last night i woke up to a text from kevin: "you really are a great person, madi".
that made me feel so so so good. just a simple text made me feel so much better for a whole 24 hours. thank you.

i guess i really suck at eating when i cant eat. i woke up at 8:30 this morning, went to rinse my mouth out, attempt to brush my teeth, and wash my face. halfway through i felt so dizzy and i knew i was gonna pass out. my vision got so blurry and i ran downstairs and literally shoved jello down my throat as fast as i could. it was scary. i don't even want to feel that way again. but anyways, so i guess i'm not really in that much pain. it's the worst in the mornings because it's hard to open my mouth wide to get food into it and because my pain meds have worn off, it hurts. boo. i'm healing though so yay.

i havent don't much of anything this weekend but i had a great night tonight. i had good conversations with everyone i was taking to. i love that. it made me feel good catching up with angie and just getting closer with people in general. i have seen such a change in myself this summer. trusthfully, i didn't think i would change at all. but i'm really growing into my own skin and discovering myself. it's a great feeling. i'm a lot more confident in my abilities and i don't doubt myself as much. nothing is ever as hard as it seems, i just gotta put some elbow grease into it.

i can't wait to drive. there are so many people i want to go to lunch and dinner with and have sleepovers with and see. it's going to be so good for me to drive. i know it. i'm going to flourish so much once i get my lisence. by then ill have a job and with a job ill have money. and with money i can pay for all the things my mother won't pay for. and it will be a nice feeling because i will really be LIVING the way i want to live and i won't feel as restricted. i'm so so so excited.

lately i've been having little random thoughts about what i want my house to look like when i eventually have one. the kind of bath tub i want. what i want my back yard to have in it. the way i'm going to raise my children. the first time i ever really had thoughts like that, they were influenced by something and by someone. but now everything is just coming becuase it's ME. i really enjoy being single and being by myself. i always thought it was such a funny concept how i could love spending so much time with myself, alone, with someone i didn't like that much. but looking back at me thinking that, i realized that i only felt that way because eventually i would have to end up here. and now i don't feel that way anymore. instead, i love being by myself, with myself, within myself, because i love myself. i do. there are times when i still feel so hopeless. but the majority of the time i've been feeling great. i havent rushed myself. i've been so patient with this whole process of learning to trust and learning to feed and give and share. and i've prooven myself wrong so many times. i thought i'd never be here. i've come so far. it's a wonderful feeling and i have so many places to go and so many people to see.i want to do so many things. i couldn't do them all this summer but i will, eventually. i'm going to keep adding and adding to my list. it's going to be amazing.

i love living and smiling and sharing random theories with random strangers as well as random smiles. and i love question & answer sessions and two people when there both high and theyre bth ranting to eachother about the same thing because they want the same thing. and i love how everyone understand everyone else, even if a little bit in some way. i love this day and this night and right now, i love this life.