sometimes, things feel really really tough. like you're sinking in quick sand or mud and you can't get out and you're slipping away quickly with something to grip onto.

it's a really tough feeling to feel that way.

but then other times, things just somehow seem to make sense.

somehow, it seems like all the negative things and times it feels like you're slip slip slipping away quickly are actually worth it, and they somehow seem to make sense.

the chain reaction makes sense

my senior year of high school I found my love for cooking. the first thing I ever made was a homemade mac and cheese. came out great.

the second thing I made that made me love cooking was a spicy swiss chard soup. that was the first time I fell in love with cooking.

i've loved cooking ever since. and sometimes i've hated myself for loving food. sometimes I still do because I don't feel happy with my body which makes me feel guilty about loving to cook and bake.

but that's where it kind of all makes sense

being unhappy with my body has given me a chance to change my diet, cooking styles, and eating habits.

i've been cooking for years, but have only recently realized how much cooking, and food in general, has actually taught me.

trying to eat healthy, watching what I eat, has made me learn so much.

just by trying to monitor how much I eat and what I eat, I have learned to take one day at a time. 

I have learned the true power of presence and being mindful and to really sit with my feelings. to let my food digest. to not be impulsive when I feel a food craving. to think before I act. whether that be what I put into my body food or drink-wise, or about my thoughts too.

I have learned how to be a lighter person and a more patient person from changing my relationship with food.

I have learned to be thankful  to the earth for its bounty, especially that which is specific to the months.

I have learned the true power of the mind body connection. And that when you eat healthy, your mind is healthy. 

Things like this do not happen by chance. I willed this to happen.  I led myself here on my own, by listening to my gut.  By doing what I know is best for me and my body.

When you make decisions like that, it resonates with you. It lifts you higher. 

When people judge other people it isn't actually the other person they're judging. It's themselves.
It's the reaction of whatever feelings get activated when interacting with that person. When people can't handle that reaction, they go into defense mode and judge them. Because it's easier to judge other people, to push them away, to call them names or file them into a compartment in which you deem yourself "better than", because it feels better.

This is my 1600th post.

Oh my fucking god.

things do not happen by chance. you seek them out. we seek things out based on our thoughts. we seek them out based on our wants. we form relations between songs, bands, albums, words, pictures, colors. we form connections between those things and our world. it isn't an accident. it's real. it's subtle, but it runs deep, and long, and hard through you.

how do you go there? Can I be vulnerable enough to allow myself to feel your pain? I'm not sure where my pain ends and you begin. I'm not sure where it's supposed to end.

Inside, somewhere, there is a power. I've always loved the quote about how it isn't our darkness we are afraid of, it's our light. It's true. Especially for women. We aren't born in a nurturing world. We aren't told it's okay to take up space. We cross our legs to make room for someone next to us. We take diet pills to shrink. We silence our voices. It's real. It's subtle, but it runs deep, and long, and hard through us. And it fucking hurts.

Our world is confusing. It's too complicated. It's too hard. I don't want to be hard anymore. I don't want to be a victim anymore. I'm so sick of looking at my phone constantly. I am so sick of hardening myself to alcohol.  I shock my nervous every time. I am a callous.

I did this to myself. I cannot forget these things. I cannot be mad at myself for these things, but I need really feel these things, truly, deeply, and longingly.

Maybe at one point it's easy to lie to oneself. Maybe it's always easy. I lie to myself everyday. I tell myself it's okay to eat food at 10pm. I tell myself it's okay that I didn't work out today. Or that I'm okay even though I feel like I haven't let out a breath in years. I tell myself I need to settle. That this is all life has for me. That this is all i'm meant for.

Why? Who said that? Who determines that? It's nobody's business. It's nobody's decision.

I need to take the control. I need to find a way to sit inside of the control, feel it, and absorb it, and know it.

Because it's fucking mine. This is all mine. Everything i've ever done, everything i'm left with, it's what I have manifested.

I choose what I put into my body. I choose what I feed my head. I choose if I want to love people or hate people and if I want to let that be a determining factor in how my day is going.

I choose if I should watch netflix or read a book. I choose if I should eat a salad or a cheesesteak. I choose if I should be a vegetarian or an omnivore.

