right now I am finding myself wanting to really back out of this. where is this going? what are we doing? why am I even here? this isn't exciting me. it's not drawing me, there is no deep blue here (yet). am I being impatient? I told you, I keep telling you, I have no idea how to do this and it freaks me out. I feel as if I am putting so much energy into it and getting almost nothing in return. is it because you are just a guy? is it because you are afraid? is it because you have been hurt before and you're scared to let your walls down? I'm scared too but I acknowledge it and feel it and know it's worth it for me to do so. I can't grow at all if I don't expose myself. plastic skin does nothing. it makes me sad when people don't understand that, or are too scared to admit it to themselves. but I want this to go somewhere. I want this to explain into a million colorful little pieces that can easily be put back together and formed into something beautiful. I think the one thing that gets to me so much is the fact that I have no idea how to feel about this situation. I don't like you but I want to get to know you. It makes me smile when I know I am going to see you but I have no idea how you feel about this whole thing or what this whole thing even is or even if there is a whole thing. I don't want to overthink it but I know that's what I am doing. I just don't even know. I don't know what you feel and I don't even know what I feel. I don't like the uncertainty and i kind of feel weird saying something because it's so early still. I don't know what to do. I always say slow and steady wins the race, and of course it does, but how long is too long...how slow is too slow? I wish someone had the answers. I wish this would explode or make me feel something. Do I expect too much? This makes me feel lost. This stuff freaks me out.