I feel weird. I feel so in between stages of everything and it's resulting in feeling so completely blank. I like to kiss you and want to kiss you when I see and want to see your name appear under new text messages. But I wouldn't say I like you because I barely know you. When I am around you I don't know how to act because I'm horrible at affection and I barely know you. I want to learn so much about you because there is so much about you to learn. And I like that you get happy when you see me and you smile that cute little smile. I Can tell you're a genuine guy and it excites me to know and feel confident in that. Stuff like this freaks me out though. I am horrible with putting my feelings on the table. It takes me months for feelings to even begin because comfort is the base of those things, and we aren't exactly there yet. This is exciting though because I get so nervous everytime I know I will be seeing you. The fact that I am giving myself, slowly, to someone is invigorating. It has been two years since I have done that and it's so weird to think about doing it now. I am still afraid of getting hurt though but I know I can't let that hold me back. Sometimes though I want to just retract and hide from it because it's more comfortable there. I have comfortable blankets and here I am bare-skinned. but I know this is good for me and will be good for me. I need this experience and this opportunity and I need to seize and cherish it for what it is. It is still very new but it is exciting and fresh and that's what I need. Freshness. Everything was stale for so long, it's nice to see some other colors in the mix now. Let's see where this takes us.

I want to sip wine with tangled legs while we listen to Franz Ferdinand in a dimly lit room.

Walking through a dimly lit sorority house. I know about half the people in this house. Everyone around me is very drunk. I seemed to have arrive at an inopportune time because everyone and everything was flying right by me. The noise floating above my head. I walk into different rooms asking for alcohol, but nobody seems to have any and it frustrates me because all I want to do is get drunk. I go into this girl Ashley's room who I know from high school. I always thought she was annoying but she is my last resort for alcohol. She has no alcohol, but is still just as crazy as ever and attempts to suck me into a never ending conversation. I somehow get out of it and away from there. I end up outside where I see Joe, Luke, and Nick, people I also know from high school or before that. They are drunk and on their way to some kids apartment to sleep. I don't want to go to sleep, I just want to get drunk, but I go with them anyway. We enter the apartment but it turns into a hotel. I lose everyone I am with and am once again by myself. Again, I am looking for alcohol or just something fun to do and I walk into people's rooms with no regard for who they are. The first room I enter is this boy Kevin's. He used to date my best friend from middle school, Alison. I enter the room and, ironically, Alison is somehow with me. I try to walk with Kevin into the kitchen before she see's but she see's anyways. I don't want her to get upset. I learn that Kevin has been living in this hotel room for quite awhile now and wishes to leave but has nowhere to go and nobody to go with. I say I am trying to get out of here, go somewhere, go anywhere and without hesitating he packs his things and we go. Alison disappears and it is just Kevin and I. We have no destination but we just had wanted to go, so that we did. It turns into Kevin and I in a car. I am driving. He hands me a paper bag with two grams of weed in it and some kind of message or note that but I don't remember what it said on it. I tell him I don't smoke anymore and he grows sensitive to this saying, "hopefully that doesn't lead you to think I am a bad influence on you and your life. I wouldn't want that." I tell him no, of course not, but somehow this seems to be epic foreshadowing. We don't really go anywhere, or atleast I don't think so, because I end up at home and alone, once again. I don't know why but I am now overcome and overwhelmed with intense fear. I connect this fear with Kevin's presence in my life although I am not sure why. This fear is incredibly paralyzing and hard to handle. I fear something terrible is going to happen. I try to explain this to my family but they don't believe. There is this dark energy lurking over me. I can feel it. Haunting events begin to take place. That night I wake up with a red rash all over my arms. I can deal with it, no problem. The next night something falls and begins to smoke in my kitchen. Everyone is sleeping and nobody is downstairs. It freaks me out. My fear grows more intense. The next night, there are two pieces of art in my room with the same cat on them. One is fabric and one is paint. The paint turns to fabric and the fabric turns to paint and there is an outline of a cat on my door in blood red. Fucking creepy. This takes me over the edge. I lose my mind completely to this fear. I scream, go crazy, lash out. Nobody senses this fear like I do or feels it like I do and I feel trapped by it. It is everywhere I fucking turn. I find out Alison has died. Fear increases. I can no longer mentally handle this fear and I begin tearing apart my furniture which is made of hard cardboard. I rip it and destroy it completely. The destruction feels good. I then feel I need to talk to someone about this so I get Mrs. K and she is driving, me in the passenger seat. I explain the situations to her and in front of us is a dark gloomy cloud covering the sky. Nothing feels safe. It freaks me out. She drives me to a hospital where I see Mike. He says something I don't recall and then I stand there and scream the loudest I possible can. My soul is taken over by the best of fear. I am paralyzed completely with this fear both mentally and physically. All natural sense is gone. I remember nothing else except for eternal sense of discomfort and fear that closes in around me tighter and tighter with every minute. Pretty Freaky.

being scared is a form of resistance. resistance is reluctance. reluctance is mistrust. mistrust is insecurity. insecurity eats at you. then you die.

