i don't like it when people say ya. it's just something that has always bothered me.

have you ever looked up at the sky and seen it go from dark blue and fade to a ligher blue, all the while with the brightest stars you've seen in ages smiling at you? that's how the sky looks tonight. it's cool how open it can make things. how much i just want to outstretch my arms and lay in the grass until morning comes. i really want to do that. i know i can do it with you. i really do know i can do it with you. but i don't know if i want to. i mean, yes, of course i want to. but i go back and forth on it over and over. irony is so prevalent in my life. i guess it's that way for everyone, though. it's just so tough when connections are so incredibly hard to make. so once one is made, over time it strengthens into what it should be, naturally. but who's to say that's what's best? when youve gone through the same process once before, how do you look at it now? i really cannot tell you. my head my foggy. really foggy.

i could address so many things. maybe i should. i keep things in my head so much of the time. like i said, connections are so hard to find. everything always goes back to you. i'm afraid of that. i've been afraid of that and it's happening now and i'm not sure what to do. i dont know if it's bad or good, that's the thing. i just wish there was another. a girl. like i always wish for. i know i lead myself on. i think i do it subconciously to be hopeful but i don't know why becuase i know what's going to happen. i don't have a good sense of real from fake, all of the time though. i'm not afraid to admit my flaws anymore though. i don't care. you take me as what i am. you help me form what i'll become and vise versa, always. i would never want anything opposite. i inhale the pixels too much though. how do others do it? they keep 20 others around, close knit, right under their noses. i dont get it. it's so hard for me. i wish i wish i wish.

i want there to be others. more. a few more. everything is always a cycle and i say it every time. i say everything, every time. it's going to happen this way. i'm going to grow distant becuase i'm going to become afraid. happiness seems so solid, in a sense. like it can just be easiyl given over to the person sitting next to you. but not like that. i don't want things to be that way but it's really reallllly hard to push through those barriors. how do you do it? i really wonder if you just lie about it. someone told me once that if you lie to yourself enough, to begin to believe it. i havent tried it becuase i don't want to. but i kind of think theyre right. a little bit. maybe not.

there are times when i really love myself and times when i really hate myself and times where i'm numb towards myself. and i wish i could just be at a stable position but it hasn't been that way in a very, very long time. i want to say it to you. completely unrelated to what i just said, but it's on my mind. i know i'd be lying though. why do i want to say something that isn't true? i guess i just want it more then i allow myself to see. i found the perfect thing for us. it explains us so well. i want to leave it for you but i don't know how. i don't know when or if i want to. askdhad. everything keeps going back to you. i don't know if i lke this very much. i love it, all the while, though. i cant make up my minddd.

I want summer and i want connections and i want to talk and sit down and not feel angry. i want to seep deeper in this feeling. besides this stupid blog, how good i feel. i want to embrace it. i'm still fascinated with the fact that someone can wake up one morning and just feel like everything that's been holding them down is gone. liberation is the fucking best. i need more of it. i don't know how to end. that's a good thing i think. i shouldn't know how to end becuase i don't need to end.

this is only just beginning.
it's a good thing, it really is, even if i didn't make it seem like it.