a rant about sex

Idk it's just really annoying that sex has to be such a need in life. it wouldn't bother me as much obviously if I was more sexual but when I'm not having sex i rarely crave it. and when I do I'm fine with masturbation. like totally fine. I understand that sex is a good way to show feeling and stuff but it is annoying that a relationship that's sexual with no sex and an aactual sexual relationship with the same people can turn out differently just because sex is not involved. I just really dislike the socially constructed nature of sex and how prevalent it is and needed it seems to be in a relationship. and then if you're not sexual it's like you're weird or something. nobody gets it. but I don't get what the big idea is about sex. yeah I've had it with someone I was comfortable with and of course it felt good but Idk I don't sit around wishing I could fuck again. making out doesn't always make me want to jump onto someone's dick. sex just isn't really something I focus on because I feel like it blinds people so often to their true feelings which may be so much less or so much more than just thinking the other person is attractive. I wonder if I am biologically programmed to just have a slow labido in comparison to others around me or if perhaps this is a defense mechanism that I somehow have gained. I think it some ways it very well could be but given the fact that I could probably be in a relationship with someone for months and never have sex, just finger and blow jobs and shit, and be pretty much perfectly okay with that shows more than just defenses. Idk. I don't know how to describe it. there are people I've talked tto, friends of mine, who have had sex before and love love love it. they've had sex over 10 times in one day. they will have sex anytime anywhere. no shame or second thoughts. oh my God I just don't get it! one time takes so much energy out of me that I can't even think about what 10 times would be. hell no. I can't even imagine 3. I mean usually when I hve sex I'm self conscience about everything. if I'm on top I think the rolls on my tummy are unattractive. the slight cellulite in my legs show. I hate the way my long lips look like wings around a dick. there is no good explanation I just don't like how they look. I worry my arm pits smell or aren't shaved enough and I worry that I don't have a good enough angle that I'm not going fast enough or deep enough or good enough. it's just so overwhelming I can barely stand it. and then when the Guy flips me over I feel like I should be doing more Than just allowing him to missionary fuck me. no, I should take more control and be more sexual because that's what guys want. buttt I've had sex with someone where I was really thinking those things. and of course it was more enjoyable and less anxiety provoking because I know that person not only cared for me but tthought I was sexy. and I suppose I did genuinly believe it to be true. but I still would not regard sex as something profound or good enough to do 10 times in one day. and that isn't to say the person I was with when I was comfortable was bad because they weren't bad at all, quite the opposite actually, it is just the way I feel. and I thought maybe I'd feel different about sex with time, with different people, but I don't. even with people I'm comfortable with, even with people who I love or thought I loved in that particular moment, it is never the grand finale of fire works I expect it to be. after all, sex is absolutely everywhere and I understand the aesthetic value of sex but not the physical value. it just falls short for me. and I think a main reason I think about this so much and feel like it is a flaw is because I am in the minority. so often in the media, especially pop culture, in music videos and on blogs and celebrities twitters, women are so expected to be and act a certain way. personally I think it is gross because teenage boys watch pornos with girls encouraging guys to cum on their face and in their hair and other dirty gross places. and these same guys develop fantasies about sexual things they can do to women and then maybe they even start to expect women to be into those sexual things because they were/are so exposed to the pornographic mindset so often. but life is not a porno and I don't think many women like that kind of stuff. it really seems misogynist in my opinion. so anyways, now people have this expectation that a woman should be sexual and open to such things. and this bothers me because all over tumblr and in music and in today's culture teenage women are searching desperately to find their identities. and they to music on the radio and they see the things on the internet and start to think they should become bad bitches who like to fuck and like to fuck good and hard. and while there is nothing wrong with anybody enjoying sex to a large degree, I really find this stigma put on sexuality...that being horny frequently, taking control, "conquering the cock" is a real way to be truly a women. im just really not sure I agree with that. I think sexual identity is a part of being a women and acknowledging the power women have over men is vital in becoming a full women. but I don't think it makes a female any less of a woman if she does not have a supreme need or thirst for sex. I think succesfull and admirabke women are able to use their assets to the best of their abilities, plan goals for themselves and achieve them without the reliance of anyone else. sex is not involved in the true independence of a women, it is only identified with, and seemingly culturally attached to, the definition. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense but I really wanted to just get some kind of words out there about how I feel. I don't think I am probably nnot 100% right when I say things like this either bbecause everyone is different and experiences emotions differently. but speaking as a culture, Idk, that's just how I view things. maybe as I become more of a woman down the road I will feel differently about sex but so far not too much has changed. I guess we will just have to wait and see.