Everything I have to say but have no idea how to say it

I don't know how I got myself here but I desperately need something. I am sinking.

So many things are going wrong. I relive the night over and over in my head. Such a simple decision yet I couldn't make it. And that's what scares me the most about this whole thing. That I made the decision without having a clear reason as to why I wanted to. I did this to myself yet I need to rely and bring others down with me because I can't get up by myself. The first time was forgivable but this isn't. This is really, really, bad and there is no excuse and nobody to blame but myself.

I need to figure out why I am like this and where it is coming from. There is definitely a reason. Perhaps I am an alcoholic. I surely do have many qualities of one but I never wanted to admit it. I guess now I have to admit it. But to be honest, I'm not ready to just stop drinking. I am ready to stop putting myself in dangerous situations, but I don't want to stop drinking. I am not even 21 yet. Yet I allowed all of these things to happen to me. I allowed myself to turn my life upside down and taint every image I haven't even created for myself yet.

I know this is a result of negative thoughts and feelings. But I don't know where they are exactly rooted. There are many things that have happened and that have accumulated over the years to result in me being this way, but there is a deeper reason as to why I always drink and can't stop. Why I am afraid to show myself to others. Why I feel like there is nothing even to show.  It kills me to know what this is what I have become, in this present moment. It is heartbreaking to know that I could not do it by myself, not even a little bit. I have never become any less walled than I was before. In fact, I have become more guarded and isolated.

I am constantly living in a shell that I have created for myself. I keep people at insanely calculated distances because that is where they feel safe to me. That is where I feel safe in relevance to them. Nobody can hurt me in the shell. But the thing is that I can hurt myself. And I can hurt myself way more than anybody else can. By keeping people at suck controlled distance, no ones true colors are ever exposed. There is not one single person that has ever been able to fully let themselves be who they truly are around me ever since high school has ended. There are so many defense mechanisms that spill out of my pours that I can't even function.

The truth is that I align myself with a situation, and add alcohol to it so that I am less inhibited and so that I feel I can fit in without thinking too much. Alcohol is my best friend and my worst enemy. And this is how I know I have a problem.

I don't know how to make and keep friends. This is because I feel like there is nothing inside of me. There are times where I don't know how to speak. Don't know what to say. I feel like the air is being sucked out of the room and I can't stop thinking. I can't stop blaming myself for being unable to deliver. I feel humorless, negative, pathetic. But when I drink I don't feel that way. I feel sexy and independent and capable of anything. I can talk a huge game about many things because I can bullshit and they can believe it. I can connect effortlessly and endlessly. There is a live body filling my chair, talking knowledgeably, happily laughing. There is me, delivering in ways I could never have delivered before. It is perfect and easy and I never want it to stop because it feels good to be in the regulated air and not suffocating in the hot hair above everybody's heads. But there are downsides too.  I can convince myself I want something, that it's completely right, when it's totally fucking wrong as well. I have a false perception of pride. I think alcohol is going to open me up but it's so counter productive. I drink alcohol to shield myself yet it's almost like it's the only thing that can make me feel butterflies for a second. The thing is though that every thought and feeling I have while drinking is fabricated with calculated disbelief. It is a bunch of denial.

So friends are given a false view. Because we are 20 and we like to drink. And when we aren't drinking the interaction is low because I don't know how to be anything else. I try to give myself to others in sober ways. I hangout with people sober of course but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. Nothing is felt. I let people become vulnerable towards me, but I never am vulnerable towards them. And it's useless. It's pathetic because theyre the ones that deliver and I don't. Because feeling is never there. They could be the nicest person in the world. They could do anything for me. I could feel completely comfortably sexually with them. I could talk to them effortlessly because I know they wouldn't judge me. Yet, I feel nothing. It's fucking sickening. I don't want to hurt people who try to help me. I don't want to hurt people who deserve the greatest love in the world. I don't want to hurt people who I never intended on hurting.

I keep thinking I will meet people and something will be different. But nothing is different. Just because someone has facial hair and likes good music doesn't mean it's going to be different. Again, vulnerability sets in and it isn't on my part. And again I am hurting someone who does not deserve to be hurt. They just want to be saved, essentially. Except, I can't do that for them. I need to save myself and I am over here drowning.

My life is a mess and so am I. I don't know what I want to do with college. I want to go away but I feel I fucked that for myself. I want to find a purpose but I don't know what that is either. I don't want to keep going to school spending money for nothing if I don't know what I want to do. It's all just a fucking mess. School sucks, I don't know how to keep friends, and I don't know how to open myself or accept myself enough to be vulnerable enough to love. I need help.

I act like shit is good but nothing is good. I can't believe I put myself in this position so easily and so fucking effortlessly. I have so much shame and anger. I am supposed to be living my life easily and enjoying it. I am supposed to happy. But i've never really been happy. I've just continued to live in a world in which I convince myself i'm happy. I've never known true happiness. I don't know what it's like to live with passion, integrity, and purpose. I don't know how to be happy with myself without the use of isolation or alcohol. I just don't. And that makes me weak but I guess it'd make me weaker if I didn't know how to admit it.

It's funny though or rather ironic because I am the person I have continually ready about in books and watched in movies. I am that troubled person who searches desperately for years to find a reason or a way out. But one day they make it out okay. One day everything they have gone through and fought through is worth it because they end up happier and more knowledgeable than they would have been otherwise. Right? This happens, right? There is a reason behind this and there has GOT to be some sort of silver lining. Please say yes. Please say yes. I am begging you.

One day maybe I will be able to be at peace with who I am and what I do and stand for. I will be that spiritual girl I think I can be deep down. But it is going to take a lot of time and effort and energy. There are many hurdles I need to jump over because I can see the silver lining. and god, do I fucking hope there is a silver lining. I don't know what I would do if there wasn't.