When you're young, you're a victim. You're a result of circumstance. You lack control.

When you're 25 and seemingly independent, you gain control. You assume the responsibility, like it or fucking not. And you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

If you're family is chaotic, rise above. If people decided that they didn't love you, rise above. If people abandoned you, rise above. Circumstance does not dictate value. It's so fucking hard to understand and comprehend it, but it's true.

One person's decision to stop loving you does not mean you are unlovable.

I am a callous and I don't want to be.

I turned myself inside out on purpose. I used to write in here. I used to feel it and I didn't want to feel it. So I stopped. I shut myself off. And now I am a callous.

Now I feel nothing and it tears me apart. But I did this for a reason. I let myself become a callous for a reason. I couldn't continue being vulnerable in an environment that was hurting me.

But now I have the power. And I need to channel the power. Surround myself with things that uplift me. I have to be fucking honest about my life and myself. I have to trust my gut.

I have to stop feeding myself, literally, things that are bad for me. I have to stop making excuses. I have the control. If I do not take the control, I have absolutely no room to complain. Even victim's of circumstance can control how they react.

Being a callous means you know something logically, but you don't feel it emotionally. There is no blood line. There is no heart string.

I'm trying to wonder what the point is. I can't stop asking myself what the point is. And I keep doing that, as if I am not in control.

See; I lose it. It's so easy to lose it.

It's okay to lose it. But you have to get it back.

To be happy is to have control, and feel powerful. I'm 25 and I need to wake up. I can't continue feeding myself negativity. I can't keep bringing down my energy. I have to listen to my body. To my gut.

Control means harnessing the energy.
Control means an internal feeling that isn't dictated by outside forces.
Control means acknowledging that it's okay to feel out of control. Sometimes. Not always.
Control is feeling happy with your body. Flaws and all.

It's not okay to keep shrinking.
It's not okay to keep calloused.

I read this book in 6th grade called Checkers, and this quote has NEVER left me.

"The life that we once lived so easily, so effortlessly, We lived it like we breathed it- in, out; in, out- not knowing that the time would come when every moment of our lives would be an effort, when we'd have to think about every step, every word, every gesture. Nothing's unconscious for me now, everything's self-conscious."

I think, more than anything, music finds you, versus you finding the music.

Certain songs stick in your head. You don't realize why they do until you really think about it and dissect the lyrics.

Everthning. is. subconscious.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SK4VRyO_63Y

This is just a reminder that no one can determine your worth but yourself. We live in a society that rewards and validates a pretty specific type of person. If you are not succeeding, that doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with you. You might just be flowing in a current that you're not meant for. Love yourself, you are the most important. And so beautiful 

~PK

I just took 5 tequila shots chased with ginger ale on a Tuesday night.

I must not forget these things.

I don't feel drunk, but my body feels calm. And things are exactly they are.

I must not forget these things.

People mean so much more to me then I ever mean to them.

Depression

A lot of people tend to confuse sadness with depression.
To an untrained eye, they may seem very much alike.
But they're actually quite different.
Let me explain...
When you feel down because of a death, breakup, sadnes, or you know, typical reasons people usually feel sad...
                                        That's sadness
When you feel down when everything in your life is going well, or you have the greatest support system in the world and you still feel alone...
                                      That's depression

This may seem like a small difference, but look at this way;
It's a lot harder to empathize with someone who is depressed.
When someone is sad because of a loss, or a break up, or some heavy news, we can try to picture ourselves in that situation and feel for the person.
For people who struggle with depression, it can be hard for others to empathize when there isn't necessarily a rhyme or reason for the sadness.

So what can you do for a depressed friend?
Everyone is different, so there isn't one solid answer,
However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.
Someone who may be experiencing depression isn't thinking clearly, so you may not feel like you've done anything by trying,
But trust me, you have.

Never underestimate the sheer power of the words "I can't imagine what that must feel like".
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Some people could be fighting that battle right under your nose.
It may not be your battle to fight, but you can always lend a hand to someone in need.
The strongest of warriors can't fight every battle alone.


~JS

I just remembered that one of my boyfriends and I in highschool shared the same computer login and we had a word document we would talk through/leave messages for each other on it. Instead of texting through class we left each other recently saved/updated word documents.

There's poetic justice somewhere in here.