i'm not sure if it's my friends I hate or myself that I hate.

or. i mean. DISLIKE.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES FRIENDSHIP MEAN?


do friends let other friends become strangers? does this mean anything to you? do i mean anything of significance to anyone?

kjhfskdfhekh i want to go fucking insane
i always tell myself i'm not going to be the one to do it first but i always am. does it proove anything if i'm not the first one and then it fades away? or will it just be futile because it would still be my fucking fault anyways?


i'm really tired, ya know.
i'm back to the feeling of wanting to curl up into a ball and disappear from the world.
sometimes i just really want to know wtf is the point of it all. nothing seems to solifidy the way i want it.
is it me? is it you? is this what's meant to be?


if you're feeling like a stranger to me...does that mean i've become a stranger to you? how is this supposed to work?
i want rejuvenation, a bike, a hammock, bongos, and someone to kiss.

i am insanely self destructive. i am trapped in my own cob webs. i have created a cage for myself. i have drowned myself in my own made up misery.

why do i sit alone in the darkness? why do i learn towards sadness, depression, and anger? i don't understand. i swear on my life i really don't. something is preventing me from being happy. something is blocking the way. something is covering me, slowly suffocating me.I

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS THAT IS DOING THIS TO ME.

i feel like i am going to be forever stuck here. Even when happiness ensues for a short while, this feeling is still always sitting underneath it all.
i need to figure this out. i need to crack. break. spill. SOMETHING. i really don't know. my life is just the same thing over and over again. everyday i feel the same and when i try to change it never works.

WHAT ABOUT HAPPINESS?

will there ever be a time in my life where i feel 100%, truly and completely happy? CONTENTED? I don't know but I really hope so. I have completely lost what it's going to take to get there because i don't know where it is rooted anymore. Is this because of me? did i cause this? is this beause of my mother? my father? my step father? i need OUT OF HERE. i need white flags. i am surrounded by walls that feel like theyre suffocating my existence.
there is something wrong here.

for one, why do i always come back to this same fucking spot? why do i always push people away because i don't feel like i deserve their love? better yet, how come i can't ever believe that someone actually cares for me? and why can't i give them love back. what's wrong with me? where did i go? where did my life go? where did my want to learn and love and be loved an be open go? i feel like i've completely regressed. i was once a happy child. I always roamed around, made stories of everything i found. and I was smart. I interacted with people much older than me. There were people out there wanting me and almost needing me before i coluld even grasp that concept. but where has that person gone? i just don't understand how i got here. I'm a solid shell. I don't move inside. I am stiff and unchanged. I am neutral. I don't know where my being went. I feel stale and uninterested. I have no excitement inside of me. It's all forced. It's all just an act. I don't feel like i am meant to be happy. I don't feel like it's in my being. I wasn't made to be happy. I don't think i ever was and i'm not sure if i ever will be.

but that's my fault isn't it? if i believe that i am worth it and believe i should be loved wouldnt i have accepted it already? would i let people close to me? would i let people in at all? if i liked myself more would i have already been there?

i fucking hate this cycle. i dont know how to end it. i feel like i need to talk to someone. i feel like there is something deep inside me i am not addressing. i feel like i need help. i want to feel new, fresh, revitalized.

how do i do this? how do i obtain happiness? how do i get to a place where i'm self confident? how do i get to a place where i can accepts peoples interest and friendship? i'm pushing everyone because i can't accept their accordance. (platonic and those otherwise). i'm tired of this. but how do i stop it if i don't know what to do. i don know.

i'm lost. i feel fucking alone and lost and i don't know what to do
I WANT TO WAKE TO A WORLD OF SOLIDIFIED HOLES AND NO MORE SILENCE.


i need to get the fuck out of here. i'm growing physically uncomfortable. this needs to end. right fucking now.

every new summer i make it a mission to create a summer experience that was better than the previous one. i'm ready for it all, so that means you better be too because you're coming along with me :).

also feel free to suggest any new things

• white water rafting
• camp out for a weekend
• swim in a lake
• build a fort in a secluded area housed in the middle of the woods.
• read 1/3 of my book collection
• lots of shore trips
• Philadelphia Folk Fest 2011. oh fuck yes.
• six flags/dorney/hershey
• big mac museum
• minimal technology
• CONCERTS. alteast 2
• roadtrip/travel somewhere outside of state
• picnic at a park
• night time swimming. often
• new york
  
• southstreet
• go to a completely random party
• trip to white castle
• sight seeing in the city.
  
• rave
  

i have a lot to talk about but i don't have a good way of putting it into words.

6th grade

i wrote this in 6th grade and reread it today. it made me smile.


go inside...

go inside a soul.
you never know what you might find.
it's like destiny meeting fate.
it might be a whole bunch of mixed emotions.
of loneliness,
hollowness,
excitement,
sadness,
happiness,
contentment.
and everything in between.
perhaps you may discover the real you.
maybe if you take a chance and look into YOUR soul...
youll find something,
something you never know you could be.
something you never knew you would ever come across.

and, all the times i question what friendship is...my 6th grade self knew all along.

friendship

what is friendship?
friendship is when you tell someone everything.
it is when you know they won't tell.
it is late night talks.
daring thigns you MUST do.
it is always being there for someone.
it is when you now that they are listening.

when times get hard and you need them the most
they are there
when you c all them everyday to tell them every solitary thing about your day
no matter how random it is.
it is when you can finish one another's sentences.
it is a bond only two people share.
it is the most precious thing in life.

this is friendship...

it's funny looking back at the things you used to believe in.

i want to find the right words and it frustrated me that i can't.