

As much as I will tell you, and act, and feel like I am a solid rock which cannot be broken,
I don't think I will ever give up on:
wanting a valentine on valentines day.
wanting to float in outerspace with you
wanting to float in the ocean for a couple of hours with you
wanting to feel like it is okay to finally spill my water all over the floor
everywhere
all over the sheets, my clothes, your clothes, everybody's clothes
let it spill and collect
up the walls
and over my shoulders
and through my nose
and in my eye lids
and in my head
let it drown me
let me swim
let me become a fish
let me drink my water
pee it out
drain the blockage
break the blockage
break the barrior
break.

I will never give up on wanting you to be no longer be meaningless, faceless, and bottomless.
Yet I am the least bit lonely, longing, or sad.
I'm not sure this makes sense.

Most times I have nothing to say
and then there are other times that I think I have so much to say that the black words compile on top of one another and give me too much writers block to be able to think properly
I have so much to say to my long lost friend! (blog)
I have so much to account for and be excited for and do and want.
I am 20 and I am unrefined but that is the point of it all.
I am 20 and I am unrefined and that is okay because that is the point of it all.
I am 20 and I am unrefined but I think I am sorta happy because I am 20 and I am not supposed to be anywhere except half up and half down and half off and half on and one day I won't be 20 and I won't be unrefined but I will still be okay. Maybe a little more clever.

I am different than who I used to be.
People think I am social. The person inside my head does not feel very social.
It is funny that the person I think I am is the opposite of what others think of me.
But the real question is, are they wrong or am I wrong?

I am 20 and I am unrefined, undefined

stream

i'm not perfect but it too me a long time to be able to realize that I am my own worst enemy and that I HAVE and NEED to remain in full control of my body, thoughts, mind, and actions at all times. I stopped smoking weed because weed makes me stiff, awkward, self conscious  and then I become a brick wall again like all those other times and I don't get anywhere at all. I camaflouge myself into the maroon red behind my back. The wall I have turned away from. I lose my thoughts inside my head and the negative swirl begins, taking me with it. Keeping me swirling swirling into a black whole of empty nothingness. There is no fun there.

I wanted to believe that I could remain the same, do the same things, but just somehow feel different.  But I cannot. Life is about growth, change, discomfort.  I wanted to believe that somehow a switch would be turned on and I would and could just change without ever having to do anything. But I was wrong in the conviction because that is a bunch of naive thinking. Instead, I realized that I have no room to think. I have no right or correct sense to overthink myself into a holes as deep as the ocean. By doing that I take myself out of situations, float around in the hot air above the room, and watch as my insecurities lick my skin and devour me. It is a selfish way to be. To not deliver like that. To stone wall myself and become guarded, like I have too much treasure and you have too much space. But it doesn't really work like that, now does it? We could both be oceans colliding together. Or a fish in my vast ocean. Or I am a fish in your ocean. It is all interconnected, but not when one is stonewalled.

I am not perfect but life is a learning process and I have come pretty far. I still have walls up though. I am still not self solidified but once I get there is when things go boom, in the good way. I still indulge quickly, and then back out as quickly as I came, before I or he could even catch either one of our breaths. It is not supposed to work like that. Because when his eyes light up like he's found the girl he's looking for, why the hell can't you just be that girl for atleast a couple minutes, huh? It still is hard for me to let someone love me. I'm used to it now, ya know, so used to being alone without feelings. But sometimes, at really rare times, I can feel what it'd be like to have those walls crack a little, have those birds fly out a little, sing a little. It would probably take a lot to get there but maybe one day it will happen.

I do not wear my hear on my sleeve, despite what sweater I might be wearing that day.

nothing transitions well but it's okay because it doesn't matter because it's okay it's okay it's okay
slowly but surely it all fades together.

I used to be so broken but that is no more.
Life is a journey and nobody should ever be the enemy.
Life is a fun, happy, exciting adventure and everybody should be your friend.
Because you can learn from everybody and just like me, or you, or us, we all are capable of being vulnerable, sad, broken, alone.
We are all of those things.
But we are so many other things too.

and I keep saying it like I've never ever said it before.

Everything is double sided, you just have to look.