this is not the only side of me
this is not the only side of life
this is not all there is to see
this is not all there is to be
this is not going to consume me
this is not going to take over
this is not going to break me
this is not going to stay
this is what you allow yourself to be
this is time for me to proove my wins
this is time for me to gain my ground
this is time for me escape
this is time for me relate
this is time for me leave everything
this is time for me to gain
this is time to learn what happiness is
this is time to leave the darkness

need release
need release
need release


finally starting to how lame the human population actually is. i actually gave people the benefit of the doubt and thought that it was just others. but even the nicest of people get shitted on. how come it seems so hard for everybody to mean what they fucking say? all ya gotta do is think about it. if you don't mean it, don't fucking say it. it's really an easy thing. i can't believe how dumb and blind people are. it's such a sad thing. i thought we lived in a better world than this

it honest makes me feel so, so shitty that i feel like i have nobody that fully holds the positions i want them to hold. the one person i consider my best friend doesn't even know what it means to be a best friend and just let's go of everybody once theyre out of their line of vision. it leaves me feeling empty. i don't want to be without you.

when is it gonna be my turn?

what if the place i am trying to get to really doesn't exist?

truth is.

Something that is Anything meaning Everything in a world of Nothing.

(UTTERNONSENSE) I am invisible. I am a grain of pink sand among a million other pieces of tan sand. Unseen in the sunlight and completely hidden in the night. Unnoticeable to those above, and to all others a mere a brief sight that is seen and gone and then forgotten in an instant. Brief colors that pass your eyelids and blend in with the foundation under ones toes. Nobody is out there searching for me. Nobody misses me when I am not there. I don't cause holes to be made. I don't fill the void. I don't come close to anything. I am weak. Nobody understands me. Nobody ever will understand me. I am alone. We are all alone. But I am alone. Alone in my thoughts. alone in the wrath of this. Alone in the darkness. Alone in the sunlight. It never goes away. False optimism is not enough. Diving with your eyes closed is too risky. Nothing is worth it but everything is hanging. I am brewing. Boiling. Fizzling. My water is escaping. The plant growing from the depths of my being is over growing itself. It’s becoming bigger than I and bigger then I know how to deal with. I don't belong anywhere. I never feel like people want me to stick around. I am weak. I don't do this right. I don't do anything right. I walk and never get anywhere. There are words in my head but they don't translate to my enamel. Nothing translates and then everything is grey again.

What once was a small, hopeful, dreamy girl, has disappeared into the darkness. Everything is a struggle. Everything takes too much energy. Nothing is enjoyable because there are no comfort holes anywhere. They’re all gone. Every single fucking comfort zone is gone. I don't know how to get back to my normal shape. I don't know if I have a normal shape. I am in desperate need. Optimism takes over my psyche when I choose to become blind. But it never stays because I am always brought back here. I am always transported down the elevator into this hollow place. At the bottom of this, there are things that have been packaged and stored away. For lifetimes. For a decade. They are like little monsters that release their venom in small amounts. Small enough so you can't feel it but strong enough to feel the effects. A whole world of hurt and pain and the buying of the notions that nobody ever chose to try and reverse. If this happens to every person, then what's the point of it all? If we all grow up to believe in notions that aren't true and we need to overcome them, where's the beauty in that? I don't see any beauty. I see pure human error. Error in the way we were created. It’s a pretty bad error, though, considering what it does to a person. Think about it. It brought me here.

It brought me here to you.

To your unwavering trust and your constant rejection of the way life really is. This is your fault. It’s you who brought me here. It’s you who showed me this place. It’s you who I became. I crawl in my skin. I ache to get away from you. I scream forever inside. I can't forgive you. I can't get rid of the pictures. I can't overcome this. Your many faces. I clung to one of them. I clung so immensely to it. And so easily, too. So naively. Not understanding what this life was. What this place was. Where you were as opposed to where you wanted to be. And it has never left me. Everything has just covered up what is there. But there is nothing left to cover it up. There’s nothing to mask it. I felt your sorrow. I felt your loss. I felt your pain. I didn't just observe it. I became you. I watched from far away and I observed from closer up. I felt it in the marrow of my bones. The blackness seeping so far down. And I didn't realize I was doing it. I was a sponge and you were my water. I had bought the notion that this was what happiness looks like. I had bought the notion that nobody was good enough to love. That you weren't good enough. and neither was I. I had bought that notion that everybody that is called your father is supposed to stand from far away and watch as you disintegrate into the pavement.
Constantly fearful of who you allow to see your eyes. Constantly fearful of time because it was never on the right side. And it still hasn't become that way. One after another. They came and went as if they were just visitors. People who didn't know their way around and were asking for directions. But while asking for directions, they thought you would be a good tour guide. And for reasons I don't think I’ll find out for a long while, they left. And again, I bought the notion that nobody was good enough to love. Because you weren't. Which meant that we weren't. Which meant that I wasn’t. Because I was you. And I had felt the sorrow in the marrow of my bones. And the darkness seeped into the places it hadn't yet reached. And I became buried. Consumed. And as it was happening, I had no idea. Because I had bought the notion that this was the way life was supposed to be. I had bought the notion that this is what happiness is. I had bought the notion that was nothing else to life except for this constant cycle of come and go. Nothing different, and everybody else. Constant reattachment of limbs. Constant pulling of muscles. The constant voluntary (and extremely naively) (because after all, I was just a sponge)) openness of the gates to the keeper of it all.

