one and only
one and lonely

DEPRESSION SUCKS THE FUCKING LIFE OUT OF YOU.


my white flags are going up everywhere.
THIS IS USELESS. WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME.


I have no idea idea who I am without this mess of tangled webs.

If I knew where
I was going next
I wouldn't be spending so much time
taking so many naps
or reading all of these books
trying to define my future
in white cotton pillowcases
and cracked book bindings.

Lost in the decisions of each day,
becoming only slightly numb.

I am the inevitable
wanderer.
The girl that always says
goodbye
but never knows how to
leave.

no coherency

what's the point of writing when the feelings never change?

why won't I ever
ever ever ever
let myself just
sink?


if acceptance of weakness is actually strength, maybe I shouldn't feel so bad.

random things.

seeping into my blood stream,
companions join me that turn solidified feelings into liquid that runs out of my skin and down my leg.


take it away take it away I don't want this feeling. loneliness tells you nothing that you don't already know. it shows you nothing you haven't already seen. it only makes you feel worse than you previously have felt. and the worst kind of loneliness is when you don't even really want to be looking for something, but the loneliness creeps up on you, inviting itself into your house, and manipulating you into believing you want to pursue something. convincing you that once your loneliness is cured, your feet will be properly planted on the ground again. loneliness is a facade, a mask. Loneliness is futile. I understand that at this moment I want to touch. I understand that I am longing so desperately for the smell of someone elses flesh to mesh with mine. but what exactly does this mean? It doesn't really mean anything besides that I am alive and that I am human. But it's like, you can go away now, loneliness. I get it. Believe me, I hear you knocking on my door but I really do not feel like answering. Go away, I want to enjoy this without your interruptions. (whatever "this" is).

(^): the thing is that people get into relationships for the wrong reasons. Instead of wanting a relationship for the right reasons- sharing experiences, learning from someone, teaching someone other things, confiding in someone, having someone to share things with, etc- people get into relationships, or at the very least want a relationships so badly, because they believe that a relationship is going to cure them. as if they have some type of I-lack-companionship-disease and need a cure for their sickness. The other thing is that this wouldn't be such a problem if it the two were easier to distinguish between. It is hard to tell if you want a relationship with someone because you really like them, or because you really want to be loved. Obviously the two can be intertwined, but I think in premature adulthood a lot of people don't understand that.

maybe. I could be wrong.
I am probably wrong.

Regardless, the Dali Lama says that if one is compassionate then they shall never be lonely. I don't really know how much I agree with it but maybe it's true. I mean compassion is the ability to empathize with essentially every single other person around you. Meaning the world. If you are lonely, and change your loneliness to compassion, you realize you aren't really alone and shouldn't be lonely because there is love all over, affection everywhere. You just need to find the suitable medium for you. I guess in reality, loneliness can be cured with any number of things, instead of just the warm embrace of another human. But, that is what is most commonly longed for.

I could be wrong though.
I am probably wrong.

One day the world that has been closed off towards me will open its doors again. But I can't allow those doors to open, or maybe just to allow myself to walk through them, until I have a clear foundation. Walking into a relationship so tangled and knotted is succumbing to the trickery of loneliness. A relationship only thrives when two people are secure with themselves and have trust in themselves and each other. Too many insecurities bury you and eat at you. There can't be too many maggots flying around or else one of the people will grow uncomfortable. Both people need to be basically solidified in order to thrive. Obviously tons of growth can happen and will happen in a healthy relationship, but I don't think it's right for a person to go into a relationship being an insecure mess. Feeling as if they have no solid foundation. That is just opening yourself up to make someone else your foundation and that does nothing for your case. A person needs to learn how to walk carefully and stably on their own two feet without the help of someone else.

There are no clutches in life, there are only excuses.

When the mind is ready the heart will follow. (?????)

I speak of things I don't believe but want to believe.

I am a parasite to my own life and my own well being.

I am afraid of everything around me, and have never be able to speak a word when I really have wanted to. Like the time I went on stage in 4th grade and had this inner feeling deep down that I could act, but never, to this day, have ever gained the guts to grow the strength to knock the walls down.

I allow fear to be my safety blanket. meant to save me, protect me, it is suffocating me, and laughing as I fall for its games repeatedly over and over.

what once felt trusting has turned bitter and cold. it has turned its back on me, knowing it is better than me. and I could kill it if I knew the correct means. It is living off of my own negativity. I keep the monster alive because I do not realize that it is all

in my control.

I don't understand how you can just stop thinking about something that you want so badly and that is the basis of your thinking in order for you to achieve what you want. when you stop wanting it, it comes right? but how do you just shut your brain off? it doesn't work like that.

I am too pale and tired of my sentences starting with I. I want to start them with We. I like that so much better. I want to share things. but my fear makes it hard.

if the submission to weakness is really strength, then maybe I shouldn't feel so bad.

Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad.

nostalgia is a disease. the best of times are not in the past. there is no past. there is no future there is no present. time is nonexistent on a relative plane.

"driving in your car, miss the stop sign fall in love."

-Thursday, Standing on the Edge of Summer.

i'm getting lonely again

and when the day comes in which we amputate our own limbs and are unable to walk,
we shall realize the harmful price we pay for such a banal existence.

I have the most self destructive thoughts and it really is a problem

I need this to stop. I don't know how to make this stop. I try and try and I keep running in circles

you need to love yourself before you are free to do or feel

CONFIDENCE IS WHAT TURNS THE LIGHT ON!

I don't know what is holding me back from getting close to people

I don't want to be locked anymore. where is my key?

if you never force yourself to escape from the inner barriers hindering you from oppurtunity, you have no room to complain.

every. thing. is. culturally. constructed.
nothing. has. any. meaning. (solidified)
we. don't. know. the. truth.

part of me wants to disappear for awhile, seclude myself, and return to the world with a new outlook, solidified goals, and an increased sense of self.

part of me wants to stop going to college and just make a lot of money until I figure out what I really want to do.

part of me feels like I am letting the invisible structure of this society run my life; letting life make me instead of me making my life.

part of me feels weak and useless because I constinuously and consistantly hide from human interaction for fear of rejection. or... I think that is why atleast.