I don't know what it's supposed to mean, but if you can make me feel like how I make myself feel, I might deem you worthy to stay. Do I ask too much? Am I too ambiguous. I'm not sorry.

throw your keys in the bowl, 'cause you're here to spend the night.

my feet want you to touch them. my feet are raw. if you know what that means, the rest of me is too.

nothing happens when anger is present or outwardly expressed. no growth happens when one is angry. anger is resistance. resistance is regression. please, let yourself sink.

(lots of grammar mistakes in this, fyi)

life is funny lately. the discomfort I often feel is only going to sink by facing that same discomfort. I have decided to put myself out there and say yes to almost everything. I need more life experiences, stories to tell, and places to stretch my limbs. as I have stated here or elsewhere, I don't really remember, this enables me to become a yes man and agree to doing things. I will not drive drunk or do drugs tho, obviously.

with this being said it seems the first experiences to seize are dates with guys. although I have only been on two dates within the past week which might not seem like much, it definitely feels like a huge change from the 0 dates I have been on in the (very close to) past two years. The good thing about dates is that the guys pay for the food and you get to enjoy it for everything it is worth. the bad thing about dates is that guys probably feel a sense of entitlement afterwards. "I paid $40 to take you out tonight. I better receive a(tleast a) kiss, damnit". haw. any guy expecting more than that, as in some sort of tuggy in the back of his cold car or even worse than that I wouldn't be on a date with anyways. These dates are interesting though, and make me want to start a diary strictly documenting the courses of actions taken throughout the nights, tactics of each male, conversations had, and, most of all, how long each male can go on continuously talking about themselves for.

Dates are funny because it is almost always apparent that both parties are nervous but, of course, never openly admit it. Eye contact is always weird. We live in a world where we are so afraid to act ourselves out of fear of judgment. To some people it is so intense they never go out on dates ever, or even do anything similar to it. I mean this, right here, is what I am trying to steer myself away from because it does no good.

anyways. the thing with dates is that there are so many different kinds. I mean there are blind dates where you just meet the person and have to endure 2 or more hours of making up conversation with someone you know nothing about. this can go in good or bad ways, it really depends and is what ultimately leads to the decision of another date of not. Then there are those dates with people you have texted a little bit, only know a small amount of info on them, but you go out anyways. These dates are somewhat more smooth because you atleast know where to steer the conversation in the beginning but can be daunting because you barely know each other. Then there are the dates where you've texted or hungout with the person a lot before dating them. These dates are usually the best because you have a good sense of who they are and can make conversation based on what you know they will like. These kinds of dates can be nerve raking through when two people are very different. The person must filter their thoughts more and gear them to topics of interest while the topics to talk about are slim. either way, dates can be a bit weird solely because you are both nervous due to the fact that you want them to like you and they want you to like them, and also because energy now has to be shared between only the two of you, where as in a group setting it is completely different.
This is the most nerve racking part for me. So often I want to just remain silent and not say much, but silence scares me. It is like if I remain silent it will be anything put that, and once silence ensues the awkward eye contact is made and it all goes down hill from there. If this really would happen, or does happen, I'm not really sure, but I try my best to ignore it because I am afraid of it. I'm not afraid to admit that, though.
so date number one was with someone I had hung out with a couple times in a group setting and have texted a little bit. It was apparent we were/are both interested in each other. truthfully, I was just waiting around for him to ask me out but it never happens so I took initiative. He jumped on the opportunity right away, a sign he was just nervous to ask. Nervousness, kind of cute. Attractive. In the same ways sadness is somehow attractive as long as it's not the sole emotion. so he picked me up. We decided to go to a sushi place near me. to my surprise he brought a bottle of wine with him. The waitress didn't care how old we were, didn't even ask, so we casually drank it while eating a talking. I was extremely nervous for this date. I do not ever date, put myself out there, or even ask guys on dates, but I really put myself out there on this one. Conversation actually ran quite smoothly and I Was feeling happy with myself for not fucking it up. lol. Then we were done eating and it was like 9 and I didn't want to go home so we went to his house. I don't know if me saying I didn't mind going there sounded like an invitation to do sexual things with him, but I did not intend for it to sound that way. That's the one problem with guys. They take everything in sexual context. Anyways though, we went to his house and sat on his couch about a foot away. If he didn't know I wanted to kiss him he was crazy. I asked him on the date, it was his chance to make the next move. After about what felt like a year, and after him progressively getting closer to me, he finally leaned in and kissed me. "jesus," he said, "took me long enough!" ahha. funny. able to laugh at self. again, nervous but cute. I really had wanted to kiss him for a long time. I think what I initially liked about him was his ability to appear real to me. He wasn't someone who always seemed happy or always sad. He shows a bit of fear or insecurity in his smile, but is outwardly able to be funny and social and I liked that. Aside from that, he is tall with great hands. Just some small things I enjoyed about him. I know these are physical and only mean so much, but that's the only basis I had. While at his house he attempted to do more with me but I didn't want to and he understood. Thank god. So we just talked and what not.
two days later we hung out again. This time at his place with a group of people. Drinking, listening to music, etc. I slept over and he attempted to do more but I didn't want to, again. I felt bad this time because he so obviously wanted to/was horny and I know it is hard for guys to control that stuff. But this stuff freaks me out. It isn't that I like this guy. I wouldn't say I like him just yet, but the interest is still there. I enjoy what I know of him so far but I am afraid for it to turn sexual.
Sexual interest can be really deceiving. Meaning, one can mistake lust for actual liking very easily. I don't know. I am scared. This stuff freaks me out. Also I am not the most comfortable when it comes to sex. I want to be but never have been. It sucks. I know I shouldn't worry about it but I do. ugh I don't know. having sex is just such a big act of openness. I mean it is the MOST intense act of openness one can do. It means a lot to see someone naked, view someone from multiple angels. IT FREAKS ME OUT.
anyways I don't really know where to take it from here except for slow and steady so that's what I'm doing. no overthinking of what not. things are what they are, they should progress naturally and with ease. too much thought kills things. it's overthinking something until you can't feel it anymore. hmm.