At first it was different. At first I was on your side. At first I was 100% you. Because I knew nothing else. Nobody told me different. Nobody had told me it was a no instead of a yes. Nobody told me that people would leave. Nobody told me that everybody I would come to trust would leave me. So I bought the notion that this cycle was going to go on for the rest of my life. I bought the notion that I could not escape it. And it was so uncomfortable. My mind was telling me no. no no no. no. And as I began to buy more and more of this notion, I began to buy less and less of you. I questioned your motives. I questioned your state of mind. The even, bolded, thick lines of trust and comfort that had formed when I became you for those few years were leaving me. I was leaving you. And because I was leaving you and everybody else that you would involve yourself with, I was alone. I came to a wall. A really thick wall with millions of bricks. None of them were cracking. The cement in between the bricks was so evenly and neatly placed. It’s meant to be there, I thought. I grew comfortable with the wall. Really comfortable with it. And because I was leaving you and I was leaving everybody else, I was leaving myself. I was leaving the person that was affected by the causes and covering it up with a huge wall of bricks. And the good thing, at the time, was that I had no way of getting passed the bricks. So for years and years and years I forgot about trying to get passed it. I always knew it was there. It never left. It was always a factor of everything I did. But I never tried to escape it. I never tried to open the door again. And so I pushed. More. I grew distant and cold. And nobody tired hard enough to unlock me. I grew away from you. And because I was growing away from the only person I had ever fully allowed myself to be, I grew away from everybody else. And everybody was just a distant and dusty figurine standing lonely on the shelves of my life. And nobody ever came in to clean them off. Nobody tired hard enough. Nobody understood that I did not know any better than to just absorb all of the water I could find. Because it was water, and I was thirsty. And I was thirsty because I was hungry. Hungry to feel whole again. Hungry to find a way out of here. Hungry for somebody else that had new lines and shapes.

Somebody I didn't know.
Somebody that wasn't rotting inside of my bone marrow.
Somebody that was nothing like the person you were.

I was gone. And oh, you were gone too. I was dissociated from everything I had ever thought I knew. From the dinners in pairs of 3. From the days at the park. From the picnics. I was gone. I wasn't in the world anymore. I fell off of it. And nobody had the right touch to bring me back. I had shut off. I had become another stone wall. Everything would bounce off of me. Nothing would absorb into my skin cells. I was stuck in the darkness.

I am stuck in the darkness.

I question your motives. I question your well being. I question everything I have ever known about you. I am no longer you. I never again will be you. I never again will buy the notion that the way you have lived your life is the way that life is supposed to be lived. I will never again buy the notion that your mother is the person you should look up to, respect, and trust. I never even did that. I was just a sponge. And everybody else was like dishes. But the thing is, it's like everybody knew. All those people. All the life styles. All of the eyes and the smiles. It’s like they knew what they were doing and what they were doing to me. They helped me get to this place. They saw the darkness in me that not even my own mother saw. And they felt sorry. I know they did. Comfort with everything was thrown out the window. It floated in the wind, and is now sitting on a cloud somewhere far, far away from here. Somewhere I would like to be because it is better than this. There is too much darkness here. There are no lights on in the reverse anymore. There never were lights on. And I don't know you. And you don't know me. And you don't care to know me. You don't care about anything. You don't understand me or yourself or anyone else. And you deserve to be shunned for it. I will not feel sympathy. Sympathy is what brought me here. Because I was you and I felt your sorrow. You will never change and I will never forgive you. You ruined me completely. But you allowed me to see actual life.

But I need to leave your wrath. I need to leave your lopsided views and your constant hypocrisy. I need to let go of this. I need to let go of the you I know you to be and the you I want you to be. I need to look at you from an outside view. Need to be on my own. Unable to have you as a support system. Comfort was never formed and you never tried hard enough because you don't know how to form comfort within yourself, either. I hate you. I hate what you allowed to happen to my young psyche. But you did the best you could with the knowledge you knew. But I will never forgive you. I will never be able to forget the nights where I felt the sorrow seep into my bones. I will never forget the first time I realized that I was you. Plain and simple. I saw myself completely in you. And that's when I was no longer human. I lost sight of who I wanted to be and who I was supposed to be and who I really was. Nothing mattered as long as I wasn't you. Never. I can never get to that point. I never want to be in that position. Overexposure to things I was never supposed to see has haunted me. It’s like a monster that releases small amounts of venom into my being. Small enough to not feel it but strong enough to feel the effects. You are a monster who breeds other monsters. You have no sight. You have destroyed the person I used to be but that is no longer. I wish to retire. I wish to leave your wrath and face the many masks I used to think were just one face but learned to treat otherwise. I will overcome you. you are the floor leader to the floor in which i am escaping. this will be no longer.

roamin', roamin', roam.

