I don't need your love to disconnect

I HAVE ATTACHMENT ISSUES. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP

I have not stopped thinking about you since I met you and I don't know why and I wish I never thought about you at all


of course I want to love and be loved but no no I really don't know if I want to do that because love is a fear I don't know how to jump over and this is not love this is nothing but fear and separation of brain and heart

You live from the heart because you are a heart but I am a head and there are no hearts on my sleeve . Everything is logic but also emotion and love is unison which is not this

I wonder what your lips taste like I am trying to catch your mind but you wont stop running I wish you'd unlock yourself so we could all be comfortable

You = me

How does one spill their liquid onto the floor? I've never Been empty but yet I float. 

Love means too much like the inner workings of mind body and soul coming together morphing together into something I've never felt or seen. It is one thing to lust because it has been so long since water has been around but love is not that. 

Love neeeds to be perfect and the timing needs to be right. I or you can't love you or me if I or you don't love ourselves. Love mustn't be a crutch for comfort or used as a catalyst or well for happiness. Real love cannot exist within the absense of truth and humility. Love and connection is more than a basic level conciousness, it is the agragate of all conciousness which is really damn hard to do when you haven't locked into it all yet. 

At the bottom of everything is tightly woven yarn that might never be able to be untangled. I don't know what the absense of fear feels like at all but it takes the complete opposite to get there which is the scariest part of all.

Quickly I have learned to hide back in my shell because I'm not only dangerous for you but I'm dangerous for me. I can shut off all feeling like I never had them at all like I didn't sit across the table and look for more than 6 seconds or run my eyes across the shape of your ears and the stuble of your face hairs down across your chest to your ankles. Like I didn't desperately want to just lean in and kiss you or let you kiss me. Like I didn't think about you at night before sleep, when my hand made movements I wished you were making instead.

I am able to shut it all off as if nothing ever existed because nothing really ever did exist in a physical manifestation. I shut it off like I hate the way you wear two watches for you & everyone else and the way you wear rubberbands like the way I used to collect them & write important dates with the corresponding events on them or the way you're always messy and unkept and most of all scattered. 

I don't know what it is or what it means. I attach to people who need help, who are looking to be saved but I'm not a life saver I'm a heavy brick in their ocean that is disquised as something far less harmful. Ill suck your bone marrow dry until you're hallow and you'll sink and ill run away once I've been given it all without looking back. And I won't feel bad because I will have warned you ahead of time what it is going to happen and what it will feel like when you realize. But yet your secrets will convince you that you carry more weight I could ever put upon you and you'll believe with every inch that this is different it has to be it must be. Until your marrow is gone with me and youre drowning and I'm running and hiding even more underneath all of the weight I put us through and I am dangerous because I despise vulnerability and have kept my friendly hands around an enemies neck.

I will sabotage anything good that could turn my solid liquid and I will shut it off and shut it out like it has never happened. Because love doesn't exist where there is an absence of truth and the truth is easy when it is familiar yet hard when it is uncomfortable. 

But yet I am floating and I want to be drowning, choking on my own liquid and letting it all go. And what if I stopped the repetetive destruction of others ego and my progression of self. What if I put myself in the center and forgot what others felt or thought. And what if I didn't shut the lights out before we even got to the room and we finally did taste each others lips with interlocking flesh and slowly we began to swim instead of float or sink? It has to be possible, sequentially yet uncomfortably. Potential for unison is always possible, like the blades of grass inbetween our finger tips that cannot grow without the light from the sun. 

The heart screams with possibility but the head says no no this is wrong let's not go. So what to do and how to feel? I'm not sure ill ever know.

Open mindedness is the key to growth yet I shut it all off before it even starts and then that tight box of depleted oxygen surrounds me and I'm once again camaflouged into the maroon brick that makes up the structure of my own castle wall.

Is this self pity or blatant honesty? If self sabotage is evident, the only way to stop it is to stop it. I am harsh because I know what I should do yet irrational fear overrides everything and I am a slave to insecurity.

The problem need not be found or repeated but the solution must be defined, accepted, and also feared with healthy procaution without the unspoken contract of slavery.

I am a walking contradiction in every sense of the word. I might want to drown but I constantly am wearing floaties. I will tell you to let go, let it all go, because there's nothing to be afraid of and being alone isn't bad, yet I'm as closed as a clam. 

I do not want to rely on connection to help me find my inner energy. I'm tired of repetition yet fearful of blank spaces. My stomach hurts. I am uncomfortable with who and where I am and I don't want to show people who or where or what I am because I don't know who that is and I don't feel they'd like it. And I don't want to hide anymore behind these walls and sit in my shadow because I'm self sabotaging and hiding instead of doing and feeling. I am uncomfortable outside and inside and I cannot rely on alcohol to behead myself. I have to sit inside of this uncomfort and face it and accept it and let it pass through and then out of me and move on. 

I want to be able to comfort people without inhabitions. I don't want to think anymore, I just want to let myself feel. But I somehow picked up the belief that it is wrong to feel, that I shouldn't because it is bad and dangerous. Yet if acceptance and spirituality linked together, I might be able to crack. I myself don't even know what I'm hiding, which is scariest of all.

I've cracked in small ways over the years and it all involves love and feeling for men, never passion for anything tangible. At one point I could sink in the energy exuding from your chest, until I realized how vulnerable that was, so I pushed it away until I no longer felt it. At other times, I expressed insecurity and exposed myself to the verge of tears, yet you didn't understand so I backed away from that too. And at another point I was able to push those insecurities away without much thought, yet no feelings arose. And then, after years of drought, feelings arose for no reason because we were oposing magnets trying desperately to stick together. And you'd kiss my neck and electricity would run through me but it was never enough emotionally. I would kiss you at stop lights and rub your arm during green, but the energy was fake because neither of us had any. We were the same person with the same problem, shut too tightly inside. We were both slaves to fear, never able to crack it.

What I cannot understand is how I can feel something so fully and convincingly that is not even true or real. How I can believe things I think are honest, yet rooted in fear, defenses, and insecurity. Purity is nowhere.

I just want to be blank, to forget yet to simultaneously remember, to lose my solid frame, to become liquid and flowy. I want to feel in the light like I do in the night, and shed the same energy everywhere I go. Strong, desireable, sure of it\oneself. 

The problem need not be defined, the road must be paved with good intention and knowledge that fear should, and CAN be conquered.

Lonely and horny.

why do I miss it if it was never fully satisfying?