I don't know what i'm doing

I don't know how to love

I take people's hearts and break them in too.

My skin is thicker than your leather fucking jacket.

what happens when you meet someone who is so fundamentally similar to you but also so similar that you might clash but so similar that it kind of seems like this one person might be the person who will let you spill your water on the floor and let you just dissolve right there in the best of fucking ways but you are both introspective vampires and what about the energy oh my god I just don't know what's happening !!!!

funny that Tool is so introspective
when all that heavy buzz does is
behead me

I am sorry that I don't know how to be happy.
It hurts me as much as it hurts you.

I think my motivation to do shit everyday is the motivation to find motivation. It really is possible to be a spine but not a backbone.

A MILLION PEOPLE ALREADY DO NOT LOVE YOU AND NONE OF THAT MATTERS

I don't sleep at the right times
I second guess myself entirely too much
I want to be alpha but i am beta
I drink until i forget my head, which means too much.
Sometimes i have no idea what to say
I suck in energy instead of create it.
I am a vampire in that sense.
I think about how to change my energy or how to pretend to be extrovert.
Then i realize it's bullshit, why should i have to pretend to be anything?
Nobody tells you it's okay to live a small life
Nobody tells you when you're growing up that happiness is your own
They tell you that if you don't follow the rules of society than you won't be happy.
You go through 18 years learning this until you're going out into the vast atmosphere
No longer magnetic
And you realize the foundation you thought you had was based on selfish greedy motives.
So you lose the sense of what holds you together
But you're at a point in life that is begging for you to deliver some type of solidarity.
Life is asking you to form a solid shape,
And all you want to do is spill yiur liquid onto the ground.

This identity discord is hard to face but eventuakmy we realize how to become a person.
What it means to hold some kind of significance.
And we start filling in these holes
Slowly
With experiences, opinions, and feelings that we create and want.
We start to love who we are bc we are now a manifestation if what we think is beautiful, whole, and good.
We begin to cope with life
Learn from our experiences
Abs enable ourselves to love others
Bc in turn we learn to love & defune ourselves.
Life is a series of compiled events that are there for reasons that don't show up until later.
But life always gives us what we need in each moment .
The rest is in us to figure out what to do with it.

this time last year my blog post said:
"i am sick and twisted".
this time last year i thought i was asexual. (hahah!!!!)
this time last year i didn't feel close to even a single person
this is no longer.


2 years ago my blog post said:
 "my insides long for something. for meaning, I guess. for purpose. I long for passion and goals. I feel invisible, lost, useless.

I want to find my road. I am walking in circles.

Suddenly I feel sad again."

This is not all wrong

this is not all gone

3 years ago I felt locked tight inside of myself.

I couldn't get out. I felt like I didn't know how to let people in.

I felt like I had nothing to show anyone, how could I spill my liquid?

I still feel this way, but to a lesser degree.

4 years ago I was still in love.

or I thought I was in love.

or, it was love at the time.

whatever.

5 years ago I think I was still trying to get rid of my mike from my veins. but maybe it's sam, i don't even know.

and the fact that I confuse them is kind of funny but kind of toxic feeling.

theyre so different.

i thought the world around me owed me something 5 years ago.

i thought i was a victim

i thought i knew what i was talking about.

I HAVE MADE PROGRESS, I JUST HAVE TO LOOK IN THE RIGHT PLACES.

*everything is double sided, you just have to look*

it is okay to be myself. i am okay as i am.

meaningless sex gets really old after awhile.

blood is thicker than water.

things worth having take patient and hard work.

good friends do not happen over night.

in order to happy you must not only love yourself, but you must allow yourself to fearlessly love others.

my comfort zone should really be called my uncomfort zone because it is within this area that I become stagnant, afraid, and lonely.

(no matter how many times I walk down College Ave, I cannot decide if I lose myself more and more or get closer to finding myself. are we getting closer or just more lost?)

I don't believe anybody could fully love me if I don't fully love myself first.

you know
ppl go through their whole lives
saying
they found ppl they love
but they really havent
they just say that bc theyre the star
of their own fuckin romantic comedy
like this is some fiction movie bullshit.

I don't feel like anyone could know me and love me.

I am becoming a lonely estate.

my problem with interaction is that i'm always looking for a way to end it before it gets too awkward. I don't even give interaction enough room for it to not become awkward.
I am not free enough

why did I smoke weed??????
my lines are z
                    i
                     g
                   z
                    a
                    g
                 s
 and
your lines are
S T R A I G H T

I'm not a woman yet.

I need to be a woman.