love surrounding myself with beautiful people while sitting in beautiful weather. new faces are always approaching and memories are what make things feel like they are actually something. i am no longer small, i am large large large normal normal me. it feels so good. i know the steps now. jesus, it took me long enough. but i wouldn't take it back. i love that experiences i went through and the experiences i will still go through. everything is just swiftly floating by. in good ways. the things that are meant to stick will stick. and everything else, well, what's meant to be will happen. i'm not going to force things. time uncovers a lot of things.

lonely along the inner lining sometimes, but it's often subtle until the clock passes 10. but that's okay, it's basic human nature just screaming from it's cage.

time to get up and get going. college applications and SATs and senior year. people and faces and plans and memories and comfort and interest.
i want to get to know as many people as i can this year.

and the one thing i HATE that i did was spend so much time being afraid. it was so stupid of me. i was so blinded by absolutely everything. it's terrible. i hope nobody goes through that. it doesn't even benefit you in any way. normally you can grow from failure and from discomfort, but being blind by a huge black curtain that consumes you into an even larger black whole is just complete and utter tourture. i'm so glad i've made my way out of there.

DID
YOU
HEAR
THAT?

did you?
DID you?!

i made my way out.
i am out of thereeeeeeeeee.
i am free.
i am the wind.
i am the sun.
i am the grass.
oh my god, i am lightly flying.
ashdkah so amazing.

nobody wants the one that's actualyl willing to stay ;]

i'm pretty happy. but all i want is some friends who will smoke and listen to music i listen to, and talk about things over than what girls are hot and which boys are assholes. where did all the interesting people? and where did the all the appreciation go? does anyone even know what words mean anymore? or what it means to actually hold your word? where did the love go?

nothing you'd read on this page comes even close to the unbelievable lightness of being i have been experiencing. and, in the best way possible.

visions of being older when one is younger.
thirst for it all.
kind hearted
walls
people all over the place
interests
people and more people
missions
(arrow down)
a place between optimism and realism
id like to phone
home
it sucks me in
grips me by the waste
swallows me whole
sticky walls make it hard to escape
paper and bricks and unlaced shoes
backwards
back words
back space
simplicity
complexity
importance of being wanted
feeling, actually
people all over the place
change
change
changes
juggling all the
changes
optimism
confidence
who are we?
brain waves
identities
youmeithemuswe
need routine and
structure
in the form of lines
depression
darkness
cold water
thirst from
hunger
ideas
bubbles
colaboration
i am one i am the earth i am me and i am you
we are one
5 paragraphs
condensed
ah
headaches
achey achey
smiles
simple
lines
bold lines
molds
too many molds
too much molding
trying to get to a place that doesn't exist
screwed up
hit the bottom and escape
layers upon layers
synchronicity
everything
eyes
everyone
fizzling out
togetherness
fade inot the feeling
lonely at the top
meh
loss of words
loss of
white
blank
pages
you.

when you address the problem, there is nothing in the world that can't be fixed.

stream of conciousness ramble ramble ramble

i think, slowly, the foundation of everything i've ever know, believed, and trusted, is being stripped bared and disappearing from under my feet. everything is turning to liquid. or maybe it's already liquid. i feel like the place i am trying to get to doesn't exist. at one point i had believed in it so thoroughly but i'm giving up on it. in a way, giving up might be the answer. just setting myself free from this wrath of darkness. but the problem is that it doesn't always seem so bad. there's so much ironic comfort in darkness. there's light here. (i'm still here, right?) it blankets things. it exaggerates the curves that form and shows you where the lines are soft and hard. in ways, it's so warm here. i think i've realized that i try to fit into bolded lines too much. i try to constantly change myself and mold myself into someone that i can't possibly be. it just won't work that way. it can't work that way. and i think that by refusing to accept it, i grow frustrated. no progression happens when one is frustrated. it's just not even feasible. nothing transfers from side to side, nothing shines, nothing matters. i need to just let everything go. accept who i am. i am who i am and i do what i do. i can say it a million times but i havent accepted myself. i need to realize that i will never be a minimalistic thinker. i will always analyze the analysis of the analysis. it's just the way that i am. and i might not always be living in the darkness, or revert back to it, but it's always something that will balance out everything else. and maybe what i need is not to try and open myself more, but to just try and have more life experiences with people. that's where comfort forms. and comfort breeds absolutely everything you will find. even bad things. things aren't bad, time just feels like it's against me. it's like things are moving backwards, actually. like i said, everything is liquid. and in ways that's okay because i'm always thirst. but need for thirst comes from need for hunger. it's a constant cycle.

new.
meh. weed influences.
takes away the loneliness that is supposed to be healing, or can be healing if you make it healing. but it's so hard to turn hollowness into something solid. and once again, everything is liquid.

maybe this is all just a matter of looking at things in the complete wrong way. maybe, instead of trying to change things all the time, and trying to get to a place that might not event exist, i should just accept them for what they are. because they won't ever change.

i'm going insane

I AM ALWAYS RIGHTTTT, fuckin' dumbassss people in the world.

wake the fuckkk up

i wanna disappear forever.