random things.

seeping into my blood stream,
companions join me that turn solidified feelings into liquid that runs out of my skin and down my leg.


take it away take it away I don't want this feeling. loneliness tells you nothing that you don't already know. it shows you nothing you haven't already seen. it only makes you feel worse than you previously have felt. and the worst kind of loneliness is when you don't even really want to be looking for something, but the loneliness creeps up on you, inviting itself into your house, and manipulating you into believing you want to pursue something. convincing you that once your loneliness is cured, your feet will be properly planted on the ground again. loneliness is a facade, a mask. Loneliness is futile. I understand that at this moment I want to touch. I understand that I am longing so desperately for the smell of someone elses flesh to mesh with mine. but what exactly does this mean? It doesn't really mean anything besides that I am alive and that I am human. But it's like, you can go away now, loneliness. I get it. Believe me, I hear you knocking on my door but I really do not feel like answering. Go away, I want to enjoy this without your interruptions. (whatever "this" is).

(^): the thing is that people get into relationships for the wrong reasons. Instead of wanting a relationship for the right reasons- sharing experiences, learning from someone, teaching someone other things, confiding in someone, having someone to share things with, etc- people get into relationships, or at the very least want a relationships so badly, because they believe that a relationship is going to cure them. as if they have some type of I-lack-companionship-disease and need a cure for their sickness. The other thing is that this wouldn't be such a problem if it the two were easier to distinguish between. It is hard to tell if you want a relationship with someone because you really like them, or because you really want to be loved. Obviously the two can be intertwined, but I think in premature adulthood a lot of people don't understand that.

maybe. I could be wrong.
I am probably wrong.

Regardless, the Dali Lama says that if one is compassionate then they shall never be lonely. I don't really know how much I agree with it but maybe it's true. I mean compassion is the ability to empathize with essentially every single other person around you. Meaning the world. If you are lonely, and change your loneliness to compassion, you realize you aren't really alone and shouldn't be lonely because there is love all over, affection everywhere. You just need to find the suitable medium for you. I guess in reality, loneliness can be cured with any number of things, instead of just the warm embrace of another human. But, that is what is most commonly longed for.

I could be wrong though.
I am probably wrong.

One day the world that has been closed off towards me will open its doors again. But I can't allow those doors to open, or maybe just to allow myself to walk through them, until I have a clear foundation. Walking into a relationship so tangled and knotted is succumbing to the trickery of loneliness. A relationship only thrives when two people are secure with themselves and have trust in themselves and each other. Too many insecurities bury you and eat at you. There can't be too many maggots flying around or else one of the people will grow uncomfortable. Both people need to be basically solidified in order to thrive. Obviously tons of growth can happen and will happen in a healthy relationship, but I don't think it's right for a person to go into a relationship being an insecure mess. Feeling as if they have no solid foundation. That is just opening yourself up to make someone else your foundation and that does nothing for your case. A person needs to learn how to walk carefully and stably on their own two feet without the help of someone else.

There are no clutches in life, there are only excuses.

When the mind is ready the heart will follow. (?????)