fuck everything.

i can't even believe that i've come to such a fucking stone in the wall.
thats all there is right now. a wall. walls, millions. what the fuck.
it's the worst fucking feeling in the entire world when you give and you give and you try your hardest to push yourself and take so much time to try and do better and you push and push and what do you fucking get from it? NOTHING.


i hate this point. where everything just turns over again and you're falling backwards right where you knew you would but had hope you'd walk faster this time.
god fucking damnit. i need something different.
i really can't deal with this anymore. no.

i would give anything in the world to have that feeling back.
i'm scared. i saw green tractors (hard) plowing my purple grass (easily).
it was fucking weird.



i'm farther along then i thought i was.
that's a good thing, a good thing

asdkjflh

you piss me off so much that i really wish i was tall enough to punch you in the face.
wow.

it's weird how i needed so much sleep earlier. i dont even like going to sleep anymore. it's probably a bad thing because i have never been one to function on only a little shut eye, but i guess i make do.

or maybe i don't.
i feel really lonely this week.
i'm really not liking it at all.
i need to snap the fuck out of it

i hate

killing people's hope, even when they won't admit to it.

i've been freaking out. this feels like too much. it's not too much, though. it's the perfect amount of everything. this is exactly what i have been looking for and i feel no difference. a change of pace is coming. 6 months from now something is going to change. everything will be different. i feel it. i know it. i want to write a huge long thing, like angie did, about me. i was giong to before she even did, but i don't like writing about myself. im so in the mood to rant. but i won't because i care too much about what people think, right now. i still need to let everything free. i had a weird trip the other day. every room i was in felt like it was suspended in space, in a black sky. and then every emotion felt like that too. and each room was white and there was pink somewhere in there. i can't really place it too well. and in the only room i remember there was a window with a wooden rectangular table, a glass vase with no water or flowers, and a very colorful couch. i want to disect it. i feel ready.

two thousand and nine

has started off really well.
i think ive made the transition from one side of the surface, to the other.
everything kind of just turned over i think. different colors appear and new textures and faces and i'm so excited.