when I really think about it, it freaks me out. I'm not sure I really know how to give myself. It takes me such a long time to feel anything. do I over think that, too? maybe. The solution is just to stop thinking about it and let it happen. I guess i'm in the clear now but it still freaks me out. I find myself sort of wanting to turn and run away from it before it gets to be anything too deeply rooted. It is weird how past hurt can affect you in subconscious and subtle ways. That obviously is what this feeling of wanting to resist is. I definitely won't resist though, just take it slow. I really want to feel those butterflies again. My chest is not a cage and I am not a rat. I definitely can't over think this or I will destroy it entirely. Isn't it crazy that I have the capability of building a whole city in my head with the material made for just a couple houses? Something so small is diluted to create a liquid that spreads through three times its original capacity. There is beauty is such destruction, but even more throughout the avoidance of it.

Yeah.