everything feels so hallow.
people are leaving.
people left.
people are gone.

i really need guidance. i need second third fourth opinions. i need someone to fall back on. i wish you acted like you gave a shit. i wish you would just step outside of your life for a few minutes and realize how important mine is right now. i'm about to decide the rest of my life, in a sense. and i need you. but you don't want to be there. or, you do. but you show a shitty way of showing it. and i need help. i don't want to do this all by myself.

i feel alone now. everything is changing. everything is starting over. everything is hallow. nothing has ultimate meaning. nothing has shaped to fit the mold. nothing has fit the mold. this sounds like i'm complaining but i'm just stating facts. i have to start all over. i have to open my cage somehow and release myself. i have to believe in myself. put myself out there. show people myself.
do you want to know something funny?
do you?

well. what's funny is that me, and probably a lot of people in the world shield ourselves from others because we don't want to get hurt. but in the process of building the armor and always carrying the sword, we ultimately hurt ourselves more. protecting ourselves just makes us crumble in the end. i find that a bit funny.

i wonder if a time comes where everything just falls completely to the floor, and all skin is shed, and all other skin dissapears, and the things that are worrysome just fade into gray which fades into white and nothing will matter.
i think that's too much to ask.

i am so afraid for what is about to come it's unreal.
but i'm so excited and if i do what i know i have to do, i think i'll be okay.
fear is so hard to tackle though. meh.