date number 2. he picked me up and we went to tgi fridays. I was a lot less nervous for this date for a couple reasons. We had texted a lott lot lot which gave me a good idea of the person he is. I was able to understand him in a way. Also, because I had just been on a different date, I was a but more confident that I wouldn't screw up. Granted, I was still nervous. We are pretty different as far as our interests go. or really, as far as anything goes, and I was afraid we wouldn't be able to make conversation. I was really wrong about this because we were able to talk for a long while. What I liked about him was that he didn't talk overly so about himself. What he did was he talked about his friends and their lives and their roles in his life and vise versa. This is something I would do, and did do. He was also pretty relaxed which I thought was nice. I wasn't really sure how he felt going into the date. If he was nervous he did a good job at hiding it and transforming it into smoothness. dinner was nice then we drove around bc there was nothing else to do. Finally we decided on going to a movie. I am weird with hooking up in movies. that's a lie actually. i'm weird with hooking up in general. I become very stiff, not really knowing how to outwardly portray emotions. at my core I am an introvert and so I feel as if I freeze inside of myself many times before it actually happens. He took my hand is this cute little way and we started holding hands. Eventually he moved the arm rest and I moved closer to him and then one thing led to the other and I made the move to kiss him. I felt confident I could kiss him. He obviously wanted to and wasn't about to turn it down. What was nice was that he wasn't overly forceful with the kiss. At first I thought he didn't even want to do it in the first place because he was so relaxed. It was a nice night but in a way I feel that's all it was.

I guess with these experiences I learn not to be so judgmental of myself. I have so many inhibitions about things and I am very fearful for how others will perceive me or how my facial expressions will look. Really though, people think I am a cool girl and for some reason that is hard for me to except because I feel so opposite deep inside. And that's what gets to me. It's like i'm all gray inside to myself but i'm a rainbow of colors on the outside to someone else. And then it's like, do we even have the same pair of glasses on? are you living in the same world as me? ...what? But in the end we are two separate people coming together because we want to feel wanted and want to share ourselves and our life experiences. Really, that is what it comes down to. At the end of the day we are both human beings wanting, wishing, and feeling basically all of the same things. That is what makes things like this bearable and okay. Because we are only human.

SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE

feeling like I don't know how to let myself feel. I try and I try but energy is just placed, replaced, and displaced to other areas. I guess things take time.


suck my skin off. let's unwind into a vacuum where thought is absent and we are nothing but air.

I don't know how to do this with smooth ease. This stuff freaks me out.

