i wonder what would happen

i really miss being in love and i'm really scared of letting this last wall down. i dont know what to do.

nononononono.

whyyyy are you so stupid. seriously like it's so blinding. isn't there a point where the light becomes too much for your eyes and you can't see and then you REALIZE you can't see and then you DO SOMETHING about it? apparently some people miss that part of the walk. that doesn't matter, much. statues do not moveee.

you still need to shut up. everyone needs to shut up.

nothing is giong to happen. first of all, we like the fact that there is a fact. and the fact that there is possibility. and we dive into that pool but when we think about it some more, right before coming up for the breath you need to survive, we don't want it. nothing is going to happen.

and same with everything else. it's just too quick to the point. i'm being too pushy with things. i have been for a long, long time. i need to put myself around people who do something. these people don't do things.

ive been really angry lately. ive been really alone.
i have nothing left and im starting not to care.


but even though i'm not the beholder, i'd climb those fucking ladders anyway.
if only all of you who are you all would see that. i think i do something wrong.

i can't wait to go the beachhh :]

damn,

i wish everyone would shut the fuck up. you're not even worth all the oxygen we are wasting.

i want a place to call my own.


i want a place where i don't have to keep worrying.

happy may 21st, i suppose.

i don't like it when people say ya. it's just something that has always bothered me.

have you ever looked up at the sky and seen it go from dark blue and fade to a ligher blue, all the while with the brightest stars you've seen in ages smiling at you? that's how the sky looks tonight. it's cool how open it can make things. how much i just want to outstretch my arms and lay in the grass until morning comes. i really want to do that. i know i can do it with you. i really do know i can do it with you. but i don't know if i want to. i mean, yes, of course i want to. but i go back and forth on it over and over. irony is so prevalent in my life. i guess it's that way for everyone, though. it's just so tough when connections are so incredibly hard to make. so once one is made, over time it strengthens into what it should be, naturally. but who's to say that's what's best? when youve gone through the same process once before, how do you look at it now? i really cannot tell you. my head my foggy. really foggy.

i could address so many things. maybe i should. i keep things in my head so much of the time. like i said, connections are so hard to find. everything always goes back to you. i'm afraid of that. i've been afraid of that and it's happening now and i'm not sure what to do. i dont know if it's bad or good, that's the thing. i just wish there was another. a girl. like i always wish for. i know i lead myself on. i think i do it subconciously to be hopeful but i don't know why becuase i know what's going to happen. i don't have a good sense of real from fake, all of the time though. i'm not afraid to admit my flaws anymore though. i don't care. you take me as what i am. you help me form what i'll become and vise versa, always. i would never want anything opposite. i inhale the pixels too much though. how do others do it? they keep 20 others around, close knit, right under their noses. i dont get it. it's so hard for me. i wish i wish i wish.

i want there to be others. more. a few more. everything is always a cycle and i say it every time. i say everything, every time. it's going to happen this way. i'm going to grow distant becuase i'm going to become afraid. happiness seems so solid, in a sense. like it can just be easiyl given over to the person sitting next to you. but not like that. i don't want things to be that way but it's really reallllly hard to push through those barriors. how do you do it? i really wonder if you just lie about it. someone told me once that if you lie to yourself enough, to begin to believe it. i havent tried it becuase i don't want to. but i kind of think theyre right. a little bit. maybe not.

there are times when i really love myself and times when i really hate myself and times where i'm numb towards myself. and i wish i could just be at a stable position but it hasn't been that way in a very, very long time. i want to say it to you. completely unrelated to what i just said, but it's on my mind. i know i'd be lying though. why do i want to say something that isn't true? i guess i just want it more then i allow myself to see. i found the perfect thing for us. it explains us so well. i want to leave it for you but i don't know how. i don't know when or if i want to. askdhad. everything keeps going back to you. i don't know if i lke this very much. i love it, all the while, though. i cant make up my minddd.

I want summer and i want connections and i want to talk and sit down and not feel angry. i want to seep deeper in this feeling. besides this stupid blog, how good i feel. i want to embrace it. i'm still fascinated with the fact that someone can wake up one morning and just feel like everything that's been holding them down is gone. liberation is the fucking best. i need more of it. i don't know how to end. that's a good thing i think. i shouldn't know how to end becuase i don't need to end.

this is only just beginning.
it's a good thing, it really is, even if i didn't make it seem like it.

let me just clarify.

the weather is beautiful. i am so excited.
sam is going to project impact with me.
so is melissa. so is alex. so is danielle. so is allie. so is sammi. i am so excited.
summer is soon. hammock is soon. i am so excited.
laying outside with your hand in mine is happening. we're happening. even despite whatever we want to call it, we're happening. i am so excited.
my grades are so good. my public speaking is better. i see things with more color. i have a bit more confidence. i've moved. i am so excited.

i'm being so selfish. it makes me so upset. i dont know. theres only been one person, thus far. besides you, now. but before, just one. and that one person...well, you know what happened. i used to think everything was so much more. even me. i guess not.

last night was so peaceful :]

i feel

SO GOOOD!

i hope we go to the park. i really really really hope we go to the park.

:]

despite everything

i still can't get it out of my mind how amazing it is that i, you, me, anyone, all of us can wake up one morning and feel like all your tightened skin has been shed. it's really amazing. i can't believe it. i could say i'm awe struck, but it's not that intense. in close proximity though, i guess. whatever it feels like it feels amazing. i'm just gonna let it soak in.

i'm going to spend my lifetime searching for something that is never going to fucking exist again.

i cried.

EVERYTHING ALWAYS TURNS.

thirty.

this is number two on a list of only two.

so here it is. sleeping is funny. being awake is funny. not knowing the difference between the two, is even more funny. it's startling when you rise and the sun is shining on your face and you think you're awake. you go through the day and the sun drops below the horizon. you sleep soundly. you think you've taken turns getting up, going to sleep, getting up, going to sleep. but you have not. it rains and it rains and you are protected. and each day you feel the ache in your veins for something more. but then theres something you notice when you rise from your nightly darkness. the walls of your cave have dissapeared. they are crumbled beneath those bed of rocks. it is still raining. you are drenched. you outstretch your arms and you stare directly at the sun, inhaling delicate tear drops from every inch of the road. the sun and the rain. you inhale. you exhale. can't stop, don't ever want to stop. you thought you were awake this whole time. but it's once the cave walls shatter and you realize there's nothing protecting you, that you have so much fucking optimism.

it's true; once you've lost everything you're free to do anything.
i just prooved it to myself. i could have described it better but feelings can be better than words, sometimes. thank you, anyhow though. all of you. even you. yes.

i'm going to explain it down to the smallest detail tomorrow because i don't want to let it go unnoticed.

i havent felt so much like myself in over a year. my fucking god, this feels amazing.

some days just on a really good note. i love that. i love a lot of things too. a lottttt of things. it's nice to be able to see them, now. it's nice to have a whole road in back of me as well as in front. hello.

it still makes me so fucking angry mad sad hurt alone lonely when i don't have any plans on a friday fucking night and my friends decide to ditch me.