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i'm not perfect but it too me a long time to be able to realize that I am my own worst enemy and that I HAVE and NEED to remain in full control of my body, thoughts, mind, and actions at all times. I stopped smoking weed because weed makes me stiff, awkward, self conscious  and then I become a brick wall again like all those other times and I don't get anywhere at all. I camaflouge myself into the maroon red behind my back. The wall I have turned away from. I lose my thoughts inside my head and the negative swirl begins, taking me with it. Keeping me swirling swirling into a black whole of empty nothingness. There is no fun there.

I wanted to believe that I could remain the same, do the same things, but just somehow feel different.  But I cannot. Life is about growth, change, discomfort.  I wanted to believe that somehow a switch would be turned on and I would and could just change without ever having to do anything. But I was wrong in the conviction because that is a bunch of naive thinking. Instead, I realized that I have no room to think. I have no right or correct sense to overthink myself into a holes as deep as the ocean. By doing that I take myself out of situations, float around in the hot air above the room, and watch as my insecurities lick my skin and devour me. It is a selfish way to be. To not deliver like that. To stone wall myself and become guarded, like I have too much treasure and you have too much space. But it doesn't really work like that, now does it? We could both be oceans colliding together. Or a fish in my vast ocean. Or I am a fish in your ocean. It is all interconnected, but not when one is stonewalled.

I am not perfect but life is a learning process and I have come pretty far. I still have walls up though. I am still not self solidified but once I get there is when things go boom, in the good way. I still indulge quickly, and then back out as quickly as I came, before I or he could even catch either one of our breaths. It is not supposed to work like that. Because when his eyes light up like he's found the girl he's looking for, why the hell can't you just be that girl for atleast a couple minutes, huh? It still is hard for me to let someone love me. I'm used to it now, ya know, so used to being alone without feelings. But sometimes, at really rare times, I can feel what it'd be like to have those walls crack a little, have those birds fly out a little, sing a little. It would probably take a lot to get there but maybe one day it will happen.

I do not wear my hear on my sleeve, despite what sweater I might be wearing that day.

nothing transitions well but it's okay because it doesn't matter because it's okay it's okay it's okay
slowly but surely it all fades together.