I was at college when internships were starting. I didn't know my place and kept fluctuation back and forth between the medical department and somewhere else, somewhere else I can't remember. By fluctuating I mean walking. As I was walking back from the medical department, I cut through a state where a college orientation was taking place. The instructor was explaining that you should never walk around with just socks on. As she was saying this I crossed the stage wearing blue fuzzy socks and no shoes. In my head I said to myself "that awkward moment when they tell you not to only wear socks and that's all you're wearing." ha. The floor is hard wood floor and as a result I slip and fall right in front of a stair case with a metal banister. I fall all the way down and try to get up but I can't. Once I gain my composure I get up again only to fall once more. I make a huge fool out myself. Incredibly so. But only one person in the back is laughing at me and I remember sort of feeling connected to him in some weird way. I get back on my feet and walk swiftly out. Before leaving I turn to the audience and say "guess you really shouldn't wear ONLY socks. have a good one!" It felt good to hear my own voice so loud, but I was sure i'd made a fool of myself. I left and it was dark outside. I forget where I Was going but I saw a girl (Brittani) who I have lost friendship with for understandable reasons. She had to ask me some questions about dinner I needed to go to that she was planning. I told her to stop being a bitch to me and she actually said sorry, and the next thing I remember it turned into a text conversation and we had made up with her saying I was cute.
I don't remember much after that but the whole me not wearing shoes things is kind of funny. The walking back of forth is very symbolic of my feelings towards life itself right now, as I seem to teeter on the lines in between two huge roads. Dreams are such good peep holes, it is very interesting. Eventually you always end up somewhere though.

the whole time all I needed was to stop thinking and start feeling. objectifying things is good until they turn so incredibly solid that you can't even absorb them. It was kind of like I had a layer of plastic skin around my real skin. Nothing could get inside, nothing could seep out of me. I was just so focused on the suffocation that I was only suffocating myself even more. I can finally breathe now. My pores opened, I bathed myself in hot water and melted my plastic skin. I am a human being saying hello to the world.

nothing is wanted. blank. nothing. I am blank, like I wanted.

I don't know where I am going with this blog but I guess I never have. I will just write whatever I feel like.

this is me

“I’ve been told I have nice eyes. Eyes from which nothing but truth could possible seep. They say the sea is actually black and that it merely reflects the blue sky above. So it was with me. I allowed you to admire yourself in my eyes. I provided a service. I listened and listened and listened. You stored yourself in me.”

-Diary of an Oxygen Theif

I like these lyrics, but don't relate.

"All your insides fall to pieces, just sit there wishing you could still make love."

I am not sad anymore

You is pointless, meaningless, bottomless. There is nobody there, nobody there but the air. the air has hands that slide all smooth and swift-like down the contours. It tightens and expands and turns blue when it really wants to. But mostly the air is just clear and thin and invisible. It doesn't need to be loved or need to give love. The air has the truest freedom I ever known. Imagine being the air. Wouldn't you like it?

I just don't know. I really don't know and I can't believe I don't know. I have no idea. Not a fucking clue. I want to go away. I know that I will be happiest if I go away. I need to go away for the sake of my own creativity and well being. I want to be with new people and force myself outside of my comfort zone. I want something that will invigorate me. I want to be in the city, I think, but I honestly feel like I could be happy anywhere. I adapt well to situations and I would be able to grow comfortable in the place I am at, if given the chance to stay there for a prolonged period of time. I want to go away because being on my own will objectify things, make them more clear for me. I need some sort of way to help me decide. I don't know I feel so lost.

If I go away it's going to cost money. I will be without a job and without incoming money and I will be in debt. I feel that I am wasting my time here by living at home. I feel I could be thriving in other places, being in a new environment. Doing things with new people, testing my energy levels. I don't want to wait another year to go to main campus. I don't know if I belong there. The problem is I just have this weird feeling about it. I want somewhere smaller. But Penn State has everything you could ask for. this is a hard decision.

it's just that, there are certain times where my life seems to rain...no downpour upon me and always at the worst possible moments. always during the times where I want the sunlight instead of the cold, damp, irritating feel of the rain seeping into my hair and through my clothes. and this is when life seems like it's too much to handle. I feel myself becoming more translucent, fading away within the air molecules. I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point, but everything just seems so heavy and so light at the same time, and in the worst way possible. It is a horrible feeling, nothing gives, and I offer no stimulation. So Now What?

I feel myself growing closer, but I am not there yet. No, not there yet. I need to be somewhere big. substantial. I need the world to pulsate before me and spill it's blood on my feet, begging me to curl up inside of it. Somewhere, in all the energy masses and chaotic atoms that float around in the world, there is a small hole waiting for me to become solidified. Waiting for me to shine my own light, with my own unique shades of color and hue and lightness/darkness. The world is waiting for me, but I am waiting on the world. One Day.