not done, never done.

when it's summer, my days and nights blend into one. the sunrise is the sunset and the sunset is the sunrise. i like it this way. i love it this way. i smoke too much weed. that comes with a negative connotation only because it's clearly something that is wrong, as shown by the courses of action that have happened this week. i play online scrabble everyday. when i'm bored at night i watch food network. i am a good friend. i don't need reassurance of that or anyone to tell me a second time. i am sure of it. many many many people tell me that i am "cute, awesome, a sweetheart, amazing." but i don't enjoy hearing that because their actions don't speak the same language. however, many people also tell me that they feel comfortable around me and can tell me anything. i love that they can, i hate that i never feel the same way back. i am powerful and i am powerless. i am everything you can imagine but i am simple a small molecule of the world around us. i am nobody. i am everybody. i feel selfish using so many i's. it's okay, though. it gets you places in small moderation. one day i want to make a list of every thing in my life, even something small like the brand of tooth paste i use and change it. change everything. i love to drink water. it's all i ever drink besides my morning orange juice and an occasional ginger ale. i take people for what they are. i really truely mean it when i say that anyone can tell me anything. but we aren't brought up to act upon that unless we feel like the person won't let us fall, so nobody ever really does unless they know the look in your eyes. something like that. i'm glad there are still those people though. i'm scared. i used to be afraid to admit it to myself but i'm nto anymore. that never gets you anywhere. i clean my room so many times even though i never throw anything away, just move it to different places. maybe that's symbolic. i look for people who are well roundede and wordly. if you can't fend for yourself, i don't really want you. i can't wait to grow up beause everybody this age stinks. but so do i, honestly. i'm not different. sex is important to me. really important to me. i hate that people are willing to give it away so easily. i can see why, though. i dont like fake nails. i like how they look but theyre fake after all and i dont like them. theyre not for me. i love cuddling and sleeping with someone. i want to watch the sunrise with someone. i want to have a picnic with someone. i want a best friend. a girl best friend. like i've never had before. i think it's funny that you can look back on yourself, at a certain point, at the person you once used to be, and can feel lke you're looking at a complete stranger. you can't even relate to that person. their eyes are different. who is this person, you think. but it's you. it's the you that was there before slowly bits and pieces got taken away. it adds and subtracts all the time. everything is shaping you. lonliness isn't so bad. you should embrace it, so i've been told. it can teach you a lot about yourself when you embrace. you really learn whats really for you instead of what you think is for you. sometimes, when you're lonely, you'll do anything. am i right? i think so. and if not, well, you can tell me i'm wrong. i wish i had more confidence. it's the key foundation for everything and i don't have much. it's more than it was, though. so i'll give myself that. but it's no reason to stop trying. i probably shouldn't have to remind myself of that. i remind myself of a lot of things. sometimes it's hard to fit in. maybe i don't fit in because i believe i stand out so much even though i don't. it's a weird thing, you know. but even those who fit in know what it feels like to not fit in. so, we're all equal. we're all humans regardless of every single thing. it's a shame we can never seem to learn that. it's all so fucking simple, nobody sees it. whatever. my favorite number is 4. when asked what my favorite color is i'll tell you it's purple. but when i think about it some more, i hate them alll except white. so i guess that's my answer. there i go, again. i love my teeth. and my hands. and my feet. and my eyes. i enjoy wearing a black bra with black underwear and black socks. that'd make it a good day. i wear soccer socks every day in the winter. i think it's cute and it keeps me warm. i'm always too hot or too cold, though. i hate turtle necks. i love hot fries. and sometimes bbq chips. or anything bbq, really. i want to feel something. something huge. something that is so awakening and envigorating i can feel it in my bones. i don't want to feel the walls. i wish i knew how to be around girls the same way i am around guys. i like girls. i think theyre cute. i think theyre many things. i want to explore it more. but it's hard. like i said, i'm not afraid to admit. i've been cheated on. i've cheated. i will never do it again. i don't like being lied to so i try my hardest not to lie. no good comes from lying, in 97% of cases. i used to go to overnight camp. i miss it but everyone tells me i shouldn't. summer sucks. i hate it. i dont like not having routine and vegitating all day. i can't wait for my life to start. this isn't living. i shouldn't have said that. you don't wait for your life to start, you start it. i never wear my hair curly. iwant to more but i stop myself. you were right, there is no should. there are no rules. everything can be really simple once you get down to it. it's really hard for me to look at life through that lens though. i dont think i am creative. i such at thinking of metaphors for how i'm feeling or how i am. it's why i dont write anymore. i don't like the frustration. i make myelf look weak. damn. i give good advice. i think. i hope. i wish people were more comfortable. me included. i am jewish. i dont know if i believe in god. i don't think i ever will believe in god, though. maybe slightly. you dont need relgion. i think it's stupid that in an AA meeting they tell you that you have to believe in god. you don't. what if god is simply yourself? it's just an excuse. a false reason. i'm open minded though. believe what you want, i'm not stopping you. my music taste has changed lately. it's fitting, i think. everything is fitting though. because theres a reason for it. i love to read. my favorite boooks are A Million Little Pieces, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Running With Scissors, & Tuesdays With Morrie. i don't know who i am talking to. but knowing i might be talking to someone makes this feel worth it. hello, whoever you are. introduce yourself. tell me something new. i love it.

have i told you how much i love my life, lately? because i really think you deserve to know.

I SURRENDER.

i wonder if it's ever going to go away.

it's not difficult to hear the hurt in his voice. "i have to go" are probably the four words i use most with him. the thought that normally accompanied these words was BECAUSE I NEED TO DRINK. now it's because i need to go TALK ABOUT THE NEED TO DRINK. it's like alcohol gets in the way even when it's out of the way.



i feel this way.

i want to rip time right out from under each one of us.
I DONT WANT TO EXIST.

fuckkkkkkkkkkkk this mood

what it's worth

for me.

classic summer nights. the stars. the wet grasss. sleepovers. bowling with drunk boys. new heights. potential. mama dukesss. water. augusten. sight. feet. wisdom teeth. SAT practice tests. hallway two. 11:30 smoke ups which are so beautifullll. guitars. yellow. sammeh! oh shittt...i know you, always. DO YOU SEE THE BEAUTY YET!?

i feel awesome

cheating is so fucking terrible.

makes me so angryconfusedawed that someone can throw away something so fucking amazing for something that clearly isn't worth it at all. goodluck.

i want to be the boy in the book

your hair, it's everywhere

goodbye.

i've never wanted to get to know someone so badly without knowing them like i want to get to know you. it's crazy and it feels extremely liberating. i noticed your hand movements. i can see it in your eyes. i want to reach further. i wish there was more time.

i want to touch you.

actually i lied. i do, indeed, have many many places to go.