Mindset Is aa choice not a destiny or fate. Just like the words used yo describe a situation or a feeling or anything at all. If one wants to change there must be a shift in underlying beliefs that keep the mindset alive. It is one thing to tell yourself life and people are a certain way on a consistent basis, but it is a whole other ball game when it comes to not only believing in what you say but also acting in ways that show/proove that you do.
It is hard to really allow myself to feel emotions. I suppose I might have become so familiar with regression that I forgot how to initiate. In so many ways I learned how to just shut everything off. And I hate to make it seem like my life is terrible or rough because it really isn't. But bad things have happened and my defense mechanism for all of them was to just not acknowledge the underlying hurt I kept carrying around, and still do. I realize now that this is an extremely selfish way to be. Although deep down I do want to be loved and cared for and also care for others, I use people to try and proove to myself that I'm better than I feel inside and that I am worthy of some sort of love. But it is a very selfish way to be because I still do not deliver reciprocally towards much of anyone and for some reason those I do are the ones who don't deserve it .
So what does that tell me about me? Well, I am not whole and this is why so many of the same things have occurred. Although this is brought on by poor judgments and dumb decisions, there are other reasons behind it. I search for people who are broken in some way, who need my fixing. Maybe because it will give me a reason to be there. Idk. But then when I find someone who isn't broken, who has their shot together, it intimidates me. I start to believe that they wouldn't want to be my friend because I'm so messed up. I try to keep it together on the outside but i think it is pretty obvious. I acknowledge many things about myself but perhaps with a combination of being comfortable within "darkness" and not knowing exactly how to change, I become stuck. I mean, I change in small ways, make small baby steps here and there. But I'm not sure how to let things filter through me. Let life just absorb into my skin cells.
That's what a whole person does. They're sure of themselves, they have a path with objectives and goals. And even if they don't, they have a plan to figure it out. Life is contradicting itself right now because while I am supposed to go with the flow, so they say, I am also supposed to be the architect of my life and change and sculpt it to how I want to look. It just doesn't make sense. But I need to get to a place of self assurance. I need to stop this dissonance and I need to heal myself before it is too late and I keep missing these connections.
I have got to open up, spill my water, and allow myself to feel something. Anything.
And this problem I have can definitely be seen as a result of the events that have happened in my life, but it is wrong of me to sit here or there or anywhere and blame my parents or ex boyfriends for this. No. I blame myself for not being able to realize the true extent of my defense mechanisms and for allowing them to cover me like a blanket during the cold winter months that I never wanted to take off. And you know what? I never did take it off. And I've said this before and I will say it many times over, I need to get rid of this black layer to reveal the white layer. I did it on my blog but it was short lived. I haven't done it to myself. I haven't been able to alone.
And I feel like I've failed myself because of that. I know I shouldn't think that way but it seems true and real. Somehow, only negative emotions seem real and true.
All of the things I've ever said in this blog have never left my being. All of the hurt and pain I've felt never stopped existing, I just stopped acknowledging it was there.
If I want to get anywhere, to anything, be someone, I have to really learn what it is like to be open yet self assured that nothing will happen to me. Because all I am is constant defense mechanisms and that is why I keep missing these connections.
But there are ways to fix this if I really put my mind to it. And if there was ever a sign that nows the time, it definitely is right now, right this instant, while I've got the malleability in all these areas.
I've got to believe in myself.
I am not alone.
It is hard to really allow myself to feel emotions. I suppose I might have become so familiar with regression that I forgot how to initiate. In so many ways I learned how to just shut everything off. And I hate to make it seem like my life is terrible or rough because it really isn't. But bad things have happened and my defense mechanism for all of them was to just not acknowledge the underlying hurt I kept carrying around, and still do. I realize now that this is an extremely selfish way to be. Although deep down I do want to be loved and cared for and also care for others, I use people to try and proove to myself that I'm better than I feel inside and that I am worthy of some sort of love. But it is a very selfish way to be because I still do not deliver reciprocally towards much of anyone and for some reason those I do are the ones who don't deserve it .
So what does that tell me about me? Well, I am not whole and this is why so many of the same things have occurred. Although this is brought on by poor judgments and dumb decisions, there are other reasons behind it. I search for people who are broken in some way, who need my fixing. Maybe because it will give me a reason to be there. Idk. But then when I find someone who isn't broken, who has their shot together, it intimidates me. I start to believe that they wouldn't want to be my friend because I'm so messed up. I try to keep it together on the outside but i think it is pretty obvious. I acknowledge many things about myself but perhaps with a combination of being comfortable within "darkness" and not knowing exactly how to change, I become stuck. I mean, I change in small ways, make small baby steps here and there. But I'm not sure how to let things filter through me. Let life just absorb into my skin cells.
That's what a whole person does. They're sure of themselves, they have a path with objectives and goals. And even if they don't, they have a plan to figure it out. Life is contradicting itself right now because while I am supposed to go with the flow, so they say, I am also supposed to be the architect of my life and change and sculpt it to how I want to look. It just doesn't make sense. But I need to get to a place of self assurance. I need to stop this dissonance and I need to heal myself before it is too late and I keep missing these connections.
I have got to open up, spill my water, and allow myself to feel something. Anything.
And this problem I have can definitely be seen as a result of the events that have happened in my life, but it is wrong of me to sit here or there or anywhere and blame my parents or ex boyfriends for this. No. I blame myself for not being able to realize the true extent of my defense mechanisms and for allowing them to cover me like a blanket during the cold winter months that I never wanted to take off. And you know what? I never did take it off. And I've said this before and I will say it many times over, I need to get rid of this black layer to reveal the white layer. I did it on my blog but it was short lived. I haven't done it to myself. I haven't been able to alone.
And I feel like I've failed myself because of that. I know I shouldn't think that way but it seems true and real. Somehow, only negative emotions seem real and true.
All of the things I've ever said in this blog have never left my being. All of the hurt and pain I've felt never stopped existing, I just stopped acknowledging it was there.
If I want to get anywhere, to anything, be someone, I have to really learn what it is like to be open yet self assured that nothing will happen to me. Because all I am is constant defense mechanisms and that is why I keep missing these connections.
But there are ways to fix this if I really put my mind to it. And if there was ever a sign that nows the time, it definitely is right now, right this instant, while I've got the malleability in all these areas.
I've got to believe in myself.
I am not alone.
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